Matthew > Matthew's Quotes

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
― Bill Maher

“Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!”
― Bill Maher

“I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”
― Bill Maher

“New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.”
― Bill Maher, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer

“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?”
― Bill Maher

“I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.”
― Bill Maher

“There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ...

...Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth.”
― Bill Maher

“Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.”
― Bill Maher

“We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”
― Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”
― Bill Maher

“I think religion is a neurological disorder.”
― Bill Maher

“Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.”
― Bill Maher

“That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.”
― Bill Maher

“Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.”
― Bill Maher

“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.”
― Bill Maher

“There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious—makes you so sick at heart—that you can't take part. You can't even passively take part. And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop. And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all.”
― Mario Savio