Julia > Julia's Quotes

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  • #1
    Steven Wright
    “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
    ― Steven Wright
    tags: amnesia, humor, memory
    4690 likes

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  • #2
    Groucho Marx
    “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
    ― Groucho Marx
    tags: books, humor, reading
    3619 likes

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  • #3
    Steve Martin
    “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
    ― Steve Martin
    tags: humor, obvious, simile
    35260 likes

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  • #4
    Albert Einstein
    “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
    ― Albert Einstein
    tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
    148468 likes

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  • #5
    Jim Henson
    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
    ― Jim Henson
    26434 likes

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  • #6
    Jack Handey
    “If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”
    ― Jack Handy
    tags: deep-thoughts, jack-handy, thought
    79 likes

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  • #7
    Groucho Marx
    “Time wounds all heels.”
    ― Groucho Marx
    tags: paraphrased
    368 likes

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  • #8
    Groucho Marx
    “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
    ― Groucho Marx
    tags: classic-insult
    1649 likes

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  • #9
    Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another What! You
    “Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
    ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
    tags: friendship
    88118 likes

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  • #10
    Groucho Marx
    “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
    ― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
    tags: animals, books, dogs, friends, humor
    37987 likes

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  • #11
    Mark Twain
    “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
    ― Mark Twain
    34470 likes

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  • #12
    “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
    ― Paul Terry
    tags: exercise, humor, laziness, misattributed-to-hutchins
    24393 likes

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  • #13
    John Green
    “Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
    ― John Green
    tags: humor, nerdfighters
    21603 likes

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  • #14
    Bill Watterson
    “Reality continues to ruin my life.”
    ― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
    tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor, life
    21185 likes

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  • #15
    George Carlin
    “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
    ― George Carlin
    tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth
    19797 likes

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  • #16
    Rita Mae Brown
    “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
    ― Rita Mae Brown
    tags: humor, insanity
    12679 likes

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  • #17
    J.K. Rowling
    “Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
    "Yes," said Harry stiffly.
    "Yes, sir."
    "There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
    The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
    ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
    tags: humor, rebellion, sarcasm
    15172 likes

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  • #18
    Douglas Adams
    “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    ― Douglas Adams
    tags: attributed-no-source, humor, misattributed-douglas-adams, wit
    11372 likes

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  • #19
    Oscar Levant
    “There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
    ― Oscar Levant
    tags: genius, humor, insanity
    9902 likes

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  • #20
    Groucho Marx
    “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
    ― Groucho Marx
    tags: friends, humor, jail
    10181 likes

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  • #21
    J.K. Rowling
    “He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
    ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
    tags: humor, shampoo
    10178 likes

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  • #22
    Jerome K. Jerome
    “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
    ― Jerome K. Jerome
    tags: humor, work
    8140 likes

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  • #23
    Mark Twain
    “Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
    ― Mark Twain
    tags: humor, writing
    9633 likes

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  • #24
    J.K. Rowling
    “Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?"
    "Yes."
    "You called her a liar?"
    "Yes."
    "You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?"
    "Yes."
    "Have a biscuit, Potter.”
    ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
    10500 likes

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  • #25
    W.C. Fields
    “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
    ― W.C. Fields
    7410 likes

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  • #26
    “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
    ― Anthony G. Oettinger
    tags: humor, misattributed-to-groucho-marx, time
    6193 likes

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  • #27
    George Burns
    “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
    ― George Burns
    tags: family, happiness, humor
    5596 likes

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  • #28
    Terry Pratchett
    “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
    ― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent
    tags: death, humor, life
    6727 likes

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  • #29
    Douglas Adams
    “The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
    ― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
    tags: flight, flying, hg2g, humor
    4988 likes

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  • #30
    J.K. Rowling
    “Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.”
    ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
    tags: flirting, humor
    3949 likes



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amnesia
humor
memory
books
reading
obvious
simile
attributed-no-source
human-nature
infinity
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science
stupidity
universe
deep-thoughts
jack-handy
thought
paraphrased
classic-insult
friendship
animals
dogs
friends
exercise
laziness
misattributed-to-hutchins
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life
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lies
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self-indulgence
truth
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misattributed-douglas-adams
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shampoo
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time
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