it's personal discussion
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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
Hallie wrote: "Aw I'm sorry :( I'm one of those lucky girls who don't get any cramps or pain, but still suffer during the week."AWWW!! LUCKY!!
Artsy wrote: "They said some very stupid and mean things, but that doesn't mean they want you dead. I've said similar terrible things to my sister in the past. But if she were to die, i would be completely devas..."Remember one thing: They are my family. I know who they are better than anyone else. I know what annoys whom and what each person likes. I know when they are serious and when they're just kidding. And I know for sure that I am the liability here. Have you heard the way they try to get me out of bed? They do it to annoy - screw all good intentions and genuine care. My dad kept that nickname for me when I was born because my brother has another nickname, and because it was easier to say that than the nickname everyone else has for me. You think that's preposterous? Let's face the fact: That is exactly what will happen. But maybe you're right - they would be devastated. The fees they paid for school and transport and my phone and guitar would not be refunded.
Here's another thing I want to point out: I am me. I'm not the person you talked about, someone who is actually really strong. I'm me and I can't be like someone else even if what they did was a good thing. Starting with the fact that I don't have a future, if I continue, I see myself drinking, doing drugs, wasting my life in the next five years. So unless someone decides to take me out of this family to let me be me this very instant, then no, there are no other options.
♧Ahana♧ I am 365 so FRESH! wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aw I'm sorry :( I'm one of those lucky girls who don't get any cramps or pain, but still suffer during the week."AWWW!! LUCKY!!"
Jealous? xD They still suck, so don't be.
"So, why do you want to do this? Why do you think there is no other way? Do you think you can't have the life you want?What kind of life do you want for yourself? What do you want to do that your parents won't let you do? What do you want to have? What do you want to achieve?"
You still haven't clearly answered this. What do you want to do that your parents won't let you do? Who do you want to be that your parents won't let you be?
I'm honestly curious. As to why you think you can't get through this. Why you think you can't live a good life at some point. You may not realize how strong you can actually be. And remember, things in your life can change in an instant. Change for the better. But usually change is gradual. It's something you have to work on and get used to. There ARE better options. They may not be easy, but they make your life better in the long run.
For both the questions, I'll give one answer: I want to be me.It won't get better. Not after what I did. My future is linked to my past, and I screwed up there so I screwed up my whole life. New starts won't come - or at least not in real life.
Who is "you"? And if you don't mind me asking, what did you do that was so bad that you think you screwed up your whole life?
I'll answer that tomorrow.I can't say. I mean I won't say.
Well, I managed to say one sensible thing in weeks today.
Hey, Hallie. I know we haven't really talked much, but I feel the need to give my two cents on the matter. Ultimately it is your choice and I'll respect that, however sad it may be. It is your life and you certainly do know much more about it than I. That said, as dismal as things are now, it really can improve someday. Life changes and we change with it. Looking back at who I was just two years ago, I'm blown away by the changes in myself. I never would have guessed Id become who I am now, especially back in my teenage years. Yes, your past will follow you, but it doesn't have to remain as what defines you. I don't really know what to say that you probably haven't heard before, but let me tell you a little about my husband.. My husband was the kid who grew up severely bullied. He nearly died from it at one point. To combat this, he ended up the bully of bullies. This changed and morphed until he became a downright terrifying man with an inner rage inside him that threatened to consume him. Bipolar, PTSD, insomnia, and a handful of other things pulled strings with his emotions and thoughts. He did many questionable violent things, and reached the max explosive stage when he was 17 and tried to kill his aunt through strangling her. He would have succeeded had the chair not fallen over and his mother not stepped in. This absolutely tore him up. Over the years the bullying he had experienced and the things he had done weighed on his conscious. He wasn't depressed, necessarily, but he eventually started waking up every morning wondering if he would go on a killing spree and hunt down those who had hurt him as a kid. He was convinced he would go down suicide by cop, after bringing others down with him.
This is a long story so I'll cut it short. While he was trying to find a way to calm the chaos of his mind, he found a love for books. He then made a GR account and joined groups. It was there that he met me, and we hit it off as friends. Somehow, over the space of a couple years, through our daily messages he had fallen for me with love at first sight (I took a couple years before I fell in love myself) and I had helped him become a softer, happier person. I was the anchor to the chaos of his mind. He no longer woke up wondering if each day was his last. He no longer was so, well, scary and intimidating.
The day we arranged to meet in person for the first time, he proposed. But it is the words of his mother which I will never forget on that day, because her first words to me were, "Thank you. Thank you for saving my son."
He had thought he was beyond saving. Just an empty shell who was alive, but with no life. That his life was meaningless and would never change. Yet he is night and day compared to who he was then. His past is horrible and morally questionable, yet he is happy and has the life now that he had always dreamed of having. It wasn't easy, but it happened. And if he can shed his past and find happiness, I damn well think you can too. It is easier as an adult for sure, especially if you can put a little distance between family and their expectations of who you are. The memories never really leave and your past is still a part of you, but it does not define you unless you decide to allow it.
If there is anything I can do to help make your life easier, please tell me. Sometimes just a friend can make a world of difference. I don't really know you well, but honest answer is Ill probably cry my eyes out if I find out you died. And Im not a crier. But again. It's your life. Just know that it has considerably more room for getting better - way better - than it does of becoming worse. Even if your real family sucks, know you have another bizarre family on here. <3
Thanks for the concern, Lynx, and I'm really sorry your husband had to face all that, but I'm glad he got out of it. But I don't want to fight anymore because I don't even know what I am fighting - me or something else. I'm the one at fault on the first place. I appreciate the concerns, but really, just forget all about me.
That's a rather simple task. It's easy to forget something you vaguely know.
Oh I'm getting into a lot of trouble tomorrow! :/
Hallie wrote: "Thanks for the concern, Lynx, and I'm really sorry your husband had to face all that, but I'm glad he got out of it. But I don't want to fight anymore because I don't even know what I am fighting -..."That sounds exhausting. I'm sorry life has been so miserable for you. <3 Don't hesitate to track me down if you want to vent or just want someone to talk and listen. I know it makes a world of difference for me.
Hallie wrote: "Oh I'm getting into a lot of trouble tomorrow! :/"Why?
Hallie wrote: "Oh I'm getting into a lot of trouble tomorrow! :/"Why? :(
I didn't do something I was supposed to do.In trouble again tomorrow. And I don't give the damn.
Now I can see my whole life tumbling in front of my eyes.
Okay, I'm now in twice the amount of trouble I was in today.
Apparently everyone is meeting at school in August.
Craptastic. You don't want to know what's master plan is in my stupid, good for nothing brain.
Lol did you ever want to go to college in another country? xD
xD I'm wondering which part of Asia.
Well, once I had a dream in which my brother tried to kill me with a feather, and I wouldn't be in the same room as my brother for weeks after that xD Compared to that, this seems more... I don't know... Imaginable?
I'm most likely going to follow my dreams and make them come to life. Whether certain people in my life like it or not. I'm my dreams.
All this dream talk reminds me of my school. Last year, I had to deliver a speech on any topic, and I chose dreams and dream symbolism.
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow"
~ Numb, Linkin Park
I can't remember whether I posted before, but I should have posted it days ago.
I don't think my bed has a right side. Nor do I have a good side. Beg to differ? List 10 good things about me. I bet you can't get past 0.
Lol Masi xDHals if you need a hug anytime just tell me. I know things aren't always easy but I'll always have your back :)
Thanks again, Mays! I just need a shoulder to cry on.Haha Masi xD My friends used to call me Elsa because my body temperature sometimes turns really cold even if I'm wearing five layers of clothing.
It's back! It's back! Good electricity board!
Have I lost the ability to use emojis? Crap!
Season 7 episode 9.Quite an improvement.
Do you plan on celebrating? (buying new books, etc)
No, I don't want anything. I'm just excited because ever since I was little, that day has always been my favourite day every year.
Aw nice :) *sends over virtual present*
Aw thank you :) 
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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If they really didn't care about you, they wouldn't care if you got out of bed. They obviously do care. Your dad has a nickname for you. They love you.
And them saying,"see i told you she would die soon if she didn't eat."? That is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. They wouldn't say that. They would be devastated. They would never forget about you. Never ever. They will have the memory of you for the rest of their lives.
Let's say your right, though. Let's just go along with what you're saying for a minute and pretend that they hate you. If that were true, you could still have a good life. I know someone who was literally abandoned by her family. She was extremely depressed. She was able to get through it and have a good life. She now has good friends and a nice future ahead for herself. You can have those things, too.
So, why do you want to do this? Why do you think there is no other way? Do you think you can't have the life you want?
What kind of life do you want for yourself? What do you want to do that your parents won't let you do? What do you want to have? What do you want to achieve?