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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
But really, crap! My immaculate planning has been shattered!
Hallie wrote: "Sorry Kavy. I've decided."Hallie pls....I can't lose you too. I need you Hallie.....
Maybe I'll go and get my hair cut really short tomorrow.
Okay, not really short, but maybe Hermione Granger short. How much would that cost me? I'd colour it too, but I'm pretty sure I can't afford that and it's a stupid thing to do especially when I don't tell my parents.
Shit why did I say that? Some mod please delete it for me, and don't tell anyone about it!
❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Sorry Kavy. I've decided."Hallie pls....I can't lose you too. I need you Hallie....."
You don't need me. No one does.
Hallie wrote: "❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Sorry Kavy. I've decided."Hallie pls....I can't lose you too. I need you Hallie....."
You don't need me. No one does."
I do need you. We need you Hallie.
❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Sorry Kavy. I've decided."Hallie pls....I can't lose you too. I need you Hallie....."
You don't need me. No one does."
..."
You don't. You just say you do.
Why are there suicide prevention hotline numbers in every single article?
Hallie wrote: "❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Sorry Kavy. I've decided."Hallie pls....I can't lose you too. I need you Hall..."
I do need you Hallie.
You don't. You really, really don't.
Hallie wrote: "You don't. You really, really don't."I do Hallie. I really do
GeekyFreakyScientist wrote: "Bye Hallie! I've decided to leave the group. Love you. :D :) (Like in a friend way XD) <3333 <3 <3 :D :) :D <33"Don't leave!!! :(
Why would you need me? To annoy the hell out of you? To cause you mental pain and suffering?
GeekyFreakyScientist wrote: "Bye Hallie! I've decided to leave the group. Love you. :D :) (Like in a friend way XD) <3333 <3 <3 :D :) :D <33"What?!?! Why?!?!!? I can't stop you from leaving, but at least can I have a reason why? Anyway, I'll see you in some other group :)
I'm not going to argue here because you do have a decent reason. If you feel the need to leave, I have no right to tell you to not. However, I do want to say that you're a great friend. I can definitely understand not being able to fit in because that's me everyday - even here at this minute - but you're one of the reasons for me to stay. You're special, and I want you to know that I was really, really happy each time you said hey in my journal. So thanks for being my friend!
Hallie wrote: "Why would you need me? To annoy the hell out of you? To cause you mental pain and suffering?"You're an amazing friend Hallie and you haven't caused me any mental pain or suffering I love you Hallie
Not yet. Once I thought I found my best friends ever, and I ended up doing the one of the worst mistakes in my life and turning them into my greatest enemies. Who knows what I'll do with my best friends now?
Sorry
Alright. I screwed up. I screwed up big time. I made the wrong decisions, I'm living the wrong life doing the wrong things. Everything just feels so wrong - including my existence. I've lost interest in everything. I forget details that happened in my life even if it happened five minutes ago. I space out, and this went to the extent where I couldn't even give my dad's name. I was taught my whole family's names when I learnt how to speak. I get emotional sometimes; I'm becoming the most indolent person on the planet; I'm turning into someone else - someone I can't even recognize. I knew I was ugly on the outside, but now when I look in the mirror, I see someone ugly all over. I'm sorry, I screwed up my life and wasted it. I don't want to waste anyone else's time anymore.
17 days for my birthday. 18 days for something else.
6 more episodes for the end of season 6. I'm going to finish the whole series by the time it's my birthday.
I really, really need to cut my hair short.
Oh as if I'm not having any worries in life whatsoever, guess what decided to waltz in? (view spoiler)
I FEEL YOU GIRL!
Aw I'm sorry :( I'm one of those lucky girls who don't get any cramps or pain, but still suffer during the week.
I wonder whether mum will actually go to her parents next month.
Well, I'm not sticking around to find out.
Wait a minute, if that's the case, she won't be able to go. It would be rude to leave when your daughter goes away forever the previous day.
I want to be buried/cremated/whatever here, not in Wales!
I wonder if my grandparents will preserve the picture in the newspaper.Will my picture even come in the newspaper? The only one I have is in my school uniform, and I doubt my parents would give that for an obituary.
Funny how five years ago, I was afraid of dying, and now I just want to die so badly. Five years later, I most likely will be dead.
I don't think we've ever spoken, but i feel like i should say something. It sounds like you are thinking of doing something drastic and permanent. You need to know that there are better solutions to your problems. Please reconsider. There are people who care about you. Believe me. I've had bad thoughts like this. I've considered doing something drastic and permanent. I now know that there are other options and that i can get through this. You can get through this. Please.
Why did my parents even have me? They could have lived happily with just my brother. He's the perfect human being: graduated school and university with good grades, got a job in less than a year after leaving uni (actually, he got around four jobs, but one was being a pain and the other two called out only after he joined), wants to pursue higher studies, believes he can do it, and most importantly, he has a pragmatic goal in life. Why didn't they just stop with him? Why not abort me?
Thanks for the concern, Artsy, but no, there isn't a better option.
Hallie wrote: "Why did my parents even have me? They could have lived happily with just my brother. He's the perfect human being: graduated school and university with good grades, got a job in less than a year af..."The past doesn't matter. People care about you. You can have an amazing future ahead of you. You have the opportunity to do so many wonderful things with your life. Because you exist. Thinking in hypotheticals won't help you. 'What if' this. 'What if' that. 'What ifs' mean nothing. What if you didn't exist? It doesn't matter, because you DO exist. You have existed and have been existing. You have been a part of others lives. Whether you know it or not, you have had an influence on others in your life. They would be devastated if something were to happen to you. They don't care about hypotheticals. They care about you.
Artsy wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Why did my parents even have me? They could have lived happily with just my brother. He's the perfect human being: graduated school and university with good grades, got a job in less..."That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! The past is what makes me, me. How can I ignore it? How can I say it doesn't matter when it shaped me? Next, no, I don't have an amazing future, unless we're talking about a hypothetical situation, because my parents don't want me to do what I want to do, and I don't want to do what they want me to do. Well, it won't take long for that hypothetical to turn into reality. I can stop existing this instant and still no one would care. No one would even know.
Oh gosh! I'm so sorry if I sound rude there! I'm just....
What i meant was, you can't change the past. However, you do have some control of the present and the future. You can do what you want to do with your own life. Your parents can't contol your decisions. Not when you become an adult. You can believe me or not, but you do have options. You can get a job. You can go to college. You can get your own place. You can make your own life whatever you want it to be. Try not to think about what others are doing. Comparing yourself to others will not help you. It doesn't matter what your siblings are doing, or what your classmates are doing. It's YOUR life. You CAN make something good of it. You don't have to believe me. You can laugh in my face if you want. But i want you to try. Please. Try to live your life. Try to live it the way you want to. If you don't like your life now, there are other ways out.
I could have changed it when the past was the present. But I didn't. Whose fault it that? Yes, but the time I reach university, I'll still not be an adult. I can't get a job right now. My parents don't even let me drop a subject I hate and take something that I'm interested in school. There is no way they'll let me get a job. And even if I manage, then their fate will be horrible. Really horrible. What I want is for my life to end and nothing else.
Yes, you could have done things differently. But you can't do that now. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on to make better choices. That's all any of us can do. You can push through it. And keep your mind distracted with schoolwork and other things. Time will fly by, and soon enough, you will be an adult and able to do the things you want. How will there fate be horrible if you get a job? They're fate will be worse if you end your life. Everyone who you've met will be affected. Please. You CAN do things differently. You CAN survive. You CAN have the life you want.
What if I'm not willing to learn from those mistakes? What if I'm determined to commit them again and again and again? Schoolwork is one of the things that makes me want to kill myself. Two years. I have two more bloody years to celebrate my 18th birthday, and I'm not sticking around for that. Ultimately, my parents will be the ones paying my uni tuition. If I get a job, their lives turn into hell because that's the kind of person I am. I bear grudges. How on earth would they have a worse fate if I left? I am the reason for their adversities: I can easily let them have a better life by not living.
They don't think that. They love you. You leaving them would be the biggest burden you could ever lay on them. The burden of frief and disspair and depression and them wondering what they did wrong and what they did to deserve this. They would rather have all of the burdens and annoyances and whatever else you give them, than to have you leave them.
I've heard it from their mouths! I've heard that they'd rather have someone else than me. They can move to that house, my brother could get the larger bedroom, my parents could go back to their birthplace, take up agriculture, do whatever they want and forget all about me. They can do it and they will do it. If it's getting them to wonder what they did wrong, then let it. Let them at least know that they did something wrong. Actually, let me tell you what would happen. One morning, my mum will scream my name grumpily from the kitchen to wake me up, and I won't wake up at all. Then she would bring up school or studies or whatever that isn't exactly a pleasant thing for me. I still won't wake up. My dad will finish his bath and come "Little Oning" (I know that makes zero sense, but that's his nickname for me), and try to wake me up. No, they think I'm still oversleeping. My brother will come up with the crazy idea to block my nose to wake me up, but when he does that, he will realize that something's wrong. Then he'll shake me, try to sit on me, then take me to the hospital but when the doctors pronounce me dead, they won't go for an autopsy. They'll say it was my fault. They'll rule it out because I wasn't eating healthy. They'll say, "See I told her she would die soon if she didn't eat." After the funeral, "I'm sorry for your loss", they'll forget all about me. The next time they'll remember me if when the clock stops working because who's going to fix it now?
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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I'm gonna post something about this after I get back from Australia cause I might start crying and not a good time to cry rn