Terminalcoffee discussion
General Fuckery
>
The Joke Thread
message 101:
by
Jamie
(new)
Oct 28, 2009 07:27PM
All my jokes are better told as visuals, I have a really good one about a soldier and an Indian in a fox hole, but that has to be a visual..
reply
|
flag
Jamie wrote: "All my jokes are better told as visuals, I have a really good one about a soldier and an Indian in a fox hole, but that has to be a visual.."
We're watching...........go ahead. :-)
We're watching...........go ahead. :-)
no seriously, there is "sign language" to this joke, ok I'll try, but before I get into this one, I hope nobody gets offened here....
That's OK we can wait until we can see the visuals.
I typed it all out, but it doesn't do it any justice, so I'll tell this one instead:A man goes into a bar (funny how my jokes start out with someone going into a bar....)
And he starts doing shots. After awhile he gets pretty cocky with the bartender and bets him $100 that he can put a shot glass down in front of him and piss in it without spilling a drop.
the bartender looks at this guy and thinks no way
"you're on" he says
The drunk puts the shot glass down and whizzes right into it, doesn't spill a drop.
The bartender whistles, "wow that's something" and pays the man.
Later in the night, the same drunk comes over, after having a few more drinks, and bets the bartender another $100 that he can put the shot glass at one end of the bar and stand at the other, whizz and not miss a drop.
The bartender thinks no friken way can he do that...
"you're on"
The drunk assumes the position and pisses all over the bar, gets it everywhere except the shot glass
The bartender is happy, smacks his hands together and tells the guy to pay up
"guess you're not feeling so hot now are you?" he says to the drunk
The drunk just smiles and says "I bet those guys over there $100 each that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get mad..."
The lady told her husband "I feel odd". He suggested she go to the doctor.The doctor came out after the exam and said "That's odd". "What's odd?' " You're going to have a baby!"
The woman replied "At my age? How odd!" She went home to tell her husband and he also agreed that was really odd.
So the child, a healthy boy,waas duly born. His parents, though kind, really were unimaginative so the named the boy Odd.
He hated it. The kids at school made his life miserable teasing him about his name. The week the spent learning even and odd numbers was really horrible for him. And of course, later in life, he never married...who would like to intorduce herself and say, "Hi, I'm Mrs. Odd....."
As he grew older, he was determined that this problem was not going to follow him to the afterlife. So when he died,he left strict instructions....
Poor fellow. It backfired on him. People visinting the cemetary would see the tombstone with the date of birth and date of death but no name and say:
"THAT'S ODD!"
President Bush was at a small, small airport and noticed a man standing there. He said to the secret service man "That guy over there looks like Moses".The agent agreed the guy fit the bill--long beard; staff, sandals, robe, wise demeanor and so on.
So President Bush asked him "Are You Moses?" The gentleman looked at him but did not answer.
Bush walked back to his seat, saying "I still think he looks like Moses"
So the secret servie agent walked over. "Are you Moses?" "Yes, I am" the man replied.
"Well, how come you did not answer the President when he asked you?"
"Listen, friend, the last time I talked to a bush, I ended up wandering forty years in the desert..."
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to
use the procedures outlined below when accessing
their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
> ************ ********* ********* *
> MALE PROCEDURE:
> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> 2. Put down your car window.
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> 6. Put window up.
> 7. Drive off.
> ************ ********* ********* *
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to
> align car window with the machine.
> 3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
> passenger seat to locate card.
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call her
> back and hang up.
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine.
> 8. Insert card.
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
> 10. Enter PIN.
> 11. Enter amount of cash required.
> 12. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> 13. Locate wallet and place cash inside.
> 14. Write debit amount in check register and place
> receipt in back of chequebook.
> 15. Drive forward 2 feet.
> 16. Reverse back to cash machine.
> 17. Retrieve card.
> 18. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and
> place card into the slot provided!
> 19. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
> behind you.
> 20. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> 21. Redial person on cell phone.
> 22. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> 23. Release hand brake.
crap
I stole one of the page ones jokes for my fb status.
A lady goes to her refrigerator and opens it. Inside is a rabbit."What are you doing in my refrigerator?" the lady exclaims.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady says, "Yes..."
"Well, I'm westing!"
Have any of you heard this one?If your American when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom?
European!
A drunk guy staggers out of the bar just as a fire engine turns the corner. The siren is wailing, the lights flashing, and the drunk guy starts to run after the fire engine.Of course, he can't keep up,so after about half a block he stops and says "Okay, if you want to be that way about it, you can keep your stupid ice cream!"/
(A coworker sent me this one in an e-mail... most of my jokes are from emails that were sent to me.)After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York, scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later. A local newspaper in Arkansas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hardy, Arkansas." Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless."
Peanut wrote: "Have any of you heard this one?If your American when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom?
European! "
Drat! You stole my joke!!
(Another co-worker email)Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
Gretchen wrote: "HAH!"HA! I was just wondering if anyone ever reads these or if they just open so they can post jokes. :) You answered my question (I think).
I only just read the very last one.
:) Yeah... I miiight do that sometimes, but if I'm being honest, I only gloss over them really and post what I want to post because MY joke is funny.
Well that's what's great about places like this. You don't have to be a good listener if you're not in the mood!!
Gretchen wrote: "Well that's what's great about places like this. You don't have to be a good listener if you're not in the mood!!"True. But it's always nice to be validated. :)
I read the jokes...gives me some amuesement while I am @ work...however I never have any to post...
Knarik wrote: " A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using ..."
>Male procedure for creating this nonsensical "joke".
>1.Suck it.
Jim wrote: "Hit a nerve?"Jokes that are not even remotely based in fact just to be sexist are signs of immaturity and low intellect. The following is an example of the opposite of that:
A man goes in for a brain transplant and asks the doctor about pricing. The doctor says, "Men's brains are $50,000. Women's brains are $1,200."
The man asks why women's brains are so much cheaper than men's.
The doctor replys, "Because they are used."
SEE! Totally based in reality.
Catalina wrote: "Jim wrote: "Hit a nerve?"
Jokes that are not even remotely based in fact just to be sexist are signs of immaturity and low intellect. The following is an example of the opposite of that:
A man g..."
Sorry if I hit a nerve, I just take jokes for what they are, and some are funny to me. I laugh at videos where the guy gets hit in the balls too. I wince first, but then laugh.
Jokes that are not even remotely based in fact just to be sexist are signs of immaturity and low intellect. The following is an example of the opposite of that:
A man g..."
Sorry if I hit a nerve, I just take jokes for what they are, and some are funny to me. I laugh at videos where the guy gets hit in the balls too. I wince first, but then laugh.
You, uh, did read the joke I posted, right?
Catalina wrote: "You, uh, did read the joke I posted, right?"
Yes but I obviously let the sarcasm go right over my head.
Yes but I obviously let the sarcasm go right over my head.
Jim wrote: "Catalina wrote: "You, uh, did read the joke I posted, right?"Yes but I obviously let the sarcasm go right over my head."
Hahaha!
Awwwwww.
Did you hear about the one-legged sporano? They call her Hop-Sing.
I'm putting this here because it entertained me. A couple of summers ago I bought two little card files full of recipes from an old woman's yard sale.
This week, while we were snowed in and looking for things to cook and bake, I was flipping through those recipes, and I found this recipe, carefully typed onto a card, in the middle of the "soups and stews" section (CAPS & capitalization hers):
Elephant Stew
Serves 3800
One elephant
Brown gravy
Salt & Pepper
2 Rabbits (optional)
Cut elephant into bite size pieces
This should take about 2 months
Cover with gravy & cook over a Kerosene fire for 4 weeks at 4800 degrees
Will serve 3800 people if more are expected the 2 rabbits may be added. Do this only if necessary as most People do not like HARE in their STEW
Ok - I just read the whole thread.... and since linking seems allowed, I have to share this non-kid-friendly joke. A joke of omission... my favorite kind of pun!The Count Censored
OH! I'm on a roll: this one is from NPR's Science Friday show:Q: How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert?
A: He's the one looking at your shoes!
(A co-worker emailed this one to me.)An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Mod
So one snowman turns to the other snowman and says: "Do you smell carrots??"
A couple of guys were sitting on the porch talking when a dog comes along and starts licking itself. "I wish I could do that" says one; the other other says "I wouldn't try it, that dog'll bite you."
That's one of my dearest friends' favorite joke!!
