Terminalcoffee discussion
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The Joke Thread
Awesome joke, Larry.Stephen: I'm not weeping in that pic, i'm trying to reenact the Jimmy Stewart meltdown scene from 'Vertigo!' but the angle is all wrong...
That picture of RA was from a TC thread from a few months back. I can't remember which one, but I remember that he said "Quitting rules," which inspired the pic.
Angie: Your joke reminds me of one of my old professor's stories. He is Australian and when he first came to this country during college he got into a huge argument with a clerk in an office supply store because he wanted to buy some rubbers (meaning erasers) and the clerk kept insisting that they did not sell rubbers (meaning condoms).
A pleasant treat after a long day's work, people. Thanks. Big up for Angie's double entendre joke.Tragically, no one thinks my favourite joke is funny. Which says a lot about the world. Here goes:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to install a lightbulb?
A: The fish.
Hmmmm, personally I like that Richard.
Thank you. It is good to be understood.
Mother superior tells a few nuns to paint a room, but tells them to be careful not to get paint on their habits because they wont be able to get them cleaned for a while, after she leaves the nuns discuss that it would be best just to paint in the nude and leave the habits where paint wont get on them. a few moments into painting they hear at the knock at the door and hear, "blind guy here, may i come in" they shrugged and opened the door to see what he needed. He asked where he should install the blinds, and goes, "by the way, nice hooters sisters."a guy walks into a bar and there's a horse next to the bar with a sign next to it that says make this horse laugh and get a free drink. the patron seems interested so he takes the horse out back and after they both come back the horse is laughing, the bartender amazed gave him a free drink of his choice. the next week the horse is still there but with a new sign; make the horse cry and get a free drink. so the same patron says i'll give it another go, so he takes the horse out back and when they come back the horse is crying. again in amazement the bartender gives him a free drink but says, may i ask how you got the horse to laugh and cry, you were the only one to be able to do it; the patron goes well its rather simple, last week i told him i had a bigger penis then him, today i showed him.
=D (hope it wasn't too inappropriate.. ill leave out my telling of the aristocrats..)
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go screw herself."
Three doctor4s are having a discussion in the hospital cafeteria.The First doctor says "I really try to be a good person and I hate my faults. But, I just keep seeing my head nurse behinds my wife's back".
The second doctor says " I know. Temtation can be so strong. I always overbill my patients, and hate myself for it later."
The third doctor chimed in" "Yes, we all have our faults. Me--I never could keep a secret...."
Okay, I've read about half of these and they're definitely getting my day off to a good start. But since I didn't read them all, I hope this isn't a repeat.Did you hear about the orgy in the campground?
It was fucking intense.
Lylly gets the big BA-DUM-DUM this morning.
Welcome to TC Mary JL, glad to see you jump in, and hope for many more.
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies."I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
Oh, fine. Q: What does a duck say when he buys chapstick?
A: Put it on my bill.
*takes bow* We should do jokes every morning. What a lovely Friday.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Oh, David. That could be a Hall Of Infamy.
=) i try... jokes are fun times aren't they?
actually i haven't written the jokes myself i should say.. some i've heard, some i've seen on the internet..
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!
A contribution from my eight-year-old daughter:A banana and a cigarette are walking down the road:
Banana: "People strip my clothes off and then they eat me!"
Cigarette: "That's nothing: they set my head on fire and then they suck my butt."
heh that was a good one =) here's mine for the day..
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
i don't know if people read/like these joke i put up; or if i'm dominating this thread (i only do one a day) but here's one that made me laugh, hope you like it.. One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."
Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the teacher asked why.
Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
Actually I really like your jokes, David. Most of them I haven't heard. Thanks for posting.
=D cool so ill keep lookin for good ones..
I'm loving these jokes. Keep 'em coming, David!
im going to try a link from youtube this time.. ive been rewatching a lot of them that i have in the past so ill share one or two.. i hope this is relateable to everyone; its a mockumentary based on 'to catch a predator' about a certain group of people in college.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQ... i'm pretty sure this isn't safe for work to give a heads up.. ;)
this is another oldie but goody, from an English show called 'the mighty boosh', this clip, maybe a bit long but i like it, its about an obscure sea monster called Old Greg. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0sFkF... hope you like it..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-zFQ9...Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.
*tears*
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?... He couldn't budget.
I think I need to add "scatological punny jokes" to my interests.
=D fun times.. on the subject constipation i recommend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL3EzP... there a group from the ren fair, pretty funny.. im sure the song was written by someone else though..
What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?...a chicken sedan.
I don't think I saw this one posted:A woman walks into a bar and sits down. She looks down the bar at a line of drunk men and raises her hand to get their attention.
"Which one of y'all want to buy me a drink?" she says
The drunks quickly look away because as she raised her hand to hail their attention, she had armpit hair growing out of control, in globs and all nasty.
The drunkest man at the end of the bar looks at his fellows and says "I'll buy that pretty ballerina a drink"
The bartender looks at him, shrugs and pours the lady a glass.
After a few the lady does the same thing, raises her arm and asks whose gonna buy her a drink. The drunks avert their eyes elsewhere except the drunkest man at the end who replies "I'll buy the pretty ballerina a drink"
Again, the bartender looks at him and pours the drink.
Again the lady raises her hand and asks her request and again the drunkest man responds.
The bartender walks over to the drunk and says
"excuse me, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk looks at him and says
"well shit, anyone who can get their leg up that high HAS to be a ballerina..."
That's a good one. :PQ. Why couldn't the Buddhist vacuum in corners?
A. Because he had no attachments.
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Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
BUTIDON'TWANNAGO!! *flails*"
You have no choice. The all powerful Stephen has spoken.