it's personal discussion
300+ views
>
A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 2551:
by
Hallie
(new)
Oct 18, 2017 07:05PM
I can't sleep :/
reply
|
flag
I got about 4 hours of sleep. I don't know what gibberish I'm going to say.
Unexpected Visit
I'm not really in a mood to write now; all I want to do is read books that end with someone's death. However, I don't want to give this journal up, so I'm just going to force myself to try to write what happened yesterday.
My cousin's wife is 7 weeks pregnant, and since who knows when we'll come back here, my aunt wanted to take Mum and me to her house. My aunt and cousin were supposed to pick us up at 2, so Grandpa made us get ready by half past 1. Guess when they showed up. Half past three. That taller version of my brother woke up late. When I was putting on my shoes, my cousin called me by a nickname he invented on spot, and it was really, really awkward. What on earth did you just call me? That was legit my reaction.
He stopped somewhere so that Mum could buy my grandparents some medicine and his wife (uh, let's call her "Sally" for now) some junk food. Then Mum told him that it was bad for her, so he decided to not give it to her. The rest of the ride, Mum kept constantly annoying me by boasting about getting that medicine. Grandpa was told that the medicine could only be found in England and didn't believe Mum when she said that a relative told it is available in Wales. She got it in a medical store near another of my innumerous cousins' school, and she just had to make a big deal of it. *slaps forehead*
So Sally (that's weird but more convenient) kept throwing up and was really tired. The adults talked and I was on my phone. In my defence, my cousin was playing on his phone too. What do the two of us have to add to a conversation about pregnancy?
During tea time, they asked whether I wanted tea and I said yes. So Sally joked, "Her mother never gives her any tea, so she's grabbing the chances she gets. She actually does like it." Half the people here believe I don't like tea when I'm a total teaoholic -_- I replied, "Oh, I drink a lot at school!" Sally was impressed by that. Hehe good girl!
I didn't really enjoy whatever that thing her mother made for us. It wasn't bad; it's just not my cup of tea. And I got milk instead of tea -_- Then they were chatting again, and my cousin and Sally asked how my new school was. He used to live with us, so he vaguely knows a little about my favourite city. He asked the name when he realized that most students walked around as though they were models from some fashion magazine. "How about we go and pick her up one day?" He asked Sally. "We'll go to drop her off in the morning, watch everyone at the gate, go early to pick her up when they leave and watch them all again. If anyone asks, we'll say our beloved Hallie is in there. How many gates do you have?" He's too lazy to do that, but I just hope they don't do it. He even repeated the name of my school, and Sally said, "Hal, I think he's going to come soon." xD
I was kind of upset the whole day. After we left, we managed to finally get our hands on some mineral water for me - he's going to bring it today. Finally! This water tastes poisonous :/ Then we stopped to buy me a belt because mum forgot to pack my old, torn one. We stopped again to go to a grocery store where I stood typing on my phone. He did get me some snacks and a chocolate bar :) I kind of feel guilty that he paid for it, though.
When we reached home, my grandparents said that my uncle across the street felt dizzy. He once suffered from a stroke, so my cousin, aunt and mum went there while I sat in my room trying to shake off the dysphoria. My cousin took him to the doctor even though it was late so that they wouldn't have to worry about anything happening in the middle of the night. The doctor said there was nothing much to worry.
I'm leaving out a lot of details, but I'm really not in the mood right now. I just want to read stuff right now without typing. That's why I'm not responding to my roleplays yet.
The window in this room, for the first time, has been voluntarily opened by me.Well, technically I was forced into opening it by some insect that freaked me out, and I was too lazy to shut it again.
To-do List for School
• Cut out friends completely: Just heys if necessary and leave without byes. Nothing in between
• Sleep less: Get less than four hours of sleep every night. If it kills you, yay!
• Quit socializing with friends in the bus (or whatever vehicle he sends to pick me): They're fun, yes. They're sweet and I really like them even more than the friends I made in my class. They don't need me
• Stop caring about grades: They don't matter. Not to dead people.
• Ignore every single person
• Keep your mouth shut 24/7: If possible, even when the teacher asks a question. Now that's easy.
• Wait eagerly for the school fest: Stay for it at least for five minutes; try your best to get drunk
• As soon as it's over, put a full stop: Parents don't need to go to the meeting, no embarrassment, no nothing
Rubbish
I'm acting like I'm high. Not that I mind being high. Actually, I wish I was high. Drinking all away.....
Ironically enough, I used to condemn liquor until two years ago. I used to read about alcoholics and think, "Ugh why do they drink? It's so stupid!" Now I barely remember my previous opinion.
And back then, I actually thought that I'd be successful! Hilarious! I'm surprised how naive I used to be! I used to think: "I'll grow up and make a lot of money. Then I'll build Mum and Dad a huge house. I'll be happy forever!" Little fantasies they were. Few years later, I thought: "I'll get a degree, shove it on my family's face, and if Mum or Dad tells me to take care of them when they're old, off they go to an old age home, preferably one which has practices euthanasia." See? I told you I'm a horrible person! Isn't that thought simply inhumane? Thinking of killing the parents who gave me this life, raised me, paid all my expenses and loved me..... How abominable! In spite of knowing the magnitude of this evil, I still had that thought and don't care how wrong it is. Convinced that I'm a horrible person? I'm pretty sure no one reading this will answer that question. That is if anyone is reading this.
What else did my stupid old self think? Oh yeah! Opinion on suicide! I doubt I've ever shared this bit of information anywhere here: let me clarify that it was purely because I never felt the need to, and not because I'm ashamed of it. Candidly, I don't see why I should be ashamed by it. It's probably just don't trivial fact to you.
When I was younger, I used to read two very specific topics in the newspaper - murder and suicide. I used to turn every single page, but if anyone were to ask me about something that happened in town yesterday, or anything about politics, I would blink. It was right there in the newspaper, just beside the article that talked about some man murdering his wife, but I'd choose to ignore the former and devote all my interest to the latter. That was legit the only thing I read. When it came to people consuming poison or hanging or jumping off a building, I found it shocking. I found it insane to just end their lives. I did not like at all back then. Why the sudden change in opinion? Well back then, I had a perfect life. Back then, I even came first in my class. Back then, even though in rare occasions I would be compared to my brother, I didn't mind it. Back then, people didn't judge me for my appearance or my lack of interest in socializing. Back then, I used to be more confident about myself. Back then, I was happy. Back then, I was me.
I was the polar opposite of who I am now. I changed so much that I realized I failed and began to think suicide, after all, is not a bad option. If I had no potential, why bother trying? Why live when I'll die anyway? Why screw up when I'll die anyway?
Until a few weeks ago, I used to care about what people think about me if I showed my real self - annoyed, angry and reserved. I was afraid of the judgement that would come out of their mouths: "Oh, that girl? She's so self-centred!" Once my vice-principal in my old school called me self-centred (well, she called the whole class, but she picked me as the example - I'll write about that shortly), and I controlled my tears the rest of the day and finally ran home to cry. Today, I would agree with her opinion - albeit then prejudiced - in reality, it is true. Now, I don't give the damn what people think or say. I've been self-conscious, but now I don't care if someone comes in front of me and says, "You're a bitch!" in my face. I wouldn't punch them like I would back then; it would be the last thing that offends me. For, after all, I am a bitch.
Why doesn't it surprise me that I used that word? I've hated cussing all my life and suddenly I'm plastering my mouth to prevent myself from swearing.
Hmmmmmmmm..... I've never actually used it before. And now that I give it some thought, it suits me rather well. Maybe I should replace the 'solivagant' in the title (where did I even find that word? And spell-check, I'm pretty sure it's a real word. I'm still a big fan of expanding my "lexicon")
I think I've drifted away from what I was initially talking about. Oddly, I don't even remember what I was talking about at the top of this comment box. I do have the memory of a goldfish. Well, I'm extremely sorry about that and for wasting your time with this gibberish. Either yesterday's lack of sleep or taking effect today, or I'm officially a nutcase. I suppose just letting my thoughts run wild in someplace that is not my stupid head is better than finally showing my face at my cousin's house to minutes away from here to ask if she has a paper clip and deliver some asinine lie to back up my sudden interest in her stationary.
That sounds senseless, doesn't it? This whole post sounds senseless, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure half of this is grammatically incorrect, the other half worth raising an eyebrow, and the entire thing just crap.
That's me all screwed up.
The Halloween ball in the Harry Potter group seems to have come to an end, and I want to kick myself!It was bloody amazing, though. Three cheers for the mods and deputies and everyone else there!
Me testing HMe: What are my favourite colour and flower?
H: Purple. Wait you like flowers?
Yep, that was expected! Someone needs to know that I do like one particular flower. It's the only flower I like.
She answered "black dahlia"! Black dahlia! Of course!
There is at least one great person in every family.In my family, that position goes to my brother - and all of us know it.
Two years ago, at my grandmother's funeral, her sister said something that was rather ironic to what is really going to happen.My great-aunt asked my mum how I was at academics - whether better than my brother. It's a common question, so mum replied that I was fine. And then she told this.
Apparently when I was an infant, my grandmother had gone to an astrologer. My dad's parents were extremely religious (and then there's me), so I'm not surprised. That must have been the first thing they did when my dad called them and told them about my birth. The astrologer said that the daughter would grow up to be greater than the son.
That sounds ludicrous! Weird astrologer..... Totally false....
Who are you and what have you done to the real Hallie?
My mum's an idiot. Ugh! I'm so fed up of her!
Stupid Song-writing Time!
Presenting another crappy song I wrote in approximately 23 minutes. I have a crappy tune for it at well, which I hopefully won't forget by the time I get back home and record it (fingers crossed that I won't). This one is called *drumrolls*
Get The Weapons Out
Standing like dolls meant for display,
Looking the same throughout the day,
Not fighting the hurdles in the way,
All we do is stand still and pray.
That someday, someday,
Someday we'll all be free.
Someday, someday,
Someday we all will breathe.
But if we fight we'll fall and stand up stronger,
And that day will come sooner than expected,
Could be now, or could be tomorrow,
So get the weapons out.
And if we fight we'll buy our freedom ourselves,
And give them the hell that we had been through,
Could be here, or could be elsewhere,
So get the weapons out.
Falling down as soon as we're shot,
Lying right there just left to rot,
Not raising a voice when it's a lot,
All we do is stand and watch the dot.
Someday, someday,
Someday we'll all be free.
Someday, someday,
Someday we all will breathe.
But if we fight we'll fall and stand up stronger,
And that day will come sooner than expected,
Could be now, or could be tomorrow,
So get the weapons out.
And if we fight we'll buy our freedom ourselves,
And give them the hell that we had been through,
Could be here, or could be elsewhere,
So get the weapons out.
Get the weapons out.
Wait patiently and never get it back,
Or kick some butts to snatch it away,
Dream on and let it fly away,
Or live the dream at reality.
Someday, someday,
Someday we'll all be free.
Someday, someday,
Someday we all will breathe.
But if we fight we'll fall and stand up stronger,
And that day will come sooner than expected,
Could be now, or could be tomorrow,
So get the weapons out.
And if we fight we'll buy our freedom ourselves,
And give them the hell that we had been through,
Could be here, or could be elsewhere,
So get the weapons out.
I know, I know - it sucks, right? What the hell is that lame rhyming scheme?
Aw thanks! Maybe I'll record myself singing it and ruin it completely for you.
This is war and I have a sword in my hand, but I don't use it to fight someone else. Instead I fight myself.
I'm good! I love ur song btw - very imaginative. How are u?
Wow, Hallie! That is awesome!(P. S. A recording would make it better, not ruin it!)
Morning! Thanks, I guess. I'd still argue that the song is bad.Uh well, Sara, do I really need to tell?
Of course not, Alia! Firstly, I sing horrible, and secondly, the tune is rather plain.
I wonder who the latest person who viewed this is.
I can't believe I took 10 damn months to finish my reading challenge!
I can't wait to get back home and overdose.
Hallie wrote: "I can't wait to get back home and overdose."no. don't do it, Hallie
Today is my friend's birthday (from my old school), and I left her number at home! Well, she's probably at school right now, but I'm so stupid because I need to wish that girl! And today's also the day the United Nations Organization was formed back in 1945. Yep, History is one of my strong subjects xD
This is easy to remember because of my friend. Every time the teacher deals with the Second World War, two people in my class come into everyone's heads: she and me. Her birthday falls on the day the UN was established, and my birthday falls on the day of the Nagasaki bomb blast. The looks people give us when they try to remember the dates!
I'll have to introduce myself to my friends again when I get back. They just have forgotten me having not spoken to be for three weeks......Actually, it's better if they forget all about me.
It's kind of hard to call them friends. They feel more like someone I know.
Once one of them was acting bonkers, so I said, "Want to be*insert my brother's name* part 2?" And she looked at me and asked, "Who's that?"If you don't know my brother's name, you don't know me at all. You're not fit to call yourself my friend if you don't know that because sometimes he is the only reason I open my mouth.
Of course, that doesn't apply online, but you need to know that my brother's an idiot and I like the fact that he is my brother.
I made an Instagram account.And before you ask, no, I won't let you follow me yet. I'll make a second account and share that because I don't want them to find out some things about me if they find you. I hope that sounds like a rational reason. It's not that I'm ashamed of you; I'm ashamed of myself and I love you guys.
One hour, and I've already got two of my friends following me back.If there is anything I miss in real life, that's the awesome class I grew up at my old school. Now everyone is on different paths *sighs*
*heaves a long sigh* I feel less suicidal right now. Hopefully it'll last for a while!
Hallie wrote: "I made an Instagram account.And before you ask, no, I won't let you follow me yet. I'll make a second account and share that because I don't want them to find out some things about me if they fin..."
I understand. I made two accounts. I made the second account for back up, just in case Insta deletes my account because they were going around and deleting spam accounts at that time. I had to post something and tag an account and follow that account to make sure my account didn't get deleted. Tho I barely use my second account.
Hallie wrote: "One hour, and I've already got two of my friends following me back.If there is anything I miss in real life, that's the awesome class I grew up at my old school. Now everyone is on different path..."
I know how that feels. I miss my high school friends because most of us are going to different colleges.
❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) (Aelonian) (AA family) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I made an Instagram account.And before you ask, no, I won't let you follow me yet. I'll make a second account and share that because I don't want them to find out some things about..."
I don't think I'll use either of them. I found some of my classmates and I'll follow the president of my school so that I stop missing out important announcements, but that's probably all I feel like doing.
❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) (Aelonian) (AA family) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "One hour, and I've already got two of my friends following me back.If there is anything I miss in real life, that's the awesome class I grew up at my old school. Now everyone is on..."
Same here. There are three others from my old school here, but in different classes.
Boring...... Would anyone like to try this?
7,8,9,13,14,18, 19 and 1...I mean weird and crazy just like me XD That's why we are such good friends, right? 21, 23,24
1, 4 (both are good ok), 7,8,9,13,14,15,18,19,20,21,23p.s. I know that 25 isn't a good thing, but in harry potter terms, congrats on getting into hogwarts
If any of the attributes (except the sarcasm - everyone knows I run on sarcasm) pointed out by Ahana and Mays are true in my case, let the sky fall on me this instant! ......
Nope. Guess it's false.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
More...
