Terminalcoffee discussion
General Fuckery
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The Joke Thread
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"How would you feel about $300,000?" asked the interviewer.
"Are you joking?" said the grad.
"Yes, but you started it," said the interviewer.
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None. Politicians prefer to keep people in the dark.
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One wears suits, the other just pants.
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The psychiatrist said, "Then pull yourself together."
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"No," the woman said. "It's not. He hated the book."
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The husband says, "Is it you, or the wine talking?"
The wife says, "It's me, talking to the wine."
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Neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a beer?" Bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Q: What did the male magnet says to the female magnet?A: From the backside, I found you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Mrs Parker is called to serve on jury duty but asks to be excused because she doesn't believe in capital punishment. The judge says, "Madam, this is not a murder trail. It is a civil case. A woman is suing her former husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he promised to spend to remodel the bathroom for her birthday." "Ok, I'll serve," says Mrs Parker. "I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment."
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
Cheri wrote: "Neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a beer?" Bartender says, "For you, no charge.""I love science jokes!
How to Start a Fight...My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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Polaroids.
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10-lb potato bag. Then try a 50-lb potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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What's the difference between Bono and God?God doesn't walk around Dublin making believe he's Bono.
What did one flea say to another flea when they came out of the cinema?Shall we walk or take a dog?
evie wrote: "What did one flea say to another flea when they came out of the cinema?Shall we walk or take a dog?"
That's cute!
Easter joke:What do you get when you pour warm water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies!
Two country blokes, Wal and Mick sharing a beer, and a yarn or two.Says Wal . "Yeah... I'll be driving up to the big smoke in a week or two."
"Which route are you gonna take?" says Mick.
Wal has a bit of a think.
"Think I'll take the wife, she stuck by me through the droughts."
Aussie pronunciation of route. Rhymes with boot.::feels silly now::
But in American slang, "root" is a penis. So he's going to take a penis?
If he's going to take a root with him, he'll need a penis.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on therange.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, It’s a miracle!
Not really, said the cow. Your name is written inside the cover.
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Bovine humor. Can there ever be too much?
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”He rings the door bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what's your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security. I would wander around near suspicious characters and listen in to their conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wanted for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.”
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Avoiding a DWII would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at
the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Good thing I did as there was a police ro ad block, but the bus was waved through.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I
have never driven a bus before, and am not sure where I got it!!!!
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Wee paws for station identification.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESEThe English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Bob, a handsome guy, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Father O’Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?” “It is!” “This is the IRS. Can you help us?” “I can!”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?” “I do!”
“Is he a member of your congregation?” “He is!”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?” “He will.”
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A can has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
(That one came from my popsicle stick.)
A blonde man is driving home drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, the another. A cop car pulls him over. He tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cops says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
here's one: I went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers, but I couldn't see any. :)
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He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirro..."
This one made me laugh.
HEE HAW !!!!!