Patrick Mitchell > Patrick's Quotes

“She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it of you'd show her a little respect.”
― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I myself was confounded as shit...”
― David Sedaris

“It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.”
― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“The only person who is going to buy that monstrosity with all it's marble and pillars is a Persian. Why did they add all those little rooms that lead to nowhere? It's just a total abortion.”
― Heather McDonald, You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up

“Lobster is not going to be as tasty with ice tea unless that ice tea is from Long Island.”
― Heather McDonald, You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up

“My own boyfriend didn't think I had the hypothetical balls to have sex in the park or go to a drag ball in the eighteen hundreds. Was I that much of a wimp?”
― Craig Seymour, All I Could Bare: My Life in the Strip Clubs of Gay D.C.

“The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were white.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertaining, but you can't get beyond the sad fact that this person actually thinks he bringing some joy into your life. Somewhere he had a mother who sifted through a shoe box of mimeographed playbills, pouring herself another drink and wondering when her son would come to his senses and swallow some drain cleaner.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for the night. Take your act on the road; it's four o'clock in the morning,goddamnit.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“We were standing near the Lollipop Forest when we realized that Santa is an anagram of Satan... Overhearing the customers we would substitute the Satan for the world Santa.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“If a bout of "creepy face" sets in, the trick is to look away from the camera between shots and turn back only when necessary. This also limits how much of your soul the camera can steal.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn't think anyone would notice, but i persevered because like you trying to a do a nine- piece jigsaw puzzle, it was a labor of love.”
― Tina Fey

“Poor, chubby Annette Kelper, who desperately tries to pretend that nobody notices the fact that she’s balding on top of her head. That’s right. Look closely — balding just like a man. Perhaps Randy feels sorry for chrome-dome Annette.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“The Bible says that it’s all right to cast the first stone if someone dead is telling you to do it”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“Here I’ve given him a good eight inches and a shot at immortality and he’ll turn on me the same way he did last year when I asked him to pose for a few nude sketches. Ingrate”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“He has a point there, that’s harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“You’re not going to throw this away, are you?” she says, and she’ll be talking about the grains of rice in the bottom of the salt shaker. “No, Mrs. Peacock, by all means, you take them. They’ll come in handy when your son gets out of prison and marries your niece.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“You’d have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to know what you’re getting yourself into, so if there’s blame, blame yourself.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“Isn’t that sweet of my only son to travel all this way so he can whine about his pathetic little friend? Maybe if I weren’t strapped to my deathbed I could muster up the strength to give a damn.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“After that there was nothing left to say as nothing gets on my nerves more than someone repeating the same phrase twice. I think it’s something people have picked up from television, this emotional stutter. Rather than say something interesting once, they repeat a cliché and hope for the same effect”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“On the off chance my caller would tell me to quit drinking, I positioned myself on the sofa with two six-packs and a bottle of nice scotch. Then I turned on the TV and ate a sandwich made from leftover chicken lo mein. I call it a Chanwich.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“Because that’s really something I can’t stand — when people refer to themselves as crazy. The truly crazy are labeled so on the grounds that they see nothing wrong with their behavior. They forge ahead, lighting fires in public buildings and defecating in frying pans without the slightest notion that they are out of step with the rest of society. That, to me, is crazy.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

“Do you mind if we make this a no-smoking bench?” There is no “we.” Our votes automatically cancel one another out. What she meant was, “Do you mind if I make this a no-smoking bench?This woman was wearing a pair of sandals, which are always a sure sign of trouble. They looked like the sort of shoes Moses might have worn while he chiseled regulations onto stone tablets. I looked at her sandals and at her rapidly moving arms and I crushed my cigarette. I acted like it was no problem and then I stared at the pages of my book, hating her and Moses — the two of them.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays