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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Amy Morin
The first step is to develop self-awareness by identifying when you blame external circumstances and other people for how you think, feel, and behave.
My boss makes me so mad.” You may not like your boss’s behavior, but does he really make you feel angry? Perhaps your boss behaves in a manner that you don’t like and it may influence how you feel, but he’s not forcing you to feel anything.
• “My mom makes me feel really bad about myself because she’s always so critical of me.” As an adult, are you obligated to listen to your mother make critical statements about you over and over?
• “I have to invite my in-laws over for dinner every Sunday night.” Do your in-laws really force you to do that or is that a choice you make because it’s important to your family?
I asked Rachel how she reacted when her daughter refused to follow her directions. Out of exasperation, she told me, she yelled and argued with her. Each time her daughter said, “No!,” Rachel yelled, “Do it!” Rachel didn’t realize it, but she was giving her daughter a lot of power.
Make a conscious choice to think about how you want to behave before you react to other people.
The more emotional you feel, the less rational you’ll think. Learn to recognize your personal warning signs of anger—such
While criticism can sometimes open our eyes to how others perceive us so we can make positive change—a friend points out a bad habit, or a spouse helps you see your selfish behavior—at
Instead of saying, “I have to go to work tomorrow,” remind yourself that it’s a choice. If you choose not to go to work, there will be consequences.
When you take responsibility for your own behavior, you’ll become accountable for your progress toward your goals.
Many mental health problems are linked to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. When you decide not to give other people and external circumstances the power to control how you feel and behave, you gain more power over your mental health.
When you hold a grudge, those feelings of anger and resentment do nothing to lessen the other person’s life.
Over the years, many studies have shown that holding a grudge keeps your body in a state of stress.
You don’t have any control over whether someone will apologize.
WHAT’S HELPFUL Using language that acknowledges your choice such as, “I’m choosing to . . .”
Behaving proactively by making conscious choices about how you’ll respond to others Taking full responsibility for how you choose to spend your time and energy
Willingness to examine feedback and criticism without jumping to conclusions
Reacting to others and then blaming them for the way you handled yourself Doing things you don’t want to do and then blaming others for “making” you do it
THEY DON’T SHY AWAY FROM CHANGE It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t . . . It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not. —JAMES GORDON
It was clear that he was trying to change too much too fast, which is a recipe for failure. I recommended he choose one thing to change at a time and for the first week, he said he’d give up the cookies he usually ate at his desk during the afternoon. It was important to find something to replace that habit with—and he decided he would try snacking on carrot sticks instead.
Although it’s often easy to say you want to change, successfully making a change is hard. Our thoughts and emotions often prevent us from creating behavioral change, even when it will improve our lives. Many people shy away from making changes that can drastically improve their lives.
You think a lot about making changes but put off doing anything different until later.
You hesitate to do anything new because it just seems like too big of a commitment.
Choosing to do something different requires you to adapt your thinking and your behavior, which will likely bring up some uncomfortable emotions.
Deciding to have a child, for example, isn’t something you can do in steps. Once you have that baby, your life has irrevocably changed.
For example, if you want to feel less irritable all the time, you’ll need to examine the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to your irritability.
New Year’s resolutions are commonly broken, because we try to make changes based on a date and not because we’re really ready. And if you aren’t ready to create change, you likely won’t be successful at maintaining it.
Or maybe you worry about ending a relationship because you are afraid you won’t ever find anyone better. So you convince yourself to keep things the same, even if you’re not happy.
Many people associate change with discomfort. And often, they underestimate their ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies a behavioral change.
Shying away from change can have serious consequences.
Many problems that are waiting to be solved require you to do something different. But if you aren’t willing to try something new, those issues are likely to remain unresolved.
“My husband isn’t the same man I married thirty years ago.” I hear this all the time in my office, and my response is usually, “Let’s hope not.” I hope everyone grows and changes over the course of thirty years.
The longer you keep the same habits, the harder they can be to break. Sometimes people put off change until the right time. They say things like “I’ll look for a new job when things calm down” or “I’ll worry about losing weight after the holidays.” But, often, the perfect time to do something never arises. The longer change gets delayed, the harder it is to do.
If you start by changing your life, you can begin to make a difference in the lives of other people.
When you think about making a change, how do you feel? For example: • Are you nervous that the change won’t last? • Do you feel exhausted at the sheer thought of doing something different? • Are you worried about your ability to follow through with the change? • Are you scared things may get worse? • Are you sad that you’ll have to give something up? • Are you uncomfortable even admitting a problem exists?
Don’t allow your emotions to make the final decision. Sometimes you have to be willing to change, even when you don’t “feel like it.” Balance your emotions with rational thinking.
But, if you can rationally identify how change will be best for you in the long term, it may make sense to tolerate the discomfort.
Be on the alert for these types of thoughts that will tempt you to shy away from change: • This will never work. • I can’t handle doing something different. • It will be too hard.
CREATE A SUCCESSFUL PLAN FOR CHANGE Preparing for the change can be the most important step. Create a plan for how you’ll implement the change and how you’ll stick to it.
He started each day with the best of intentions, but by the evening, he slid back into his old habits. It wasn’t until he began focusing on what he could do today that he was able to start making helpful behavioral changes. By establishing smaller goals, such as losing five pounds, he was able to create action steps that he could do each day.
Create a goal for what you would like to accomplish in the next thirty days. Sometimes people try to change everything all at once. Identify one goal that you want to focus on first and establish a realistic expectation for what you’d like to see change in one month’s time.
Anticipate obstacles along the way. Make a plan for how you will respond to specific challenges that you’re likely to encounter.
Monitor your progress. Determine how you’ll keep track of your progress. Keeping a record of your efforts and daily achievements can help you stay motivated to maintain changes.
BEHAVE LIKE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BECOME
Sometimes change results in a complete transformation that could alter the entire course of your life.
Positive change leads to increased motivation and increased motivation leads to more positive change. Embracing change is a two-way street.
Pay attention to the way you handle change. Watch out for warning signs that you may be avoiding important change that could ultimately improve your life. Although change can feel uncomfortable, you won’t be able to increase your mental strength unless you’re willing to grow and improve.
Setting a realistic time frame to establish and reach your goals
It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking we have the power to always pull the strings can become problematic. Do you respond positively to any of these points below? You spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent anything bad from happening. You invest energy into wishing other people would change. When faced with a tough situation, you think you can single-handedly fix everything. You believe the outcome of any situation is entirely based on how much effort you choose to exert. You assume that good luck has nothing to do with success.
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We can’t possibly make all our circumstances and all the people in our lives fit into the way we think things should be. When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you’ll be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats.
