More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
August 28 - September 8, 2023
The experience of trauma shifts our brain and body into survival mode. This is one way in which unhealthy boundaries become a tool for survival. If we believe our survival hinges on our relationships, it will be exceedingly hard to set boundaries in those relationships. If we feel that we have no other options or way to get out of a particular situation, setting limits may not seem like a reasonable course of action.
When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation.
Emotional Neglect This is the absence of “enough” emotional attention. Emotionally neglectful loved ones can be well-meaning, so victims of neglect tend to sympathize with the neglectful person. It may seem ironic, but emotional neglect can sometimes be a result of too much closeness. Enmeshment prevents us from establishing a sense of individuality. It leads us to believe that we are responsible for how others feel, so we protect and shield them from what we perceive as undesirable outcomes. But meeting the emotional needs of a parent is not a job for a child.
To be a confidant for your parent. To take care of your siblings.
To keep the peace within a chaotic home.
To figure things out without emotional support.
Kids’ boundaries are violated when kids are placed into adult roles—even when these roles happen as a result of necessity.
tasked with managing their needs.
When someone neglects us, it’s hard for us to believe that they would be willing or able to accept our requests.
You get your value from helping others.
You have no clue where to start.
You believe that you can’t have boundaries in certain type...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
In every relationship, you can set boundaries. It’s a matter of how you set them.
hard doesn’t equal impossible. The hardest thing can be overcoming your belief that the process is complicated.
Three things prolong uncomfortable feelings: Minimizing: This is the result of denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning. For example: “I was stood up for a date, but it doesn’t matter because I had other things to do anyway.” Ignoring: You act as though your emotions don’t exist. Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.
Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise.
How were boundaries taught in your family? Did your parents/caregivers honor your boundaries? If so, in what ways? How were your boundaries dishonored? When did you realize that setting them was an issue for you? What’s your biggest challenge with setting them?
It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards, for your life and the people you allow in it. —Mandy Hale
the six areas of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time.
Examples of Physical Boundary Violations Physical abuse Forcing hugs, kisses, or handshakes Standing too close Holding someone’s hand in public when they’ve made it clear they’re uncomfortable with public displays of affection Touching someone on their body in a way they deem inappropriate Reading someone’s journal or another form of invasion of privacy
spoken to be understood, many sexual ones are unspoken because they are the rules of society. These include rape, assault, and molestation. Examples of Sexual Boundary Violations Sexual abuse, assault, or molestation Comments about someone’s sexual appearance Touching in a sexually suggestive manner Sexual innuendos Sexual jokes
Intellectual Boundaries Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts and ideas. You’re free to have an opinion about anything you want. And when you express your opinion, your words shouldn’t be dismissed, belittled, or ridiculed. However, staying mindful of what topics are appropriate versus inappropriate in a specific situation is another way of respecting intellectual boundaries.
Examples of Intellectual Boundary Violations Calling someone names for their beliefs or opinions Yelling during disagreements Ridiculing someone for their views and thoughts Dismissing someone because of disagreements Demeaning a child’s mother/father in front of a child Telling children about problems they aren’t emotionally capable of handling
Emotional Boundaries When you share your feelings, it’s reasonable to expect others to support you. For some of us, however, expressing emotions isn’t easy. So when someone belittles your emotions or invalidates your feelings, they are violating your emotional boundaries. This can make you feel uncomfortable the next time you want to express your emotions.
With healthy emotional boundaries, you express your feelings and personal information to others gradually, not all at once. This also means you share only when it’s appropriate, and you choose your confidants carefully. In an Instagram poll, I asked, “Have you ever shared a friend’s secret with someone else?” Seventy-two percent said, “Yes, I’ve shared a secret.” I received several DMs explaining why the secrets were shared. Here are a few reasons: The secret was too burdensome. There was a safety concern. “I can’t keep a secret.” “I tell my partner everything.”
Examples of Emotional Boundary Violations Sharing too much too soon (oversharing) Sharing inappropriate emotional information with children Emotional dumping/excessive venting Pushing someone to share information they aren’t comfortable sharing Invalidating someone’s feelings Telling people how to feel, such as “You shouldn’t be sad about that” Minimizing the impact of something, such as “That wasn’t a big deal” Pushing people to move past complicated feelings swiftly Gossiping about the personal details of another person’s life
Here are a few ways to honor your emotional boundaries: Ask people if they want you to just listen, or if they’re looking for feedback. This will help you determine whether or not to offer suggestions. Share only with people you trust who can indeed hold space for your emotions.
Material Boundaries Material boundaries have to do with your possessions. Your stuff is your stuff. If you decide to share your stuff, it’s your choice. You also have the right to determine how others treat your possessions. If you loan a friend a tool in good condition, it’s appropriate to expect the tool to be returned in the same shape. When people give you something back in worse condition, they’ve violated your material boundaries. Examples of Material Boundary Violations Using things longer than the agreed-on time frame Never returning a borrowed item
Loaning borrowed items to others without permission Damaging a possession and refusing to pay for it Returning possessions in poor condition
Time Boundaries In my experience, of the six areas listed, time is the boundary area that people tend to struggle with the most. Time boundaries consist of how you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, how you deal with favor requests, and how you structure your free time. People with these issues struggle with work-life balance, self-care, and prioritizing their needs. Giving up your time to others is one significant way that you might violate your time boundaries. If you don’t have time for something that you want to do, you don’t have healthy boundaries with time.
...more
Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. When boundaries are violated, it’s critical to have a conversation about what happened and how you felt about it. Because we can’t control others, we must focus on what we will say or what actions we can take if the violation is repeated. Below you will find examples of each type of boundary. Read the scenario and consider what you would do or say for each. Physical boundary example: Your coworker enters your cubicle while you’re busy completing a task. When you don’t respond, your coworker persists by
...more
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Boundary violations fall into two categories: Little “b”: Micro boundary violations are small violations that often occur in everyday encounters, as opposed to long-term relationships. With micro boundary violations, we aren’t usually as emotionally affected. The violation doesn’t spill over into the rest of our day, because we don’t view the encounter as significant. Micro boundary violations can become more significant over time, however, if the violations are repeated and persistent.
Big “B”: Macro boundary violations are big violations that erode the fabric of our relationships with others. These are long-standing and persistent. The frequency of the violations can even change the structure of the relationship.
Microaggression Examples Racism (Judging People Negatively or in a Derogatory Manner Based on Race)
Body Shaming
Racial Bias (Assumptions Based on Race)
Gender Bias
Microaggressions are considered harmless by the deliverer. However, microaggressions are harmful expressions of a more in-depth belief system. Though seemingly small, they have a huge impact.
Oversharing Examples Inappropriate Context
Someone Else’s Information
In-Depth Personal Information
Oversharers are usually clueless about how they are impacting others and violating boundaries. In an attempt to connect and build closeness, they give too much information. The oversharer often ignores the nonverbal cues from others that the conversation has gone too far.
like “I don’t feel equipped to help with this situation.
When someone intentionally tries to make you feel bad, they are guilt-tripping you. Guilt-tripping is a manipulative strategy that people use to persuade you to do what they want. They hope you’ll feel bad, comply, or agree to something, even though you might not have done what they’ve accused you of doing.
Guilt Trip Examples Ending Toxic Relationships
Lacking Interest in Relationships with Certain People
Being Particular About What You Like
Not Pleasing Others
Saying No Without Giving an Explanation
Enmeshment In enmeshed relationships, individualization is not acceptable. Neither are boundaries. These relationships thrive on each person
