The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

you can’t . . . have inner peace if you continue to commit to an ever-rising set of internal standards for yourself. accurately measure your own goodness and value based on the constant chatter of the inner critic. live in a world where everyone attends to details in the same ways that you do. change how others see.

For Twos, the relationship is always about the other person. You can’t say what you want or feel because it could cause a disconnect.”

I want responses from other people that show that they appreciate me, but I don’t want to ask for them, and if I do receive accolades from others I have no idea how to handle them.

Twos read the world with feelings. They connect to other people by picking up on their feelings and respond by doing something. They express emotions so easily you might think those feelings are their own, but that is seldom the case. Twos feel the feelings of others and find it very difficult to tell you what they actually feel.

For Twos, everything is relational. They make their way in the world by connecting with almost every person they encounter and by building a relationship with everyone they can engage on a regular or semi-regular basis. It’s the way Twos know themselves.

Twos don’t know who they are unless they get that information from someone else.

Twos believe that everyone is their responsibility in one way or another, and they take pride in meeting the needs of others.

Twos generally don’t see themselves as worthy of needing anyone’s help.

Twos are afraid to express a need or desire because if no one responds, they fear they won’t be able to manage the pain and disappointment.

this gift for manipulation can lead to Twos seeing themselves as martyrs. And this kind of manipulation and martyrdom is accompanied by anger due to unmet expectations and a feeling of being taken for granted.

Their fear is primarily because their self-worth is determined by their giving. If they have nothing left to offer, they struggle to know whether they have any value at all.

Twos make their way by reading the feelings of others and then doing something in response. They don’t think about what they’re experiencing, so the lack of productive thinking in situations and relationships doesn’t show itself until Twos come to a full stop.

When Twos are experiencing a lot of anxiety and fatigue, it’s usually a signal that they need to stop, consider all that they are involved in, discern what is theirs to do, appropriately pass on to others what is not theirs to do, and think about what’s going on rather than continuing to react emotionally from their automatic desire to identify and meet the needs of others.

Twos often go after the one they don’t have, risking relationships with others in the process.

Twos are usually anxious about relationships, making up things that are not happening and worrying about what might happen to threaten them.

It’s normal for Twos to feel a bit insecure around Sevens. Sevens might appear to be unaware of Twos and their needs while tending to a plethora of activities they manage on a daily basis. Twos need to practice verbalizing what they want and need—it will be good for both.

Nines are very much like Twos. They are other-referenced and they don’t like conflict. But they are averse to doing, so Twos need to be patient with their apparent lack of energy. Twos have an abundance of energy for all things having to do with people, so they need to be respectful of the difference.

Twos probably have more and deeper connections with people than other numbers tend to have, and yet it doesn’t seem to satisfy.

Twos need to look for happiness from the inside out as opposed to expecting it to always come from somewhere or someone outside of themselves.

Healthy relationships demand that you have a strong sense of yourself when you’re alone.

When Twos are in a healthy space, they are generous but also playful and nurturing. They make other people comfortable, they are aware when others feel left out or marginalized in any way, and they will usually find ways to meet you where you are. They’re accepting and they seldom adhere to insider/outsider thinking and behavior.

When they’re trapped in a pattern of unhealthy responses, Twos are controlling and possessive and insecure. Jealousy becomes a problem when they fear they might lose the attention and affection of someone they love.

Ironically, the people Twos love the most get the leftovers—Twos trust that their closest relationships will always be there, so they short them on time and attention.

Twos assume that any problem in a relationship is their fault. They are very slow to leave relationships and generally fall into the trap of believing they can make a big enough commitment to cover both sides.

a man who pets honeybees is a man who believes that it’s worth the risk of a sting for the possibility of a connection.

Twos have to learn to let others make their own free choices and then either suffer or celebrate the consequences.

you can’t . . . expect other Enneagram numbers to sense and meet your needs before you name them. have healthy relationships with more people than your life can accommodate. Every yes you say in one relationship requires a no in another.

you’ll need to accept that . . . other people are meeting your needs in their own way. It may not be the way you would do it, but it’s just as good.

Twos can only process verbally. They don’t think things through—they talk their way through them. You can avoid so much misunderstanding by keeping this in mind.

Try to have patience when Twos are overly concerned regarding their relationships with other people. Your impatience with that reality will only add to their insecurity.

Anger or disproportionate emotional responses usually signal unmet needs.

Threes have the gift and the burden of being able to adapt themselves to any person or group. They work very hard to be who they think you want them to be.

Those with whom Threes have the most intimate relationship may not ever get to know them for who they truly are. As a result, Threes keep believing that they are loved for what they do instead of who they are.

Threes sometimes struggle to read the feelings of others, but the greater struggle is to read their own feelings.

Sometimes Threes know what they’re feeling, but they just don’t want to deal with it.

Most Threes want to be the star. They believe that if you can’t win first place, you shouldn’t enter the race. If you can’t lead, you shouldn’t follow. If you don’t know the right answer, you should be quiet. And if you can’t make a good impression, then don’t make an impression at all.

Threes cannot tolerate feeling uninformed or inadequate.

When they experience failure, Threes quickly reframe it as a partial victory.

Threes don’t like to be wrong, so they justify their behavior by reframing the story—and they are good at it, often believing the story themselves.

It is both unfair and non-productive to expect from someone else what you cannot give.

The intensity of Fours’ emotions, accompanied by unpredictable moods, requires understanding, compassion, patience, and an appreciation of the Fours’ need for authenticity.

Fours have a deep desire to be known, really known, for who they authentically are.

As children, Fours came to believe that there was something fundamentally wrong with them.

In building or trying to maintain a relationship, Fours often feel some tension between their desire to be seen and understood as uniquely themselves and the laissez faire attitude some have about making connections.

When Fours adapt in order to belong, it feels like they’re selling out. But when they choose their more authentic selves, it can feel like sacrificing what they long for the most—real relationship.

Average Fours often use their energy to maintain a self-image based on feelings and daydreams and stories from the past. In doing so, they may miss more authentic feelings as they arise because they have a habit of creating and then sustaining moods that suit them at the time.

Immature Fours may choose the role of victim in order to feel some sense of value when someone goes to the trouble of attending to their distress. All of this behavior is an effort to escape the shame that comes from believing that they don’t measure up in some fundamental way.

Fours exacerbate their feelings to accommodate their sense of loss.

Fours want to avoid being ordinary because it is one way they protect their authenticity. They often avoid what is current and conventional and what we might call normal, seeking instead to try to describe how they see the world.

Fours want to fit in but can’t—they feel slightly out of step all the time.