The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Their commitment to being authentic devolves into a stubborn attachment to being different. They can be somewhat pretentious, acting like they deserve more than they have, and they may pretend to be unavailable, hoping you will pursue them.

The good news for Fours is that Nines stay. That is very comforting to Fours, who are often concerned about abandonment. But there are some problems: neither is good at taking responsibility for choices and personal behavior, both have unspoken expectations, and both avoid doing.

Fours find meaning best expressed through stories, symbols, liturgy, art, music, and tradition.

The thought of conforming in order to fit in is surely a temptation; but this desire is also their greatest liability, because even if feeling somewhat isolated and alone is undesirable, being inauthentic is totally unacceptable to Fours.

I wish that for just one time You could stand inside my shoes And just for that one moment I could be you

Fours often pursue relationships they can’t have.

the way they are drawn to unattainable relationships is a kind of misguided and probably unconscious form of self-protection. They seem to believe that if they pursue someone who is unavailable and they are unsuccessful, it will be less painful than desiring a relationship with someone who is available but who may not choose to make a connection with them.

What we have loved, others will love, and we will show them how. Wordsworth

To fall in love with a person requires first that we perceive their beauty and that perception is dependent on the quality and the intentionality of our seeing.

Fours have the gifts and the grace to hold both beauty and pain without the need to choose one over the other.

you can’t . . . live an exceptional life based on fantasy. have lots of people who can accommodate your emotional volatility.

people might actually understand you and like you. It could be that you are lovable and that you are enough.

life is ordinary, and that’s okay.

there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Perfection lies in your ability to accept what is and ...

Affirm that the feeling is valid for them without affirming the premise it is based on.

Fives are in the Fear Triad on the left side of the Enneagram and they manage their fear by gathering information and knowledge. That information is usually shared thoughtfully and methodically. It’s standard for them to withhold pieces of information, share their feelings with only one or two people, and manage their reactions with thinking.

It’s not that Fives are bereft of feelings, it’s that they struggle to hold them long enough to articulate and share them with someone else.

Fives manage everything in their heads. They prefer convergent thinking, which offers one correct answer, to divergent thinking, which allows for creative ideas that come from exploring many possible sources.

Relationships are risky for Fives.

The measured risk is what a Five is after. A measured risk. And then they test the waters and then they test them again.

if you want time with a Five you will generally need to request it. An average Five will carefully evaluate the validity of your request and then weigh the time and energy it will take to accommodate it before responding.

Other people will have to learn that for Fives, time alone is a must if they are going to be comfortable offering themselves and their gifts to the world.

We all avoid something, and Fives avoid being dependent on others. In fact, they over-value independence, so establishing and maintaining boundaries is second nature to them.

Because of this high value on privacy and independence, Fives have a limited capacity for interaction with other people, which is a significant obstacle in relationships. It also means they tend to struggle with having a limited amount of energy.

Keep in mind that Eights have more energy than any number on the Enneagram and Nines have the least, but Fives have an allotted amount of energy for every day,...

Fives see independence as the key to managing their lack of energy. This is ironic since the real solution is interdependence—real, authentic relationship—but that requires an understanding about relationship that most Fives don’t have until midlife.

one of the reasons Fives avoid needing help from others lies in the reality that they find interaction to be a challenge.

Sharing personal details takes more energy and leads to more questions, all of which the Five experiences as draining.

it can be challenging for relationships to accommodate a strong desire for independence and a deep commitment to privacy. Both have value, but too much of either is a problem.

Many relationships are built around an exchange of ideas or expertise, and some of our closest connections are the result of having a need and allowing someone else to meet it.

the commitment of Fives to provide everything for themselves hinders their ability to connect with others.

Relationships are enhanced when Fives can hear and consider ideas or solutions that differ from their own, and when they ...

Fives often look at life through a lens of scarcity: they withhold their resources so their needs will never present a problem for someone else. But this kind of thinking inhibits the seeking and building of relationships. The idea that your needs are going to be a problem for the people who love and care about you is simply not true. The vul...

Fives are aware when a situation calls for action, but they are often blind to the possibility that they should be the one to act. They may wonder what happened, analyze how it should be fixed, or suggest ideas to others, but they rarely take initiative to do something.

Fives believe that they do not or cannot make a difference, in either process or outcome, so they don’t take action. And then this inactivity feeds into their mistaken beliefs that they have no power to effect change.

“The Enneagram is not about a pigeonhole, it’s more like ‘here’s a place where you hover’ and you can see how stress is affecting you and you can see possible indicators about what you could do to alleviate the stress. That is very helpful, especially in building relationships.”

Nines are a challenge when they don’t just go along with what Fives think. But that’s good for Fives. Nines may ramble a bit, but in important matters they are independent thinkers. And it’s a gift that they don’t pressure Fives to do things they don’t want to do.

When Fives are in excess in their number, their world becomes smaller and smaller. They become less concerned about the needs of others and more concerned about themselves and their overwhelming desire for privacy and security.

Fives are prone to what the rest of us call “dry humor.” Sometimes this humor is too cynical or sarcastic and it creates misunderstanding, especially with the feeling types.

Fives tend to maintain the status quo: they avoid change and risk, and they manage both their fear and their limited energy with restricted involvement in the outside world.

It would be wrong to say that Fives don’t need and want relationships. They do. However, they are most comfortable with just one or two close friends outside of family. In fact, sometimes they experience people as intrusive.

It helps to keep in mind that Fives have to be willing to choose participation over observation.

For Fives, relating to people is costly. It is not uncommon for them to need an entire day of solitude after being available and present to others. This time serves more than one purpose. As organized thinkers, Fives need time to process their experience in relation to what they already hold to be true.

Fives miss out when they hide, and other people miss out on knowing them. It is brave of Fives to show up—more brave than for any other number. What many of us give from our excess, Fives give from their substance. Even still, Fives should risk being known. They are sure to discover that the mutual benefit in the relationship outweighs their personal cost.

Fives have an unexpected capacity to bring delightful curiosity to the moment and the relationship. Their independence may appear impassable, but those fences have gates.

Enneagram wisdom teaches that Fives are the only number capable of true neutrality. That’s a gift to offer others.

The need to learn is not incompetence, it’s inexperience.

although you value thinking over feeling and doing, that is not true for many of the other people in your life. In order to connect with others, you will have to work to balance your thinking with some emotion and action.

Fives measure life’s events by how much it will cost them in terms of money, energy, time, privacy, and affection.

If you’re in a relationship with a Five, don’t push them to socialize with other people. That has to come naturally for them; they don’t do well when pushed.