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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Amy Morin
But their decision to drive is based solely on emotion, not logic. Logic says that statistically, the odds of dying in a car crash are around 1 in 5,000, while the odds of dying in a plane crash are closer to 1 in 11 million.
make sure you’re basing your decision on facts, not just feelings. Most of the research shows that we are pretty bad at accurately calculating risk. Frighteningly, many of our major life decisions are based on complete irrationality:
We don’t recognize the difference between skill and chance. Casinos have discovered that when gamblers play craps, they roll the dice differently depending on what type of number they need to win.
We are influenced by our superstitious beliefs. Whether a business leader wears his lucky socks or a person reads his horoscope before leaving the house, superstitions impact our willingness to take risks. On average, ten thousand fewer people fly on Friday the thirteenth, and black cats are less likely to get adopted from a shelter on that day. Although research shows most people think crossing their fingers increases their luck, in reality, it does nothing to mitigate risk.
We become easily deluded when we see a potentially large payoff. Even when the odds are stacked against you, if you really like the potential payoff, like in the lottery for example, you’ll likely overestimate your odds of success.
If you speed on your way to work every day, you’ll greatly underestimate the danger you’re putting yourself in.
We can be influenced by the media in how we perceive risk. If you are constantly exposed to news stories about a rare disease, you’re more likely to think your chances of contracting the disease are higher, even if all the news stories are only reporting on isolated incidents.
How will this help me achieve my goal? It is important to examine your bigger goals and look at how this risk plays into that goal. For example, if you are hoping to gain more money, look at how opening your own business could help you with that goal as you examine your risk. • What are the alternatives? Sometimes we look at risk as if we only have two choices—take the risk or pass it up. But, often, there are many different types of opportunities that can help you reach your goals.
How good would it be if the best-case scenario came true? Spend some time really thinking about the payoff in a risk and how that payoff could impact your life.
What is the worst thing that could happen and how could I reduce the risk it will occur? It’s also important to really examine the worst-possible scenario and then think about steps you could take to minimize the risk that it would happen.
How much will this decision matter in five years? To help you keep things in perspective, ask yourself how much this particular risk is likely to impact your future. If it’s a small risk, you probably won’t even remember it a few years from now.
Prior to his death in 2007, Psychology Today named Albert Ellis the “greatest living psychologist.” Ellis was known for teaching people how to challenge their self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. He didn’t just teach these principles, he also lived them.
But Ellis didn’t despair. Instead, it reinforced to him that he could tolerate taking risks even when he feared rejection. By facing his fears, Ellis recognized his irrational thoughts that had made him more fearful of taking risks.
Branson acknowledges his risks are “strategic judgments, not blind gambles.” Success won’t find you. You have to pursue it. Stepping into the unknown to take carefully calculated risks can help you reach your dreams and fulfill your goals.
Also, take note about which opportunities you are passing up. This can help ensure that you are taking the risks that could benefit you the most, even the kind that cause some anxiety.
Spending time calculating each risk before making a decision Practicing taking risks and monitoring the results so you can learn from each risk you take
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL Basing your decisions about risk on how you feel Avoiding the types of risk that stir up the most fear Allowing irrational thoughts to influence your willingness to try something new Ignoring the facts or not making an effort to learn more when you lack the information you need to make the best choice
We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present. —MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
Gradually, Gloria began to accept the reality that while she wasn’t an idyllic mother, punishing herself for that today would not change the past. She also began to recognize that her current behavior toward her daughter wasn’t making amends but instead enabling her daughter’s self-destructive behavior. Armed with her new attitude, Gloria created some rules and set limits with her daughter.
Although Gloria hadn’t yet completely forgiven herself for the past, she recognized that the only thing worse than being a bad parent for eighteen years would be to be a bad parent for another eighteen years.
Sometimes people dwell on the things that happened years ago, while others tend to dwell on whatever happened last week.
You replay past memories in your mind like a scene from a movie over and over again. You sometimes imagine saying or doing something differently in past memories to try and create a different outcome.
You feel ashamed of your past. When you make a mistake or experience an embarrassing episode, you keep repeatedly replaying the event in your mind. You invest a lot of time in thinking about all the things you “should have” or “could have” done differently. Although self-reflection is healthy, dwelling can be self-destructive,
Lingering guilt, shame, and anger are just a few of the feelings that can keep you stuck in the past.
DWELLING ON THE PAST DISTRACTS YOU FROM THE PRESENT
Often, we romanticize the past as a way to escape problems in the present. If, for example, you’re not happy in your current relationship, or if you’re not in a relationship at all, it may be tempting to spend a lot of time thinking about a past love. Perhaps you wish that your last relationship had worked out or you still think if you’d married your high school sweetheart, you’d be better off.
The truth is, we don’t know what life would have had in store for us had we not made those choices. But it’s easy for us to imagine that life could be better if we could only change the past.
Here are some of the ways that dwelling on the past can interfere with your ability to be your best self: • You miss out on the present. You can’t enjoy the present if your mind is constantly stuck in the past. You’ll miss out on experiencing new opportunities and celebrating the joys of today if you’re distracted by things that have already occurred.
Dwelling on the past can lead to depression. Ruminating on negative events conjures up negative emotions. And when you feel sad, the more likely you are to conjure up even more sad memories. Dwelling on past times can be a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck in the same emotional state.
Romanticizing the past—the grass-is-greener philosophy—isn’t helpful. It’s easy to convince yourself that you felt happier, more confident, and completely carefree back then. But there’s a good chance you’re exaggerating how great things used to be. It can also make you exaggerate how bad things are now.
Once Gloria recognized that she could learn from her past, rather than just beating herself up over it, her thinking shifted.
Instead of battling to suppress the memories, remind yourself, I can think about that after dinner tonight. Then, after dinner, give yourself twenty minutes to think about it. When your time is up, move on to something else.
Our memories aren’t as accurate as we think they are. Often, when we recall unpleasant events, we exaggerate and catastrophize them. If you think about something you said during a meeting that you later regretted, you may envision that other people were reacting much more negatively than they actually did.
Focus on the lessons you learned. If you’ve endured hard times, focus on what you’ve learned from that experience. Accept that it happened and think about how you may be a changed person because of it,
Some of the best life lessons can be learned from the toughest times you’ve endured. • Think about the facts, not the emotion. Thinking about negative events can be very distressing because you’ll likely focus on how you felt during the event. But if you recall an event by walking yourself through the facts and details of the memory, your distress decreases.
Look at the situation differently. When you review your past, examine what other ways there are to look at the same situation. You have control over how you weave the story. The same story can be told countless ways and still be true.
Many people wrongly believe that the amount of time you grieve over someone is directly proportional to the amount of love you had for someone.
But the truth is, there isn’t a right amount of time to grieve. In fact, you may grieve for years, or even forever, but the amount of sadness you feel doesn’t equate to the amount of love you had for that person.
If you find yourself ruminating on some aspect of your past, you may need to take action to make peace with the past. Here are some ways to make peace with the past: • Give yourself permission to move forward.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting something happened. If someone hurt you, you can forgive them while still deciding not to have any more contact, for example. Instead, focus on letting go so you don’t stay consumed with the hurt and anger.
Change behavior that keeps you stuck in the past. If you find yourself avoiding certain activities—because you are afraid it will drudge up bad memories or because you feel like you don’t deserve to do them—consider doing them anyway.
Professional counseling can help reduce the distress associated with traumatic memories so you can move forward more productively.
Refusing to dwell on the past doesn’t mean you pretend the past didn’t happen. In fact, it often means embracing and accepting your experiences so you can live in the present. Doing so frees up your mental energy and allows you to plan for your future based on who you want to become, not who you used to be.
WHAT’S HELPFUL Reflecting on the past enough that you can learn from it
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL Trying to pretend the past didn’t happen
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. —JOHN POWELL
Kristy spent a couple of sessions examining why she kept making the same mistake over and over. She discovered that she really didn’t know how to discipline the kids without yelling, and she wasn’t going to be able to stop yelling at her kids until she had a plan about what to do instead. So we worked on various strategies she could use to respond to disrespectful and defiant behavior.
Sometimes we just don’t learn the first time. But there are steps we can take to avoid repeating the unhealthy mistakes that hold us back from reaching our goals.
it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were younger.
And when we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain any true understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future.
