Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Sharon Martin, LCSW, defines enmeshment as “family relationships with weak boundaries, lack of emotional separation, and intrusive demands for support or attention that prevent family members from developing a strong and independent sense of self.” Family relationships, dating relationships, and relationships at work can all suffer from enmeshment.

Codependency In codependent relationships, we believe we must help people avoid consequences, saving them from unpleasant experiences. We think it’s our role to protect them. But rather than protect, we enable the other person to continue their unhealthy behavior. We see the person we’re enabling as helpless and unable to take care of themselves without us. The term “codependent” has been around for decades and is often used when describing dysfunctional family dynamics, especially when addiction is involved. But codependency pertains to any relationship where people become emotionally entangled with the feelings and outcomes of others. In codependent relationships, it’s challenging to separate what we feel from what others think and feel. Codependency is well-meaning, but we suffer because our own needs are often unmet or unnoticed. In fact, as codependents, we have a hard time distinguishing our needs from the needs of the other person.

Enabling is a significant part of a codependent relationship. It involves supporting the unhealthy behaviors of someone through action or inaction. Codependency usually happens

Trauma Bonding Trauma bonding happens as a result of emotional and intellectual boundary violations. Over time, a person is manipulated into believing that in some way they deserve what’s happening to them. They think what’s done to them is by accident or not intended to harm.

Counterdependency Counterdependency happens when we develop rigid boundaries to keep people at an emotional distance. Attachments to others are impaired with counterdependency, as you are trying to avoid connection, even when a relationship is healthy.

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise.

How do you think your life will be different once you’ve established healthy boundaries? In what relationships have you established healthy boundaries? What are some specific actions you can take to improve your boundaries?

Ways to Unsuccessfully Communicate a Boundary Passive When someone is passive, they think something like this: “I’m uncomfortable sharing my needs. Therefore, I will keep them to myself.” Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable.

Aggressive When someone is aggressive, they might say or imply the following: “I need you to see how you make me feel.” Aggressive communication is attacking another person with harsh, pushy, or demanding words and behaviors, instead of stating what we want.

More examples of aggressiveness: Demeaning others to make your point Using yelling, name-calling, and cursing as tactics to convey your opinion Using the past to shame people Being loud and wrong (making up “facts” to pretend to be right) Confronting people to pick a fight Using cynical humor to ridicule, such as “You’re fat! You know I’m just joking; stop being so sensitive.”

Passive-Aggressive When someone is passive-aggressive, they think something like this: “I will act out how I feel, but I’ll deny how I feel.” Sometimes

More examples of passive-aggressiveness: Appearing upset but refusing to admit it Making verbal attacks not related to the current situation Being moody for no known reason (often) Bringing up issues from the past Engaging in problem-focused complaining Gossiping about things you could fix but have no intention of addressing

Manipulation When someone uses manipulation, they do or say things they hope will cause the other person to feel guilty and do what the manipulator wants: “I will indirectly convince you to do what I want.”

More examples of manipulation: Making an issue you have with them seem like an issue with you (gaslighting) Asking for help at the last minute and informing you that they have no other options Telling a story that’s intended to evoke pity Leaving out critical parts of the story to persuade you to support them

Withholding affection to get you to feel bad or change your behavior Using your relationship with them as a reason that you “should” do certain things; for example, “wives should cook,” or “you should see your mother every day.”

Assertiveness Is the Way When someone is assertive, they will think something like this: “I know what my needs are, and I will communicate them to you.”

More examples of assertiveness: Saying no to anything you don’t want to do Telling people how you feel as a result of their behavior Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences Responding in the moment Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issues with Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out

In New Relationships Mention what you want casually in conversations as you’re getting to know people. Have an open discussion about why having your needs met is important to you. Be clear about your expectations.

The first time someone violates your boundaries, let them know that a violation occurred. Restate your needs.

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. Think of a boundary you need to establish with someone. Write down your boundary using an “I” statement: I want, I need, I would like, or I expect. Do not write the word “because” anywhere in your sentence. Don’t explain yourself, and don’t apologize. It’s okay to start small. Pick the boundary you’ll feel most comfortable sharing. How do you want to share your boundary with the other person? In person, via text, or by email? Do what feels the most comfortable and appropriate.

Go back to #1. Is your statement assertive? If so, proceed. If not, reconsider how to state your expectation. Decide when you want to share your boundary—now or the next time it’s violated. Again, do what makes you feel most comfortable. Tend to your discomfort after sharing your boundary. Immediately ground yourself by engaging in a self-care practice. For example, you could meditate, write in your journal, or go for a walk.

Statement “I don’t want you to share my personal business with others. If you do, I’ll stop telling

mom does this all the time.

Action You stop sharing with the person who violates your request for privacy.

i did that.

Telling People to Stop In 90 percent of the Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham, Sam is asked to try green eggs and ham. In a roundabout way, he says he isn’t interested, by saying things like, “I do not like them there; I do not like them anywhere.” In this sixty-two-page book, Sam never says, “Stop asking me.” Page after page, he’s annoyed about eating something that he has clearly stated he doesn’t like. When I read this book to my three-year-old, I immediately thought, “Why doesn’t he just shut this down by saying ‘stop’?” And guess what, around page 56, Sam agrees to eat the green eggs and ham, and he enjoys it.

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. Draw two vertical lines to make three columns. In column one, write a boundary you’d like to implement. It’s okay to use one from the last exercise. In column two, write two actions to help you implement and follow up on your boundary. In column three, name a consequence that you can implement if your boundary isn’t honored. Use this action plan as your mental guide when executing and following through on your boundaries.

So three years ago, she just stopped dating altogether. Amber believed, “I think I’m the sort of person who needs to be alone.” She created her aloneness by establishing distance, ghosting people, and simply not being open to relationships.

sort of the same conclusion but for a different journey to that conclusion.

Boundaries and Trauma Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries. Trauma in childhood includes

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) survey was created to measure the impact of childhood trauma. The ACE measures trauma in the areas of abuse, neglect, and childhood dysfunction. The ACE accounts for the following areas: Abuse: physical, sexual, emotional Neglect: physical, emotional Household dysfunction: mental illness, incarcerated relative, substance abuse, mother treated violently, divorce (it’s also traumatic to move multiple times)

According to Claudia Black, a renowned addiction author, speaker, and trainer, there are three types of common boundary violations that often occur when trauma is experienced. Below are a few examples of each type. Physical Inappropriate touch Withholding affection Not being taught how to care for your body Denying a person privacy Not providing proper clothing Hitting, pushing, pinching, shoving Reading private journals or going through belongings Sexual Sexual jokes or innuendos Exposure to adult materials such as magazines or sexual videos Demeaning due to one’s gender (male/female) or sexual orientation Not being given the proper information about your developing body Forceable or coercive sexual acts Any type of sexual abuse Dismissing someone’s request to not engage in sexual acts Not respecting someone’s desire to use protection Emotional Having your feelings minimized Constantly being yelled at Being told what to feel and how to think Being told that your feelings are not okay Not showing someone how to care for themselves Being made to handle conflicts between parents Not being given appropriate expectations Gaslighting (blaming someone for something that wasn’t their fault) Discouraged from having an opinion Being taunted Directly being told that “your feelings don’t matter” or “you’re not enough” Common Issues Experienced by Adults Who’ve Experienced Abuse or Neglect Wanting to help everyone, even without the means to do so Working nonstop (equating busyness wit...

There are two unhealthy attachment styles that affect boundaries in relationships:

Anxious Attachment Constantly seeking validation Engaging in self-sabotaging behavior Continually threatening to leave the relationship Frequently arguing about how committed the other person is to the relationship Breaking up often over trivial issues Persistently questioning actions and intent, as they are seen as a threat Having a paralyzing fear that the relationship will end Desiring to be close but pushing people away Demonstrating needy, attention-seeking behaviors Feeling discomfort with being alone Avoidant Attachment Continually looking for reasons to justify that the relationship isn’t working Hyperfocusing on the negative aspects of the relationship Being consumed with thoughts of getting out of the relationship Having difficulty with self-disclosure Constantly worrying about loss of autonomy Thinking “No one is good enough” Often feeling like a regular connection is “too clingy” An unhealthy attachment style uses mostly rigid boundaries. People with anxious attachments, on the other hand, tend to have porous ones. Secure attachment is marked by healthy boundaries. Secure Attachment Is able to be away from a partner comfortably Regulates emotions during disputes Has a healthy sense of self Is comfortable sharing feelings Allows others to express feelings without overreacting

As a result of emotional neglect in childhood, a person might develop counterdependence, which is characterized as follows: Counterdependence Difficulty being vulnerable with others Unwilling to ask for help Preference for doing things without help Discomfort with being attached to others Purposeful, emotional distance Persistent feelings of loneliness Inability to identify and acknowledge feelings

While there’s a desire for relationships, genuinely committing to someone else feels dangerous. Therefore,

they use rigid boundaries such as keeping people away or “always” saying no in order to feel safe.

SELF-CARE

Taking care of yourself looks like Setting manageable expectations around caring and being present for others Maintaining your mental health Operating in your role as child instead of parent to your parents Operating in your role as sibling instead of parent to your siblings Asking for what you need Spending holidays doing things that you enjoy Giving people the space to care for themselves Checking in less often with people who drain your energy Figuring out who you are separately from what you were made to believe about yourself Not using your past as a reason to avoid proceeding with life Talking about your feelings Allowing yourself to feel pleasure Sharing the truth of your past without sugarcoating your experience Being gentle with yourself Teaching yourself things that you weren’t taught in childhood Learning to enjoy your body How to Work Through These Issues and Understand Them in Others Change is possible at any time, no matter what you’ve experienced in life. If you notice that your boundaries are rigid, consider ways that you can create healthier ones. For example, it’s possible to change an attachment style when you’re aware and ready to do the work of shifting parts of who you are. If you avoid commitment in relationships, consider the benefits of a committed relationship. Instead of continuing in a way that has felt comfortable in the past because of your trauma, decide to do something different. Start by sharing more information. Ask others for help with th...

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. In what ways has your trauma impacted your ability to set boundaries? What words can you use to reassure yourself that it’s okay to implement the limits and expectations that you need in order to feel safe?

It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are. —James Clear

Far too many Americans live without savings, emergency funds, or retirement funds. When they experience a small financial setback, everything can fall apart. It’s a boundary issue because we lack the willingness to tell ourselves no to whatever we want. But it’s dangerous to say yes to every urge without limits. This doesn’t happen because we want to damage ourselves, but because we lack healthy self-boundaries.

Here is a list of some areas where self-boundaries are helpful: Your finances Your time management Your self-care The treatment you allow from others Your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you) Your reactions The people you allow in your life

Time Management A lack of self-discipline is symbolic of the lack of self-boundaries.

manage your distractions, plan wisely, and cut back on things that are a waste of time. Simply put, your boundaries around how you manage your time are the solution to your time-management

Self-Care Self-care is how you nurture and restore your mind, body, and spirit. The key word here is “self,” so making time to care for yourself is entirely up to you. Don’t confuse self-care, however, with treating yourself to lavish gifts and pampering yourself. In some instances you may choose for that to be a part of your regimen, but real acts of self-care have little to do with spending money. Instead, they’re about showing up for yourself by setting boundaries.

i came into contact with “self-care” concept when i attended Union and speaking about my burnout and crash from CAIR coupled with Whittier Law i couldn’t figure out how to function. the two gifts from MLI at Union were the idea of self care and the Julia Cameron book The Artists Way. and this was after Occupy movement but before the Black Lives Matter summers of unrest that came in 2018, but i think BLM started in 2013 after Trayvon Martin was murdered. MLI happened in 2015 for me. So self care was already being introduced into the social consciousness and i didn’t run into it until MLI the summer of 2015. It was before I went to Pakistan but after my trip to Central America.

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself.

turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I exper...

Thoughts Yes, just like you might stop someone else from talking to you a certain way, you can stop talking to yourself in a certain way. What are your standards for how you speak to yourself—self-talk and inner dialogue—as well as how you talk about yourself in the presence of others? It may seem corny, but giving yourself a pep talk can be beneficial. Mantras for Self-Kindness “It will be okay.” “I did my best.” “They didn’t deserve me.”

Boundaries to Consider I speak to myself as gently as I would talk to a small child. I coach myself through awkward moments. I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly. I don’t call myself names. I don’t make mean comments about myself either in my mind or out loud in front of others.

Reactions Make a promise to yourself to set boundaries with regard to how you respond to situations. I know this may seem difficult, since things can happen unexpectedly or people can piss you off in the moment. But just because you feel angry doesn’t mean you have to yell.

Recognize that saying no to others is saying yes to yourself.

Consider this: When you engage in activities that you don’t enjoy, you are taking time away from yourself. When you get distracted with other people’s stuff, you take time away from yourself. When you spend time that you don’t have to spare, you take time away from your goals.