Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

This is why we live in a culture of burnout.

had an issue with setting boundaries around how much and how often she’s willing to help others and that this was contributing to her anxiety.

level of willingness to help was impossible to sustain.

My Definition of “Boundaries” Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Neglecting Self-Care We’ve all heard the analogy from airplane-safety language: “Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.” Simple, right? Nope. Neglecting self-care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.

The root of self-care is setting boundaries.

Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

how do you cope with feeling guilty when doing this to selfless parents, parents that sacrificed so much and didn’t have these ideas and thoughts to help them cope with issues?

chronically overwhelmed. This is one of the most common manifestations of boundary issues. Overwhelmed people have more to do than the time required for their tasks. They are drowning in thoughts about squeezing more into an already packed schedule.

our well-being is the price.

Resentment Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.

she’s putting down the “feelings” that are okay, calling out the feelings and then showcasing the behavior that results from it. i think i do recognition the other way around and don’t get to the root cause of what i’m feeling. i get bogged down with the behavior as feeling unable to properly ID the real feeling.

Remember the signs that you need boundaries: You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing.

You have no time for yourself.

Avoidance Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up.

Thoughts of fleeing—“I wish I could drop everything and run away”—are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate

A lack of understanding about boundaries breeds unhealthy habits.

The Meaning of Boundaries They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. They are a self-care practice. They define roles in relationships. They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships.

They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs. They are a way to communicate your needs to others. They are a way to create healthy relationships. They are a way to create clarity. They are a way to feel safe.

A boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you. It can be explicit, such as saying “I’m about to share something that I’d like you to keep between just the two of us.” Or implicit, such as having a basket for shoes and socks right by the front door for guests. As you set your own limits, it’s important to remain aware of the boundaries people are trying to communicate to you as well.

If your family operates on unspoken limits or regularly ignores limits, you will probably grow up lacking the communication skills necessary to be assertive about your needs.

inability to communicate is ultimately a family inherited struggle: whether it be around boundaries or about personal finance. i’m finding that family upbringing has significantly crippled me

Personality determines our comfort level with respecting and rejecting boundaries. People with anxious tendencies are more prone to overreact when challenged. Emotional regulation is a common issue, as these people are unable to react appropriately given the situation.

again a family issue: from how anxiety influenced communication on moms side to how dad deals with not wanting to engage in conversations by immediately deep diving into an aggressively emotional response. i’m crippled.

Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.

maybe here i can break a cycle, given how overly sensitive and attuned i’ve become to self awareness and self intorrogation… or it might just cripple me with anxiety.

getting married, going away to college, or starting a family often require new ones.

boundaries change over time with life events marking the various transitory moments of boundary shifts. again, this was never experienced for me. as the first to leave for college parents weren’t capable of processing what that meant and how relationship changed and new boundaries were created.

three levels of boundaries.

Porous Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety, and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Kim from the opening story is an example of how porous boundaries can manifest and damage well-being.

Porous boundaries look like Oversharing Codependency Enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and another person) Inability to say no People-pleasing

by who, and how do we know it’s a problem. sharing with whom?

Dependency on feedback from others Paralyzing fear of being rejected Accepting mistreatment

Rigid At the other extreme, rigid boundaries involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe. But staying safe by locking yourself in is unhealthy and leads to a whole other set of problems. Whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance. This typically comes from a fear of vulnerability or a history of being taken advantage of. People with rigid boundaries do not allow exceptions to their stringent rules even when it

would be healthy for them to do so. If a person with rigid boundaries says, “I never loan money to people,” they never stray from that, even if a friend who isn’t the type to borrow money is in a crisis. Rigid boundaries look like Never sharing Building walls Avoiding vulnerability Cutting people out Having high expectations of others Enforcing strict rules

Healthy Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication. Healthy boundaries look like Being clear about your values Listening to your own opinion Sharing with others appropriately Having a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust Being comfortable saying no Being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally

Examples of healthy boundary setting: Saying no without apologizing because it’s the healthiest choice for you at that moment Supporting people financially, when appropriate, and when you can do so without causing financial harm to yourself

Two Parts to Setting Boundaries

Whenever you identify a boundary you’d like to set, remember that there are two steps to the process: communication and action.

Common Responses to Boundaries Pushback Limit testing Ignoring Rationalizing and questioning Defensiveness Ghosting Silent treatment Acceptance

Ignoring

this might be my modus operandi, my go to boundary testing or challenging.

Defensiveness

Affan uses this one, but i also use a form of it.

Silent Treatment

mom and dad

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship You are unable to express your needs because the other person refuses to listen. The other person refuses to meet reasonable requests. There’s emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. You feel sad, angry, drained, or disappointed after most interactions. The relationship is one-sided; you give and they take. There’s a lack of trust in the relationship. The other person refuses to change some unhealthy behaviors. The other person has an addiction that is harmful to you.

Adults are confused about how to navigate interactions with their aging parents. But parents should respect the limits and needs of their children, even when they are young.

It’s okay for a small child to set limits like not eating meat or feeling uncomfortable around certain people. Parents who respect those boundaries make space for their children to feel safe and loved, and they reinforce the positive habit of articulating needs. When parents ignore these preferences, children feel lonely, neglected, and like their needs don’t matter—and they will likely struggle with boundaries as adults.

Siblings can also struggle with boundaries as they grow up. The older sibling may be used to operating in a particular manner, such as looking after younger siblings. But this role may not be needed after the younger sibling reaches a certain age.

how does this work for me: affan since he got married, i notice im hands off 80% of the time, but when asked or requested by affan i step in and am aggressively present on the issue, even following up because i feel that i was requested and given permission to be an older sibling in that caretaker role. Ammarah, im still hands on but in a request sort of way. i will ask her if she wants me to x or y, or point out that it may be convienent for me to handle it since it won’t be in convienent for me. sometimes i want to be more aggressively older sibling but i realized when she married behraam, she needed his dynamic of care more than mine. afterall she chose behraam. i did’t find this hard transition in fact i feel like internally i was preparing myself for it. i took special attention to enjoy those last several months of being a older caretaker sibling role with both of them because i sensed that it was the last time i would get to actively play that purely singular role. i knew the relationship dynamic would change, had to in fact change. so i focused to take pleasure in the last of the time i had in that role.

When you’re unable to leave work at the office, disconnect on vacation, or shut off from work at a certain hour, you ignore your own boundaries at the expense of your well-being and often the well-being of your family.

Boundary issues in dating relationships often arise when you oversell and underdeliver. This usually looks like agreeing to things in the beginning and not being able to keep up the pace as time goes on. Then, ultimately, you underdeliver on your promises.

Boundary issues also come from putting way too many unspoken expectations on the other person. When it comes to love, for some reason we all want our partner to read our minds and know everything we want without having to ask.

Being honest and up front (from the beginning, if possible) about what you expect and what you can offer will save you and your partner lots of heartache

i haven’t answered the question for myself: what can i offer?

during transitions like moving in together, getting married, and having children.

Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort,

support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.

Adults and teenagers are reporting higher levels of anxiety and depression due to a fear of missing out (FOMO) and comparison games that arise from social media consumption.

You need to determine how you will expand your boundaries to include technology in your life.