Kelly > Kelly's Quotes

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”
― Dorothy Parker, You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker

“What fresh hell is this?”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“They sicken of the calm who know the storm.”
― Dorothy Parker, Sunset Gun: Poems

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I hate writing, I love having written.”
― Dorothy Parker

“She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.”
― Dorothy Parker

“So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.'"
Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, "The Naked and the Dead.”
― Dorothy Parker

“And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned.”
― Dorothy Parker, Sunset Gun: Poems

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”
― Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

[Women Know Everything!]”
― Dorothy Parker

“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ”
― Roseanne Barr

“Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.”
― Roseanne Barr

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
― Winston Churchill

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

[On British Labour politician Stafford Cripps.]”
― Winston S. Churchill, Wealth, War and Wisdom

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“If you cannot read all your books...fondle them---peer into them, let them fall open where they will, read from the first sentence that arrests the eye, set them back on the shelves with your own hands, arrange them on your own plan so that you at least know where they are. Let them be your friends; let them, at any rate, be your acquaintances.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
― Winston Churchill

“A joke is a very serious thing.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Healthy citizens are the greatest asset any country can have.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her. She was meant to be wooed and won by youth.”
― Winston S. Churchill, My Early Life, 1874-1904