Heather > Heather's Quotes

“Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Life is not like water. Things in life don't necessarily flow over the shortest possible route.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“There was just one moon. That familiar, yellow, solitary moon. The same moon that silently floated over fields of pampas grass, the moon that rose--a gleaming, round saucer--over the calm surface of lakes, that tranquilly beamed down on the rooftops of fast-asleep houses. The same moon that brought the high tide to shore, that softly shone on the fur of animals and enveloped and protected travelers at night. The moon that, as a crescent, shaved slivers from the soul--or, as a new moon, silently bathed the earth in its own loneliness. THAT moon.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“Maybe next time we just open the door and start out with some bitch slapping.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early."
-Ranger”
― Janet Evanovich, Lean Mean Thirteen

“Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap
cheat sheet.”
― Janet Evanovich, To the Nines

“The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you.”
― Adam Carolla, In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks . . . And Other Complaints from an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy

“The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone... Starting with Me

“I’m tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?”
― Joan Rivers, Diary of a Mad Diva

“If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of 'if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do.' It's the freedom and the independence.”
― Adam Carolla

“Here’s a handy list of warning signs of the worst people on the road. Some are tuned-out menaces, others are just assholes. Be alert, and if you see this on a vehicle close to you, get away now. STICK FIGURE FAMILY: I hereby decree that you are allowed to accelerate to ramming speed every time you see a minivan with a silhouette of the family and their names on the rear window. We get it, you didn’t pull out. Is that information you really think I’m interested in? I know you’re a parent. You’re driving a Plymouth Voyager with two hundred thousand miles on it; do you imagine I’m behind you thinking, “Who is that gay entrepreneur?” Even worse is the theme family. Oh, you’re into snowboarding? Oh, you’ve got cats? Oh, they’ve all got Mickey ears, they must really love Disney. You know what I love? Driving more than fifty-three miles an hour. How about a stick figure depiction of your family moving the fuck over and letting me get to work on time?”
― Adam Carolla, President Me: The America That's in My Head – A Hilariously Satirical Political Comedy from the Podcast Host

“Here’s one way to tell if you’re driving how I want you to—nay, how America needs you to. Whenever I drive my dad around, I see him mashing his feet into the floor mat. The old man is using imaginary brakes because I’m driving so hard. When your passenger is trying to stop the vehicle with his feet like Fred Flintstone, this is the ultimate tip of the cap.”
― Adam Carolla, President Me: The America That's in My Head

“I’ve found that falling asleep is the best way to politely excuse yourself from an unwanted interaction.”
― Babe Walker, White Girl Problems

“During moments of uterine compromise, my presence on campus would put faculty and students at risk. Think Columbine, but in a Burberry trench.”
― Babe Walker, White Girl Problems

“Jesus Fart-Gargling Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? Somehow you’ve made me miss those bygone, halcyon days when you merely endorsed pedophiles.”
― Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump

“I hate everyone who wants a free ride.”
― Matthew DiBenedetti, I Hate Everyone