Terminalcoffee discussion
General Fuckery
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The Joke Thread
Catalina wrote: "#147, Stolen."
Uhhhh, no. #147 - recycled. Pretty sure everything posted here is.
If it makes you happier, I'll add the source of my joke to each of my posts here, though.
ADDENDUM: And I did add the source of my joke to each one I posted.
ANOTHER ADDENDUM: Okay, I guess all the posts here (at least mine - I can't speak for everyone else) are stolen AND then recycled when I think about it. Perhaps some of us aren't creative enough to write a joke on our own? I dunno. This sort of took the fun out of this thread for me. I don't think I can ever tell another joke again.
Heidi wrote: "This sort of took the fun out of this thread for me. I don't think I can ever tell another joke again. "NOooooooo! Heidi, you find the best jokes! They keep brightening my days!
Uhhhh, by "stolen", I meant that I stole it and posted it someplace else.God, for a joke thread, y'all need to lighten up.
Catalina wrote: "God, for a joke thread, y'all need to lighten up."My bad. I clearly misread your post, Catalina. I claim a hangover for my oversensitive response. I thought you were accusing me of being a thief. : (
Sorry.
Carry on.
(I got nothing to contribute to today's jokes. Someone else should post something funny)
No worries.Did I already post the debutante joke?
If not:
Q:Why do debutantes hate group sex?
A:All the Thank You notes.
You know what's fun? science jokes that people unfamiliar with the fields won't understand.For example:
Why did the cat fall off of the roof?
-because he lost his MU.
I hope at least one person can conjure some knowledge of their old physics course and get a kick out of this.
It's been a long, long time. In everyday-speak you're saying there's no friction between the cat and the roof? I think? Please, tell me I'm not too far off?
Cows mu, not cats. Maybe it's a trick question. If there were a cow on the roof it would be far more likely than a cat to fall off.
When I was around 5, I knew one joke. And my mom had me tell this joke everywhere we went.How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Three travelling salemen show up at an isolated farmhouse one night and ask the farmer if they can sleep in his barn. The farmer says, "Yes, there's an old mattress out there, help yourselves" so the three men settle down and go to sleep on the old mattress. The next morning they wake up and the man on the left says, "I had the most awesome dream! I dreamed I got a handjob from a beautiful woman!" The man on the right says, "Amazing! I also dreamed that I got a handjob from a beautiful woman!" The man in the middle said,"Huh. I dreamed I was skiing."
What did the magic tractor do?Went round a corner and turned into a field!!!
This is my favourite joke ever
Mod
Q: What do you call a teacher who won't fart in public?
A: A private tooter.
Q: What’s the lightest thing in the world?A: A penis. You can lift it with a thought.
Ken wrote: "Q: What’s the lightest thing in the world?A: A penis. You can lift it with a thought."
Ha!
Ahhh so there is such a thing as telekinesis. Men have been keeping it secret (or perhaps not so secret).
Not precisely a joke, but a very funny takeoff of the three witches from MacBeth: http://stupidnailpolishnames.blogspot...
Two joke threads would have killed us? :p
Jammies wrote: "Two joke threads would have killed us? :p"Yes. Your eyeballs would've exploded. :p
What's a four letter word for a woman you generally don't like that ends in 'unt?
Answer: Aunt, you jerk!
Answer: Aunt, you jerk!
Nice into, J. Elizabeth!Why did the sock zombie cross the road?
To take the entrance exam for Harvard.
Just kidding--the correct answer is "To eat your brains!"
A BLOND JOKE After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!" The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
It does help explain why alligator shoes are so expensive--they occur only rarely in nature.
Old French textbook joke:Q: There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the One Two Three cat, and the French cat is called the Un Deux Trois cat. Who won?
A: The English cat. The un deux trois cat sank.
(un deux trois quatre cinq)
That's a good one.Q: Why did the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?
A: Because un oeuf is enough.
Jonathan wrote: "That's a good one.Q: Why did the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?
A: Because un oeuf is enough."
I have to add this one to my collection of foreign language jokes.
This is one that actually makes me LOL:David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did."
Diana wrote: "This is one that actually makes me LOL:David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those th..."
Funny!!!
Diana, I love that one! I have a friend with a very noisy parrot, and ever since I told her that joke, when we're on the phone and the bird screams so loudly she can't hear me, she yells "It's the freezer for you!"
Mod
(gawker)
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[gawker again]
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(and again gawker)
Lobstergirl wrote: "A baby seal walks into a club. (and again gawker)"
Ha!
I hope this translates...
America has released more info about the raid on osama's house.
Amazingly his DNA has tested as 52% coconut, 24% cocoa, 18% sugar and 6% milk.
CIA experts believe its because of the huge bounty on his head....
Source unknown it was just forwarded to me via email.
America has released more info about the raid on osama's house.
Amazingly his DNA has tested as 52% coconut, 24% cocoa, 18% sugar and 6% milk.
CIA experts believe its because of the huge bounty on his head....
Source unknown it was just forwarded to me via email.
Mod
America has released more info about the raid on osama's house.
Amazingly his DNA has tested as 52% coconut, 24% cocoa, 18% sugar and 6% milk.
CIA experts belie..."
Nope, we don't have Bounty bars here. For us, Bounty is a paper towel. "The quicker picker upper," we like to call it.
::sigh:: Oh well, where is Ian? he would find it funny.
Q. What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A. Make me one with everything.
A. Make me one with everything.
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender, 'Why the long face?'
Bartender, 'Why the long face?'
Patient: "Doc, I don't know if I'm a teepee or a wigwam."
Doctor: "You're too tense."
Doctor: "You're too tense."
Welcome to the group Cjl. My kids classify these jokes as 'Dad' jokes. My son laughs, my daughter rolls her eyes and walks away.
What is an Amish woman's fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
Two Mennonite.
A Creative Writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.. S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast ofGuam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Bill )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.
( Bill )
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
( Bill )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+
- I really liked this one.