The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

9s are called Peacemakers or Mediators. They are the least complex number on the Enneagram. They have the least energy of all the types because they try to keep in anything that would cause conflict and keep out anything that would steal their peace. Nines are the most stubborn number. They manage their anger by being passive-aggressive. They have the gift and the problem of seeing two sides to everything, so they are prone to procrastination and indecision. In relationships, Nines are loyal and like to be close. They are self-forgetting, setting aside their own needs and agendas to merge with others. The

An Eight’s first response to anything is “What am I going to do?” This can be tricky in relationships because many other people initially ask, “What do I think?” or “What do I feel ?”

In the context of relationships, doing as a first response often seems aggressive to other Enneagram numbers who are more oriented toward thinking or feeling. So Eights need to stop long enough to consider that for some, thinking must come before acting, and for others, feelings determine what action will be taken and when. This isn’t just a matter of preference—it has to do with how we see.

any kind of pause is difficult for Eights since they want to have control over what’s happening inside of them and in the world. Sometimes Eights act too quickly, leaving no room for other perspectives or to allow others to offer what they have to give. Even so, people still look to Eights to make decisions and lead, expecting them to slow their pace, explain the plan, and ask for suggestions. With a focus on doing, none of that would occur to an Eight.

Eights need to pay attention when they move so quickly in a relationship that others can’t keep up. Others will often go along, but it’s likely because they don’t feel like they have a choice. And this often results in resentment.

when Eights choose inclusion it requires very little time and the payoff is significant: it alleviates misunderstanding and creates significant connections.

Eights avoid vulnerability to protect themselves emotionally.

The irony is that Eights also feel the need to protect themselves, but they do it by avoiding helplessness, weakness, and subordination.

Eights want to feel connected to those who are close to them as much as any other number. But they have a big problem: one of the very few things they are afraid of is being exposed in moments of weakness, limitation, or indecision.

Although Eights can be vulnerable in close relationships, they always struggle with their discomfort of expressing softer feelings.

Despite their best efforts to protect themselves, Eights, like all of us, have experiences in life that they are not prepared for. In those times, when they feel emotionally exposed, Eights allow us to see them. If only briefly, we are given an opportunity to know them in a new way.

Eights abhor weakness in themselves and those close to them, so if they can’t distinguish between being vulnerable and being weak, they avoid both. But it’s very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t be vulnerable.

when they were little they were very uncomfortable around others who seemed to be weak and halfhearted, so they made the decision to be strong. Many of them take responsibility for themselves and others at a very early age because they are born leaders. But this chosen strength costs them their innocence. If you’re an Eight, you will spend part of your adult life trying to regain your capacity to encounter the world without having to protect yourself from it. The ability to do that will come to you only in the context of safe relationships.

When Eights are busy getting things done on behalf of someone else, there’s a good chance they are solving the problem without much social awareness.

When things don’t line up or obstacles appear, Eights often respond with anger.

for the other numbers on the Enneagram, Eight anger is often perceived as a barrier, not a boundary.

Eights rarely regret confrontation. They rely on the energy they get from their need to be independent, but they often miss the reality that their aggression overshadows their intent.

Eights have an abundance of passion for everything and nothing in particular, often substituting intensity for other feelings such as joy or sadness or vulnerability or embarrassment.

Eights aren’t afraid to feel—they’re afraid their feelings will betray them.

The last thing an Eight wants is to hurt someone they love. When they discover they have hurt you, their inner response is far from mechanical. Even if they maintain their composure, they suffer greatly and are devastated to learn they have taken advantage of your vulnerability in any way. Stress

When Eights are healthy and at their best in relationships, they are positive, playful, and generous. They can be very accepting and willing to hang in there with whatever is going on. In this space they are committed, truthful, and supportive of others as long as others are committed to success.

At their most unhealthy, Eights are combative, possessive, arrogant, uncompromising, and quick to find fault.

Eights in stress respond with aggression, intensity, and palpable self-assurance. The primary defense mechanism of Eights is to deny all feelings that crop up from time to time. It pushes them to work harder and do more, when what they need to do is stop.

Eights are committed and energetic like Ones, but they don’t share the same focus: Ones generally focus on the problem, and Eights focus on the solution.

An Eight can have a fascinating relationship with a Nine when both are mature and in healthy space. Nines need to have their own energy, agenda, and understanding of what is theirs to do; when Eights willingly and intentionally follow Nines, that can be a beautiful thing.

what most of us experience as stressful—deadlines, confrontations, arguments, crises, the problematic behavior of others, or events that seem to be spinning out of control—Eights consider comfortable.

For the sake of our relationships it’s important to acknowledge that some—perhaps most—Eights actually believe they can change reality to conform to their way of seeing things.

many Eights live a lifetime believing they must ignore their softer feelings in order to get the job done.

Eights are usually in charge no matter where they are or who they’re with. So it’s important for them to remember that relationships are built on mutuality and collaboration, and both are easy to dismiss for those who are always in leadership mode.

Eights think they are protecting themselves by being in charge. However, being the one who always leads, controls, and makes decisions in a relationship can be isolating.

we all protect ourselves from certain things (for example, Nines protect themselves from conflict, Sevens are very conscientious about avoiding pain, and Fours are diligent in their concern about abandonment). Eights are committed to protecting themselves from unexpected emotions,

For Eights, everyone else can’t be as strong as you are.

you’re not always right. you can’t guarantee the outcome. you thrive on stress, but other people don’t.

The main thing to keep in mind in relationship with Eights is that their aggression is not personal. They mean no harm, so don’t be misled by their strong opinions and passions.

If you don’t stand up for yourself, if you are not forthcoming, if you fail to be honest, and if you are indirect, then you are invisible to Eights.

Don’t beat around the bush: Eights want communication to be brief, straightforward, and truthful.

Be aware that Eights are controlling in relationships simply because they don’...

If Eights are not happy with you, they tell you. If they don’t tell you but seem a little distant, it most likely has nothing to do with you.

Be aware that Eights sometimes mistake tenderness for manipulation.

Keep in mind that Eights are often unaware of how they affect others.

Being relational with someone, no matter who it is or for how long, is an experience of vulnerability that differs for all of us.

When Nines are able to entertain the idea that their presence matters, it has a positive effect on all of their encounters with others, especially those they love the most.

Nines have the least energy of all the numbers on the Enneagram. They are easygoing and undemanding—they just don’t rock the boat—because in their experience, intensity and desires often result in discomfort and trouble. But it takes a lot of energy to maintain that easygoing approach all day.

If you’re in a relationship with a Nine, you will have to accept that their lives are made up of distractions. Even when intentional about their focus, they often get lost in doing something that isn’t part of the plan for the day. When they get distracted from you, don’t take it personally because it isn’t about you—it’s all about how they see. Nines follow whatever passes in front of them, regardless of the task at hand.

they are constantly addressing their propensity for distraction.

Nines avoid conflict. From their perspective, very few things are worth arguing about unless a decision involves their integrity.

People are drawn to Nines and want to get to know them. But sometimes it feels to the Nine like other people want too much from them—they want to know all about them, who they are and what they stand for. That can be a real challenge because Nines tend to merge with the ideas and agendas of others in order to avoid conflict.

I tend to change the expression of my personality dramatically and radically depending on who I’m with and where we are.

When I understand that I am averse to even healthy conflict, and healthy conflict actually produces intimacy, and it strengthens relationships, that insight lets me take intentional steps toward exploring and experiencing conflict when necessary to mitigate some of the weaker or more difficult aspects of my personality. That’s an insight I never would have found without the Enneagram.

Nines are not wishy-washy, malleable people who have no boundaries. But they are people who have a limited amount of energy, and they are mindful about how they use it.