The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Since they aren’t good tacticians when they feel angry, Nines buy time with passive expressions of their feelings. They are concerned that direct and aggressive verbal exchanges will result in fragmentation. But they also worry about being able to contain their own anger once they give it a voice and full rein.

Nines in stress are often withdrawn, indecisive, noncommunicative, secretive, and stubborn. They are usually absent (emotionally and physically), and if they are present, they’re either unable or unwilling to risk connecting with others. Nines don’t want to be controlled or affected by anything,

Nines are very concerned about justice issues, so it should not be surprising when stressed Nines speak up and move into action in an effort to make things right.

It is harder for a Nine to know who they are in a relationship than for any other number.

When I am sharing space with someone who has good boundaries, I automatically merge with them. It would take too much energy to separate what I think and feel from what the other person expresses with such clarity. But when the other person is gone, I can think more clearly and know what I want, what I think, and what I believe. It requires a lot of energy for me to know myself. So, if I’m using up that energy to know you, then I have a weird amnesia about me. In

unlike most other numbers, Nines are quiet about their disapproval; they have no desire for anyone to notice their lack of participation.

In relation to choices and behavior, Nines are the least controlling of all the numbers. Their appreciation for independence is a two-way street: they want theirs and they want you to have yours.

“It remains clear to me that a good mediator or peacemaker is one that can see, understand, and empathize with every side of life. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have strong feelings about one side or another in a conflict. It just means that I can clearly articulate the view of everyone in the discussion. In the end, isn’t that what everyone is looking for? A chance to be understood as they talk about life as they see it.”

Nines see two sides to everything, for better and for worse.

You can . . . learn really good tools for avoiding some conflicts and resolving others. learn to manage the tension between regretting being compliant and being afraid of being noncompliant. recognize that relationships are best when you do not give up your personal identity. take steps to engage conflict in a healthy way, understanding that avoiding conflict often causes conflict.

there are times when you must assert yourself. It is yours to do, regardless of the cost.

there is no such thing as a healthy relationship that is void of anger, disappointment, and conflict.

Nines appreciate, and perhaps need, a peaceful environment.

Focus on what Nines do as opposed to what they forget or fail to do.

Remember that Nines have a generous spirit. If you aren’t mindful, it is easy to take advantage of them.

Encourage Nines to share their grievances with you.

Nines want clear, direct communication regarding what’s expected of them.

Remember this: agreement doesn’t always lead to participation, and when Nines do participate it doesn’t necessarily indicate commitment.

Nines don’t make personal decisions quickly, and they don’t usually want your help.

“The main thing about a One is that nothing is ever good enough.

The truth is that most Ones spend much of their lives seeking perfection in thought and word and deed. They do so for honorable reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact that they do it. And perfection is like an ice sculpture: it lasts only as long as there’s no change in the atmosphere.

If you’re in a relationship with Ones, know that you will have to contend with a critic that you can’t hear, but that finds fault with most of what Ones do and think, and tells them they are flawed in some terrible, unredeemable way. Unfortunately, their method of coping is to find fault in others—often finding fault in you. They believe criticism is caring, so they have to be taught that not everybody feels the same way about being corrected or encouraged to seek improvement.

their challenge is to learn to accept a certain amount of imperfection in themselves and in others, and then find a way to be comfortable with it.

It’s difficult for Ones to understand, much less respect, people who don’t want to give their best to every endeavor.

We bought one of those bookcases that requires an Allen wrench, some assembly, a sense of humor, and lots of patience.

There isn’t another number on the Enneagram that demands so much and rewards so sparingly.

Sometimes Ones seethe with anger. This is hard on their relationships and causes deep regret, so it’s very important that Ones, and those they love, get whatever help is necessary to manage their anger.

anger in Ones doesn’t usually manifest as blowing up and yelling, but as something a bit more insidious: resentment.

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

When Ones feel anger, they deny it, stuff it, rename it, move on—and then they manage it by perfecting something that is within their control,

Ones love deeply and well. They do all they can to protect and care for those they are in relationship with. They are thoughtful, careful, mindful, and supportive. But it’s hard to get things right with a One, even in a relationship. Try to remember that their responses have everything to do with how they see, and, through no fault of their own, they see imperfection everywhere. Keep in mind that Ones are also much harder on themselves than they are on anyone else, and that they deeply regret it when their patience is limited and their expectations are unreasonable—especially at home.

Ones feel deeply about what they do and how well they respond in each situation. Oftentimes this limits the energy they have left for the emotional needs and expectations within their relationships.

The truth is that an ongoing internal dialogue with that pesky critic is not the same thing as thinking. In fact, often what Ones mistake for thinking is merely responding to their inner critic’s prompts.

Ones always know something else needs to be done, so we don’t give ourselves any space to relax. And what that does unintentionally in relationships is it doesn’t allow the other people around us to relax either.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

the more Ones focus on what other people want from them, the more they lose touch with their own needs and desires. Once this pattern is set in motion, they only understand their own goodness by how well they measure up to what others define as good. After a time, rules, standards, and directives become the boundaries that determine how Ones evaluate the success or failure of their day.

My heart is full of respect and tenderness for Ones.

When Ones are in low average space, they are argumentative and uncompromising. They have many expectations, and when expectations aren’t met, resentment soon follows. They are picky and unpredictable, and your efforts to please them often fail.

to honor our relationships, we all need to watch for behavior that exaggerates the things that seem important from our point of view but end up causing separation between us and the people we care about.

When Ones are experiencing too much stress, they begin to assign moral value to mistakes. If others miss a deadline or forget a meeting, it can escalate. Ones might first label the coworker as lazy or indifferent, but that can deteriorate to labels like useless or no good. Labels like that can wound and damage or even change a relationship permanently. Keep in mind that such behavior comes directly from the way Ones berate themselves when they make a mistake or miss a deadline, so they do the same to others. But other numbers don’t abuse themselves in that way, so they struggle to tolerate such behavior.

Ones need to be careful about judging different paths toward the same goal.

The emotional needs of Ones are often repressed,

Fives are silent much of the time, and they are rarely, if ever, judging.

Ones need to avoid making assumptions about what others are thinking.

Ones have a lot in common with Nines: both repress anger, though for different reasons. They both also like to ruminate about decisions for a long time, so be aware that someone will have to step up when the time comes for action.

“When your daddy gets something wrong it breaks his heart. But when he gets it right, all is right with the world.”

Ones are the only people on the Enneagram who actually believe every step of a task should be done correctly, so they will have to be careful that the high standards they set for themselves don’t become unreasonable expectations for others.

Ones also need to learn to recognize when things are good enough and leave it at that.

When a One becomes too sober about too many things—too thoughtful or too aware—they can be hard on other people and themselves, and they find it hard to lighten up, even when they sense they should.

Ones struggle to accept the reality that there are certain things they must accept.