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September 26 - September 28, 2025
Hopefully now you’ll realize all those Magic: The Gathering cards are nothing more than just meaningless pieces of paper, and you should have spent your money on something with actual value, like a treadmill. Or shampoo.
“You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.”
Can you, uh, put down your cat?” “Put me down?” “That’s not what he meant,”
Donut huffed but complied. She loved looting corpses.
“How is it you’re James Bond when it comes to strangers, but Miss Beatrice could date three different guys at once, and you had no idea?” “Three different guys?” “Well, you were one of them, so two, I guess. Then again, it’s three if you count Angel’s owner. Does it count as cheating when it’s with another woman? There's so many human nuances I don't understand.”
New Achievement! Bitchmeat! You’ve been attacked by a fellow crawler in a safe zone, and the system has been forced to save your ass. That usually suggests you’re either really annoying, or you snore. If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait…
Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.
We used the bathroom—thankfully neither of us exploded—and we headed out on our way.
it simply read Stairwell to Floor Two.
If I’m gonna die, I might as well do it in the pursuit of a worthy cause.
It’s better to face the enemy you know than the one you don’t.”
New achievement! Two Chicks at the Same Time.
“What the goodness is a tikbalang?” Donut asked, pausing in her cleaning. “It sounds like some sort of disease a sailor would get.”
“Everything you see is fake,” Odette said. “This is show business.”
Don’t ever forget that. You can’t count on anybody but yourselves.”
Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not really there.
Floor Two Views: 0 Followers: 0 Favorites: 0
Have you ever found a dead, bloated, and decomposing body? Have ya poked it with a stick just to see what would wiggle out? Perhaps rubbed it with your bare foot? You know you’ve wanted to. Well, wonder no more. Here on the second floor, rats are yesterday’s news. Brindle Grubs are now all the rage, and janitor duty falls unto them. The more monsters you kill in an area, the more the grubs eat. The more the grubs eat, the bigger they get. Once you start finding them in the pupa stage, you best move on. Grubs are easy to kill. Their older siblings are not.
“What happened to not wanting to desecrate a corpse?” “Cocker spaniels deserve to have their corpses desecrated.”
Their brain-shaped bodies had the consistency of a jam-filled kickball. They bounced when they hit the ground, sometimes splattering.
New achievement! Bully and a Thief! You’ve stolen property from a fellow crawler who is a lower level than you. What’s next, tough guy? Kicking puppies? Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Asshole’s Box.
New achievement! Battlefield Construction! You built a structure and deployed it in battle. And your mother thought you were wasting your life away while you spent all those hours eating Doritos and playing Minecraft. If only she could see you now. Too bad she’s probably dead. Reward: You’ve received a Silver Mechanic’s Box!
New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market! Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Shoe Box.
New achievement! You found stairs! You have found a stairwell down to the next floor. They say the cream rises to the top. So what does that say about you? Reward: This barely qualifies as an achievement. Your reward is that you’re alive to read this.
Enchanted Pedicure Kit of the Sylph. This kit contains 12 essential items for proper foot care. The magical enhancements of this item may only be imbued within a Safe or Personal Space. Warning: All of these enhancements require you to remain barefoot. Why? Because you know why. From a pumice stone to a cuticle pusher, this personal hygiene kit will keep your feet both luscious and in perfect fighting shape. Nightly care of your feet and toenails will result in the following bonuses: +15% Damage to bare-foot attacks for 30 hours. +3 to the Smush skill for 30 hours. +Unbreakable buff (feet
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We were on screen for less than 15 seconds.
Finally, we must say we are disappointed in the disrespect we are being shown regarding the bathrooms. As of this moment, if any human-born crawler intentionally urinates or defecates anywhere outside a designated bathroom area, they will be immediately and swiftly penalized in the form of a Rage Elemental plucked from the 13th floor. This elemental will kill them and everyone in their party before they can get their pants back up. That’s it for tonight. Have fun out there, and remember to kill, kill, kill!
Views: 69 Billion Followers: 635 Million Favorites: 149 Million
If you hear banjo music, run. Clurichauns are distant, hillbilly relatives of the Leprechauns. And while the Leprechauns are said to guard vast piles of gold, the only thing Clurichauns might hoard are Polaroids of their own sisters sitting on the can and questionable business schemes. This particular sect is of the unvaccinated variety. Don’t let them sneeze on you.
“Each of them has a clay jug of something called toilet-grade moonshine,” Donut said. “They’re like the llamas,” I said. “They probably sell the stuff to the other mobs.”
Warning: You’ve been infected with the Taint. “Fuck.”
The Taint. Having the Taint is like having the giggles. Or like having the time of your life. But instead of it being a good thing, you are balancing on the precipice of death. You may not heal your health using any method while you are inflicted with the Taint.
New Achievement! Wait, Bosses Can Leave Their Rooms? Welcome to the second floor, bitches. Reward: This shit plays great on the recap episode. If you scream loud enough, maybe you’ll make the show.
Krakaren Clone! Level 10 Neighborhood Boss! First off, this isn’t the Krakaren. This is a Krakaren. For every one that is killed, Krakaren Prime births two more. Part of a collective mind intent upon destroying any semblance of scientific progress in the universe, the Krakaren is the only communal brain entity in the galaxy who actually gets stupider as time moves on. Consisting of multiple, shrieking tentacles, members of the Krakaren cooperative spend their days birthing their disease-laden minions, creating and selling harmful products, attempting to debate scientific experts, and
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You have been inflicted with the Taint. “Damnit!”
It tasted as if I’d taken a drink directly from the diseased asshole of an incontinent skunk. It took all of my strength not to vomit.
Die motherfucker! Die!”
Donut: I DON’T WANT TO SAY THIS OUT LOUD, BUT OUR VIEWS WENT WAY UP. ISN’T IT GREAT?
Those llamas, for example. They are unique to your planet, and I don’t recall anything in your culture that suggests they should be anthropomorphized as drug-dealing gang bangers. Someone just thought it’d be an interesting combo. Not everything will be social commentary.”
Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything out loud. I couldn’t help it. I looked up at the ceiling. “Really? Fucking really?” Behind me, Mordecai laughed, but a moment later he added, “Whoa, that’s actually a really good prize.” It was a white pair of boxers covered in little red hearts. “Goddamnit,” I muttered as I examined them.
Enchanted BigBoi Boxers. Have you ever read an Incredible Hulk comic and thought to yourself, everything rips off of his body except his pants? No way. Well, spoiler alert. You’re not wrong. Size-altering and were-creatures, such as the BigBoi are required to wear enchanted, self-sizing items lest they wish to turn the dungeon into a nudist colony when they transform. That means everything they wear requires an enchantment. Everything, including their naughty little undies. + 2 to Constitution Wearer may cast a level 15 Protective Shell once every 30 hours.
“You’ve been hit on twice now,” Donut said. “Once by a meth-addled goblin shaman and once by Abraham Lincoln’s grandmother. I can’t wait to see who you attract next. Five gold coins says it’s some sort of bog witch with a beard.”
In other words, you are fucked. Absolutely, bite-the-pillow, fucked.
Views: 212 Billion Followers: 4.4 Billion Favorites: 793 Million
New achievement! Like a Moth to the Flame. You attacked and caused damage to a mob that is more than 75 levels above your own. The fact that you’re reading this suggests you’re the luckiest fucker in the dungeon. Just remember, luck goes both ways, like your mom. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Lucky Bastard Box!
Donut: EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE IS WATCHING THIS. I JUST HIT ONE TRILLION VIEWS, CARL. ONE TRILLION.
We had four types of babies: baby uno, boom jar babies, shredder babies, and, finally, oh shit babies.
Views: 1.4 Trillion Followers: 352.2 Billion Favorites: 21.4 Billion
“The dungeon?” she asked. “Like a sex thing?”
Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.
