John > John's Quotes

“I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.”
― Justin Halpern, I Suck at Girls

“Joy, humor, and laughter should be part of everyone's spiritual life. They are gifts from God and help us enjoy creation.”
― James Martin, Between Heaven and Mirth: Why Joy, Humor, and Laughter Are at the Heart of the Spiritual Life

“You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.”
― Justin Halpern, I Suck at Girls

“Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.”
― Justin Halpern, I Suck at Girls

“It tastes like water spiked with strange.”
― Mary Roach, Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal

“The slang for the rectum is "prison wallet".”
― Mary Roach, Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal

“Even though we are peripheral to the slavery, our action is necessary to overcome a horrific evil.”
― Nicholas D. Kristof, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

“One of the great failings of the American education system (in our view) is that young people can graduate from university without any understanding of poverty at home or abroad.”
― Nicholas D. Kristof, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

“Americans of faith should try as hard to save the lives of African women as the lives of unborn fetuses.”
― Nicholas D. Kristof, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

“Not that there wasn't still plenty of subduing to do here in North America. "Even within our own limits, the savage still lights his death fires, to appease the wrath of an idol," he points out. What's worse, to the "north, there is an immense region of palpable darkness." (Hi, Canada!)”
― Sarah Vowell, Unfamiliar Fishes

“In America, on the ordinate plane of faith versus reason, the x-axis of faith intersects with the y-axis of reason at the zero point of "I don't give a damn what you think".”
― Sarah Vowell, Unfamiliar Fishes

“After Hymns and tears, they boarded the brig Thaddeus, a vessel so crappy, it made the Mayflower look like the QE2.”
― Sarah Vowell, Unfamiliar Fishes

“Except for the people who were there that one day they discovered the polio vaccine, being part of history is rarely a good idea. History is one war after another with a bunch of murders and natural disasters in between.”
― Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

“If there is a recurring theme in Garfield’s diaries it’s this: I’d rather be reading.”
― Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

“Take for example the commencement address he [James Garfield] delivered at his alma mater Hiram College in the summer of 1880. ... The only thing stopping this address from turning into a slacker parable is the absence of the word 'dude'.”
― Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

“As if I was never nicknamed 'Wednesday' as in 'Adams'.”
― Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

“I have this recurring nightmare in which I have to move back in with my old college roommates. I'll admit, that's what I was expecting to find at Oneida. The 19th century equivalent of sharing a house with the friend who brought home a crazy drifter to sleep on our couch - a man who claimed the local car dealership was built out of 'needles nourishing the earth'. The week before I went to Oneida, I had that claustrophobic dream again - that I had to move back in with the girl who claimed to enjoy baking and always promised tomorrow was going to be 'Muffin Day!' even though tomorrow was never Muffin Day. It was Muffin Day maybe once.”
― Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation

“Thinking about work as a day job has made a big difference in the way I approach what I do. It also helped me not to confuse who I am with what I do.”
― Bob Goff, Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World

“I was not a lovable child, and I'd grown into a deeply unlovable adult. Draw a picture of my soul, and it'd be a scribble with fangs.”
― Gillian Flynn, Dark Places

“But I make it in time for the Gospel, which in Catholic lore means that it still "counts".”
― Kerry Weber, Mercy in the City: How to Feed the Hungry, Give Drink to the Thirsty, Visit the Imprisoned, and Keep Your Day Job

“Sir, I cannot sing. I have no formal training. I do not read music. And I know this is a church - but I play a mean harmonica.”
― Matt Weber, Fearing the Stigmata: Humorously Holy Stories of a Young Catholic's Search for a Culturally Relevant Faith

“Once I get something going well, I'll risk fucking it up just for the action.”
― Ice-T, Ice: A Memoir of Gangster Life and Redemption—from South Central to Hollywood

“Who can protect themselves from betrayal? The day your brother wakes up and plans to do you dirty, there's no defense against that.”
― Ice-T, Ice: A Memoir of Gangster Life and Redemption—from South Central to Hollywood

“Being a nerd, which is to say going too far and caring too much about a subject, is the best way to make friends I know.”
― Sarah Vowell, The Partly Cloudy Patriot

“I do want to get married. It's a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos--you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life instead of just wandering into a tattoo parlor on some idle Sunday and saying, 'I feel like I should have one of these suckers by now. I'll take a thorny rose and a "MOM" anchor, please. No, not that one--the big one.”
― Sloane Crosley, I Was Told There'd Be Cake: Essays

“Hey there.' I cleared my throat. 'How are you?'
I'm engaged!'
Incidentally, this is an unacceptable answer to that question.”
― Sloane Crosley, I Was Told There'd Be Cake: Essays

“When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon and If I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash.”
― Sloane Crosley, I Was Told There'd Be Cake: Essays

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
― haruki murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

“I'm always disappointed when I see the word "Puritan" tossed around as shorthand for a bunch of generic, boring, stupid, judgmental killjoys. Because to me, they are very specific, fascinating, sometimes brilliant, judgmental killjoys who rarely agreed on anything except that Catholics are going to hell.”
― Sarah Vowell, The Wordy Shipmates

“Something critical is missing in places that care for broken and needy people if the only people there are also broken and needy.”
― Mike Yankoski