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September 26 - September 28, 2025
A toe ring? A goddamned toe ring? I needed shoes, damnit! Not a toe ring!
So, it looks like a regular pet biscuit. It’s not.
Toad Cudgel Big stick for bonking. Bonk toad. Bonk mob. Bonk girlfriend and drag back to cave by hair.
It also makes you look like a dollar store Batman.
Reward: You’re now a handsome son of a bitch. That’s reward enough.
New achievement! Oooh, Magic! You’re wearing magical gear for the first time! You’re a wizard, Crawler!
“First off, Carl, my name is ‘GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk,’ and I’m going to have to insist you call me by my proper title. I will accept just Princess or even Princess Donut but not if we are in the presence of high company.”
Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore.
Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore. Who’s a dirty girl? You’re a dirty girl!
Princess Donut has named your party The Royal Court of Princess Donut. Princess Donut has changed your title to Royal Bodyguard. Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.
“It’s not worth it, no matter what they tell you. Not until floor 12, and even then, negotiate as much as you can. Remember that.”
Beautiful cat, Blorg. But why isn’t her bodyguard wearing pants?’”
“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”
Bad Llama. Level 3. It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade.
Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.
It was the strangest thing. There seemed to be a bathroom door about once every quarter mile or so.
They hit the wall and exploded like water balloons.
So if your boyfriend ogling your tootises keeps these easy-peasy bugs coming at us instead of more of those lava-spitting llamas, then you better buck up, get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.” “Take one for my princess,”
My choices at the soda machine were something called Hoop Cola, water, milk, vodka, and something called Warka, which I determined to be beer
The world is gone.
Cockroaches that have been baptized in rage and Monster Energy drinks.
I prayed it wouldn’t blow when it hit the ground.
It blew when it hit the ground.
New achievement! Boss Babe.
“Ayúdame por favor,” the woman cried, reaching for us. Her voice was deep, beefy. Scared. The giant woman sounded terrified. “No se que esta pasando. Me duele el estómago. No se donde estoy. Por favor, tengo miedo.”
The woman was scared, disoriented, and she obviously didn’t want to be here. But she was also vomiting killer cockroaches at us. Our only real choice was to take her out.
“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,”
“No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”
And the winner is, The Royal Court of Princess Donut!
“Let’s go loot her corpse!” Donut said the moment she saw it on her map.
With a skill like this, you can always find work as a 1920s street tough or a collection agent for a bookie.
A great spell to have if you’re a club kid or trying to bang a vegan.
“They interview people?” She looked at me. “Carl, we need on that show. Make it happen.”
Also, your grandfather was also your uncle.”
“Maybe Frank Q isn’t a human,” Donut was saying. “Maybe he’s one of those cocker spaniels.” She sniffed at the corpse. “Yes, this is definitely the work of a cocker spaniel.”
The premiere of Dungeon Crawler World: Earth was easily the most bizarre thing I’d ever witnessed in my life.
One of the dogs wore what appeared to be a chainmail sweater. The other had gained the ability to shoot lightning when it barked.
These bastards are more unhinged and sadistic than those guys who couldn’t pass the psych exam to join the military. Bomb Bards are experts with explosives, and they strike with a variety of ranged attacks that’ll blow your socks off. If the one you’re looking at right now has more than half of his fingers, then he’s probably very, very dangerous.
“To offer goblins funpowder is like offering water to a piranha,”
Goblin Copper Chopper with attached sidecar. Human-sized. Contraption. Take a junkyard bicycle, add an unreliable steam engine, remove all the bolts holding it together, replace them with chewing gum, and you get the idea. The preferred assault transport of Goblin Bomb Bards, what this contraption lacks in reliability and safety it makes up for in absolutely nothing.
“It’d be nice to fuck someone and not have to eat them afterward.”
“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
“There sure were a lot of babies in there, too,” Donut said in that last moment before the blast.
“Were there really babies in there? Like goblin babies?” I asked. “Oh yes, there were a bunch of them. I only saw them for but a moment, but they were quite cute. Some of them were wearing little oversized jackets, like Baby Yoda. Adorable. I think you hit one with the cart.
“I must admit,” Donut said as we jogged away. “I do like it when you blow stuff up. I like it a lot.”
New achievement! You Monster! You have killed an infant! An infant!
Feel better? Good. Reward: These past twenty seconds, when your conscience started to ease? That was your reward. It was also a lie. That baby is dead, and it’s dead because of you. You’re totally going to hell. You’ve also received a Bronze Asshole’s Box.
Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!
I wondered how many of my fellow people had found a place like this and had given up. They were just hunkering down, eating, sleeping, waiting for it all to end.
It’s not the best protection, but it’ll make your ass look oh so pretty.
