Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. Think of a time when someone said no to you. How did you react? Could you have reacted in a healthier way? Think of a time when you wanted to say no but didn’t. How could you have expressed the boundary? How do you think people in your life will respond to your boundaries? Is this based on fact or your own assumptions? What about your past makes you think this? Where are you in need of boundaries right now? List three places or relationships where you would like to set a new one.

Erica was unintentionally on strike.

At some point, she mentally said, “Screw it. How

am I supposed to be a fantastic employee and mom a...

But she noted that work offered her support and praise, while the expectations were reasonable. At home, she said her job was thankless, never-ending, and mundane. She had no tools to advocate for herself at home like she did at work. There was no support system where she could vent her frustrations. She felt like she could never meet the expectations of being a good mother that she’d previously tried to achieve.

What Can Happen When We Avoid Setting Boundaries Burnout Burnout is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure. Burnout happens when people become emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted.

it leads to chronic frustration, neglect in duties, moodiness, and avoidance.

According to Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski, the authors of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, burnout is caused by stress, which they describe as “the neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter [triggers].” Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do

Despite knowing that her busy season at work was coming up, Erica made no preparations to do less.

Not Being Appreciated for What You Do Erica’s burnout didn’t extend to work, because she received recognition for her efforts and felt valued there. This gave her the incentive to be great at her job. At home, however, Erica didn’t receive any praise for her efforts. Suggested Boundary Tell people what you need. Erica has become aware that she needs positive feedback and affirmation. Communicating this need to her family could give her the push she needs.

mom suffered from this, still does. and i think i’ve inherited this feeling as well. in my mind is two parts 1) i shouldn’t have to ask for appreciation and 2) what i do isn’t something worthy of appreciation. also what is appreciation if not a hollow performative action… see the judgement there

Things That Lead to Burnout Listening to people complain about the same things over and over Doing your best with little appreciation for your work

Dispensing your advice to people who don’t value your feedback Engaging in dialogue with people who take an emotional toll on you Doing things that don’t make you happy Lacking balance (harmony) in your roles and duties Setting high expectations at work, at home, or in relationships Having a continual urge to control situations outside of your control

Mental Health and Boundaries Mental health issues are not the cause of an inability to say no, be assertive, and advocate for ourselves. But this inability can certainly be exacerbated by mental health problems. For example, ruminating, which is replaying thoughts over and over in our heads, is a behavior that comes with some diagnoses. Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act. Boundary issues are more pronounced with the following mental health problems.

holy dog poop! i ruminate like crazy!!

First, let’s take a closer look at anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive. When people come to me with anxiety, we begin to dissect the different aspects of their lives and to work on ways to minimize the triggers that cause them to become anxious. Based on my experience with clients, the biggest trigger for anxiety is the inability to say no.

We may agree to do something that we don’t have time to do or that we don’t really know how to do.

that last part - don’t know how to do!!

Unrealistic expectations of yourself and others can also trigger anxiety. Sometimes, expectations arise as a result of comparing yourself with others, or your expectations may come from family or cultural norms or your friends. If you deal with frequent anxiety, it’s important to become aware of what is a reasonable expectation and what isn’t. To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

For people with chronic anxiety, the most challenging part of this process is the fear of what others might think. In an anxious state, people create scenarios that lead to adverse outcomes if they try to set a boundary. “If I say no, they’ll say I’m being selfish and abandon me,” for example.

Affirmations for people who struggle with anxiety: “I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.”

Depression When I treat depression, I’m treating hopelessness. My work with depressed clients involves empowering them to believe in themselves. When they’re able to do that, their lives get better. One of the ways I instill hope is by helping them set simple boundaries. They come up with something small and request that another person adhere to that little request. We start with baby steps.

you experience depression, it can be helpful to set boundaries about how many things you expect yourself to do in a single day. If you add too much to your to-do list but lack the motivation, you’ll set yourself up for failure. Depression will increase if you take on too much without finishing any of the tasks you started. Instead, highlight the small wins, such as showering over the weekend, going to the gym, or going out with friends. Affirmations for people who struggle with depression:

“Little by little, I can keep small promises to myself.” “Small wins are big wins.” “Doing one thing is better than doing nothing at all.”

Boundaries are not unspoken rules.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage. They operate mostly based on the assumption that something “magical” will happen to turn it all around.

In fact, most people without healthy limits think that engaging in self-care is selfish, so it feels terrible when they try to do it. They believe that their self-care is at the expense of being there for another person. Self-care brings up feelings of guilt, because they feel like others will fall apart without their help.

“I need you to ____,”

When you say yes but want to say no, you feel something “off” in your body. When you allow people to take advantage of you, you feel something in your body that isn’t right. When you give to others begrudgingly, you feel it in your body. So if you learn to pay attention to your body, it will tell you when it’s time to set boundaries—in the sigh before you answer your phone, the desire to avoid certain people, or your hesitance to say yes. You might also feel a tightness in your belly, an ache in your shoulder, or a pain in your neck or temple. As you become more aware of your personal signs, you’ll discover how often you put your own needs aside to please or take care of others.

The emotions that people most commonly feel when they don’t set boundaries are resentment, anger, and frustration. Here are a few common causes of these emotions in relationships: Feeling unheard Setting a boundary but not gaining the result you desired Committing to things you don’t want to do Feeling used Avoiding setting boundaries

Here’s the definition of “gossip”: Talking about people in a judgmental manner with the intent to cause harm Making statements behind the back of the person being discussed

Instead of setting a direct boundary, we often use gossip as a way of processing our frustrations.

The “What’s on Your Plate?” exercise is a constructive way to identify what you already have on your plate before committing to more.

On a separate sheet of paper, write down all of the duties, activities, and responsibilities attached to your various roles in life. Use the key below, and put a symbol next to each item. (Some may require more than one symbol.)

Enjoy More time Most time Energizes For You

For Others

After you’ve completed the activity, ask yourself: Are you surprised by anything on your list? What’s missing from your list? What do you have to eliminate to spend more time on the things you enjoy?

Among his peers, Justin was considered “mature” for his age. They saw him as wise, so they quickly opened up to him.

As he constantly gave to others, Justin never asked for help for himself. He was self-sufficient and self-reliant, and feeling helpless made him uncomfortable. Even when a girlfriend tried to do something nice for him, he didn’t like it. He hoped to get married and have children. But maintaining attachments with anyone other than his existing family and friends was a challenge.

this sounds too much like me.

Emotional neglect happens when you don’t receive sufficient emotional support from a parent or caregiver. They may not understand a child’s needs, or they may devalue the need to nurture a child’s emotional well-being. People who are emotionally neglected are often confused about what they experienced. There’s a difference between emotional abuse and emotional neglect, however. Emotional neglect is unintentional, while emotional abuse is more deliberate. People who experienced emotional neglect tend to have issues developing healthy attachments to others, whether their attachment is anxious or avoidant.

What’s Keeping Us from Having Healthy Boundaries? It’s your responsibility to tell people how burdened you are in your relationships.

“It’s Them, Not Me” For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries. But when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate.

common misconception about boundaries is that they always mean saying no. But we can set boundaries in many ways; saying no is just one of them.

signs that we might need to set a boundary. The most significant symptom is discomfort, which manifests itself as anger, resentment, frustration, and burnout. When we feel any of these, we likely need to set a boundary. We tolerate unhealthy boundaries because we don’t understand our feelings, and we fail to notice the discomfort. We see that something is “off,” but we’re unaware of what is causing the discomfort. The film What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? is a great example of this. Gilbert (played by Johnny Depp) is a parentified teenager who cares for his younger siblings, one of whom is autistic (Arnie, played by Leonardo DiCaprio). Gilbert also cares for his mother, who is obese and housebound. Her weight gain began after her husband committed suicide. Gilbert struggles to have a social life outside of his family because he has unhealthy boundaries. Two of his siblings manage to build their own lives—one becomes the manager of a bakery, and the other goes away to college. But when Gilbert starts a romance with a girl visiting his town, nothing comes of it because he doesn’t create any boundaries with his family. While Gilbert is aware something is off, he isn’t aware that healthier limits could help him start a life outside of the one he’s known.

“What if they get mad at me?” “What if they want nothing to do with me?” “What if I lose a friend/family member?” “What if I say the wrong thing?” “Is setting a boundary petty?” “What if I’m called selfish?” “I don’t think anyone will listen to me.” Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen. We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior. Our biggest fear is that we’ll lose people, so we tolerate boundary issues to maintain our relationships.

when we think about boundaries in the family, we think about rules set by our parents. Boundaries are not necessarily rules, however. Limits that parents have with children are expectations, preferences, and sometimes rules. Parents and caregivers typically feel comfortable communicating their expectations to children. But children often feel they don’t have a right to set boundaries for themselves.

i have to be honest, i want allowed to set boundaries. when i tried they were ignored, challenged, or angerily demolished. i was guilted into the behavior accepted by my parents and molded to fit or suit their needs predominately over mine.

When a child sets a boundary such as not wanting to eat a particular type of food, how does the parent respond? Offer other options (possibly along with the food the child didn’t want). Insist that the child eat what they said they didn’t like. Punish the child by not allowing them to eat anything. Here’s an idea of what the child understands about their ability to set boundaries: Option 1: “I hear you. I want you to eat something, so I will honor your request by presenting other options.” Option 2: “Your boundaries are not important to me, and I know what’s best for you.” Option 3: “You will be punished for having preferences. Do what I say.” When a child sets a boundary such as “I don’t want to hug your friend,” how does the parent respond? Allow the child to be self-selective about whom they feel comfortable showing affection to. Push the child to hug the friend. Shame or threaten the child by saying “It’s not nice to tell people no when they ask you for a hug,” or “If you don’t hug them, you’ll get a spanking.” Here’s an idea of what the child understands about their ability to set boundaries:

Option 1: “I hear you. If you feel uncomfortable showing someone affection, I will respect your preference.” Option 2: “Your boundaries are not important to me, and I know what’s best for you.” Option 3: “You will be punished for having preferences. Don’t embarrass your parents. Other people’s feelings are more important than your own.” To raise healthy children, it’s essential to allow them to have healthy boundaries. This can happen when we allow them to have a preference as to what they eat, what they wear, who they like, how they feel, and who they allow in their physical space.

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. —James Baldwin

teach kids unhealthy boundaries.

When I ask them, “Did you see your mother caring for herself?” they inevitably answer no.

Children learn whether it’s okay to say no from their parents. Learning is either direct or indirect. Firsthand, children see how their parents respond to being told no, either by siblings, other family members, or outside adults. The parents’ response to being told no informs the child about whether it’s okay to say no. If children receive the message “I cannot say no,” then they will struggle with saying it. This message doesn’t have to be verbalized explicitly,