Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Saying yes to yourself may look like Foregoing an extra hour of television when you know you need to get up early Staying hydrated Saying no to invitations you don’t wish to honor Adhering to a monthly budget Taking regular breaks and not working yourself to the bone Going on affordable vacations Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad Setting a “do not disturb” on your phone after 8:00 p.m. Taking care of your physical health by going to the doctor and taking medication as prescribed Taking care of your mental health by going to therapy Resting when your body needs it Reading for pleasure, not with the intent to learn or grow a new skill Finding healthy ways to manage your emotions Maintaining good financial habits like paying bills on time and not racking up debt from buying things you don’t need or things that can wait until you can truly afford them

Keeping Your Word to Yourself Setting limits with yourself is a conscious act that will make your life easier. Rules seem restrictive, but when you create them, you can include nuance. Therefore, having boundaries with yourself is not a restriction. Instead, they help you achieve your goal, build healthy relationships, and live according to your values. When you don’t keep your word to yourself, you are engaging in self-sabotage, self-betrayal, or people-pleasing. Self-sabotage Procrastinating Getting close to a goal and quitting Staying in relationships that are unhealthy Not keeping your word to yourself Setting unrealistic goals Not trying Carrying a negative narrative (story) about yourself and your abilities

Self-sabotage is just one way that we dishonor our boundaries with ourselves. It involves engaging in unhealthy behaviors that keep us from what we say we want. Self-sabotage first starts in the way we talk to ourselves.

Confidence in your boundaries is the cure for self-sabotage. Self-betrayal Changing who you are and what you believe in order to stay in relationships with others Pretending to be someone other than who you really are Comparing yourself with others (friends, family, strangers on the internet, a past version of yourself) Failing to consistently maintain your values Making negative statements about yourself to others or in your head

With self-betrayal, we dishonor ourselves by failing to live according to our values or failing to show up as an authentic human being. Guilt then sets in, because we know deep down that we’re acting inauthentically. In healthy relationships, it’s acceptable for you to be yourself.

It’s okay to create boundaries about what you share with others. For example, you don’t have to share any of the following: Why you aren’t married yet Your relationship status When you’re having a baby If you already have kids, when you’re having more kids What’s next in your life How you spend your time How much money you make How you spend your money Your lifestyle Your weight (loss or gain) Insert your own example here: ____________ Insert another one here:

If you don’t want to answer a question, consider doing this: Respond with a question: “That’s an interesting question; what prompted you to ask me that?” Turn the question back on them: “Do you want more kids?” Change the topic by glossing over the question: “Money is always such an interesting topic. What are you watching on Netflix?” Be direct: “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question.” Make your boundaries clear: “I don’t like it when people talk to me about weight.”

The Power of Refreshing and Restating Your Boundaries Refreshing As humans, we change, and our boundaries change with us. It’s okay if your tolerance for certain things in your relationship changes. You can create new expectations. When this happens, you can say, “____ is no longer working for me; I would like ____.” You can also ease up on the boundaries you previously set. For example, if you decide you won’t stay at work past 6:00 p.m., you can stay longer on occasion if you wish. Consider this: What has prompted me to shift my boundaries? Is this a temporary or permanent shift? How will shifting my boundary impact my goals for myself? Will changing my boundary continue to honor who I am in my relationships?

You can’t change people, but you can change How you deal with them What you accept How you react to them How often you interact with them How much space you allow them to take up What you participate in What role they play in your life What people you have contact with Who you allow in your life Your perspective

The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this. —James Clear, Atomic Habits

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. What type of person do you want to be? Become who you want to be, and introduce that version of yourself to the rest of the world. Create a list of boundaries you’d like to implement for yourself. For example, “Save more money.” Next to each one, identify one actionable step to help you uphold your boundary. Example: “Start a savings account, and add $30 per month to it.”

The couple created boundaries around what topics they’d like to keep between themselves, when they’d like to share certain information with others, and how they would talk about their marriage to other people.

this is good. and the issue is trust, have to trust that partner won’t share but then what is and isn’t, that gets complicated if you’re not on the same page about the topics or things that get shared outside of the marriage that are marriage relationship topics/concerns.

After a few slip-ups, he started to prepare himself for his mother’s tactics. Over time, he became firm in his expectations. While James was learning to implement boundaries consistently, I worked with Tiffany on using motivating language to support her husband as he shifted his relationship with his mother. He struggled with establishing himself as an adult with Debra. She had drilled into him that she knew best and wanted the best for him, and he feared that setting boundaries would push her away. He hadn’t considered that he could set them with his mother

holy moly i experienced this with mom recently. she wanted to know stuff about behraam and ammarah and i kept saying ask them, ask ammarah. ask behraam and then finally, i told mom that i didn’t think it was my business to say anything on the topic and that i believed if i weren’t living with them i wouldn’t consider it my business to ask this either. therefore, i told mom, i don’t think it’s really her business either. she countered with i just want to make sure everything is okay and that things are good then she brought up how i was living there and that wasn’t appropriate… and i just laid it out: ask behraam, if he’s okay then i’m okay for living there until i can get my act together and figure out what to do. Behraam can engage with his parents accordingly, and if it becomes an issue i will know since i ask regularly. i also give them their space, i encourage them to go do things without me on their own and to plan things and to kick me out when they want to. as for the other stuff, agari i told mom to ask them but that my advice is that it’s not our business, they are happy with the setup they have if and when they need help or advice or want to share, they can choose to do that and it’s not our place to meddle. you and me may like to do things differently or want stuff in certain ways that doesn’t mean everybody should be that way too. it was so hard. yes i wasn’t prepared, and i felt pressured but i also just felt like i was in the right and mom even out of sincerity and love wasn’t doing the right thing. so i stood my ground.

You Become an Adult When You Set Boundaries with Your Parents Adult children are adults over the age of eighteen. Even if you live with your parents after that, you’re legally an adult, and their access to your life shifts. You

i wish this was explained to me. i think i’d been waiting for a magic moment. then maybe was waiting for an event. i was so milestone driven in understanding the transition from child to adult that i lived as someone else for so long. and it was harder to allow myself to set boundaries to step into adulthood.

An essential part of becoming an adult is becoming your own guide. As you feel more comfortable being an adult, you start to lean further away from being ruled by your parents. In some cases, your parents might suggest that setting boundaries is disrespectful. But it isn’t disrespectful when done with care. If you’re afraid of disrespecting your parents, you might feel better sharing why the boundary is important to you. How do you stand up to the most influential force in your life? How do you change your relationship from that of a child to that of an adult child? For your entire life, your parents have been acquainted with you inside and out. They know what to say to trigger you and get what they want. You may understand what your parents desire merely by reading their body language or noticing a shift in their mood.

Signs That You Need Boundaries with Your Parents Your parents are aware of intimate details of your relationship (particularly if they’re causing harm in the relationship). Your parents are involved with disputes you have with others. Your parents don’t respect your opinion. Your parents enter your personal space without asking. Your parents insist that you say yes to everything. You say yes to your parents out of obligation even when it’s inconvenient.

Boundaries with your parents look like Expressing your feelings openly Managing your time in a way that works best for your schedule and lifestyle Not pressing yourself to attend every family event Giving them rules about your home Not allowing them to show up at your home unannounced Withholding intimate details of your relationship Not painting your partner in a negative light to your parents Saying no Introducing your partner to your parents when you’re ready Handling your own disputes with others Sharing your opinion with your parents Being transparent with your parents about your expectations of how they can engage with your partner Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of specific behavior from you Telling your parents that you don’t want to be asked about your dating life, having kids, getting married, or any other topic that makes you feel uncomfortable Staying in a hotel instead of staying with family when you visit them

“Before you stop by to visit, I’d like you to call.”

this is really insane because i grew up and i saw when i travelled just how culturally acceptable it was to show up unannounced at people’s (relatives usually) homes and be welcomed each time. but there is an islamic etiquete to this and i wonder if culturally we follow it?

Important Reminders It’s normal and healthy for you to have boundaries in your relationships with people. (Remember that your parents are people.) Share your boundaries as soon as you notice that you need them. Doing so will prevent unwanted reactions that may occur after you’ve let things go on for too long. Setting them with your parents is new for them and for you. If there is resistance, they’re likely just adjusting to this new phase in your relationship. Be clear and consistent when you execute your boundaries. It’s true that you will always be your parents’ child. However, you evolve into an adult with your own way of existing in the world.

Allowing personal distance

Attending family events because you want to, not because you’re pressured

Identifying what you want in your relationships with family Creating an experience that may be different from the family norm

Important Reminders You may be the first in your family to set boundaries; remember that doing something different may elicit an unwelcome response. Setting boundaries will shift how other people see you.

Boundaries with your children look like Setting an age-appropriate bedtime for small kids Ensuring they have healthy food options available Discussing feelings and emotions in an age-appropriate manner Not using a child as a confidant Not expecting kids to be the caregiver for younger children in the home Teaching kids to take care of themselves in an age-appropriate manner Exposing kids to age-suitable entertainment Monitoring online and social media usage

Important Reminders Even when kids seem mature for their age, it’s essential to allow them to stay in a kid’s reality.

Exercise Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise. How do you feel about setting boundaries with your family? Who in your family do you think would be the most receptive to your boundaries? Who in your family do you think would be the least receptive to your boundaries? Name two boundaries that you’d like to implement with your family. What actions or follow-up might be necessary for your family to adhere to your boundaries?

Chapter 1, I wrote about signs that you need healthier boundaries.

Chapter 2, we talked about what happens when we don’t set boundaries.

Chapter 3, we addressed what holds people back from setting boundaries.

Chapter 6, we detailed ways to identify and communicate boundaries.

As we talked through their needs, we came to the following conclusions: Nicole’s Needs A clear understanding of the future of the relationship with the hope of one day getting married; domestic support Malcolm’s Needs Improve how issues are identified, and address them with more meaningful communication instead of explosive disputes

Relationship Agreements In every relationship, we operate based on an explicit or implicit set of agreements (rules and boundaries). Based on our agreements, our relationships vary from person to person. In one relationship, we may find ourselves more argumentative; and in others, arguing isn’t an acceptable practice. It isn’t acceptable because at some point, an explicit or implicit agreement was made that it would be inappropriate in that relationship. For example, you might have such a spoken or unspoken agreement about arguments with your boss. Examples of Explicit Agreements with Healthy Boundaries

Examples of Implicit Agreements with Unhealthy Boundaries

Mindful Relationship Habits Define what it means to be in healthy relationships. Assess why you’re in relationships with certain people. Notice your energy while engaging with people. Do what feels right for you. Make peace with not having a relationship that everyone agrees with. Challenge societal norms about what relationships should look like. Discover what makes you happy in your relationships. Honor your feelings by making healthy choices.

Setting Expectations Set expectations at any point in your relationship, but the sooner, the better.

Here are some common areas where communication issues arise: Fidelity Is your relationship monogamous? What does monogamy mean? What does cheating look like? What’s the consequence if someone cheats? Finances How will you manage your money in the relationship? Who is responsible for paying which bill? What are your short-term and long-term financial goals? Will you have joint or separate bank and brokerage accounts? Do either or both of you have financial issues? How will you address financial issues if they arise? Household Who is responsible for doing which task? How will tasks be divided so that they don’t fall on one person? How can you work together to meet the needs of your home? Kids Do you want kids? How many kids do you want? What is your parenting style, or what do you think it will be? How will you approach disagreements related to kids? How will you maintain your relationship with your partner once children arrive? Outside Forces How do you handle issues with your partner’s family? What happens when you disagree with how your partner handled an issue? Is it okay to talk about your relationship with people outside the relationship? If so, whom? How do you protect your relationship from others?

When you’re faced with a challenge in your relationship, ask yourself: What is the real problem? What is my need? How do I need to communicate with my partner? What can I do to ensure that my need is met? What do I want from my partner to meet my needs?