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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Amy Morin
Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about? Rather than focusing on managing your anxiety, you try controlling your environment. The desire to fix everything can also stem from a sort of superhero complex.
The psychology field refers to this as your locus of control. People with an external locus of control believe that their lives depend highly on fate, luck, or destiny. They’re more likely to believe “Whatever’s meant to be will be.” People with an internal locus of control believe they have complete control over their future.
Trying to maintain complete control leads to increased anxiety. Efforts to manage your anxiety by trying to control everything in your environment will backfire. The more unsuccessful your attempts to control the situation are, the more anxious you’ll become. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy as you see that you aren’t able to fully control the outcome.
Attempting to control everything wastes time and energy. Worrying about things outside of your control wastes mental energy.
Being a control freak damages relationships. Telling people what they should do or how to do things right isn’t likely to attract many friends.
You’ll judge others harshly. If you credit all your success in life to your abilities, you’ll criticize people who haven’t achieved the same. In fact, people with a high internal locus of control tend to suffer from loneliness because they feel irritable that other people aren’t keeping up with their standards. • You’ll unnecessarily blame yourself for everything. You can’t prevent bad things from happening all the time.
Take notice of times when you’ve devoted too much energy to people and circumstances that you just couldn’t change. Remind yourself that there’s a lot you can’t control:
Acknowledging your fears, and developing an understanding of them, will help you begin to recognize what is within your control and what isn’t.
When you notice you have a lot of anxiety about a situation, do what you can to manage your reaction and influence the outcome. But recognize that you can’t control other people, and you can’t ever have complete control over the end result.
Listen first, speak second. Other people are often less defensive when they feel like you’ve taken the time to hear what they have to say. • Share your opinion and concerns, but only share it once.
Point out the positive. If someone is making a genuine effort to create change, whether it’s to stop smoking or start exercising, offer some genuine praise.
Imagine a man stuck in a traffic jam. Traffic hasn’t moved an inch for twenty minutes and he’s running late for a meeting. He starts yelling, swearing, and banging his fists on the steering wheel. He wants so much to be in control that he just can’t tolerate the fact that he’s going to be late.
Contrast that person with someone in the car next to him who turns on the radio and chooses to sing along to some of his favorite tunes while he waits. He figures, I’ll get there when I can. He uses his time and energy wisely because he knows he has no control over when traffic will start moving again. Instead, he tells himself, There are millions of cars on the road every day. Sometimes traffic jams are bound to happen.
They could leave earlier, take a different route, use public transportation,
Even though you might not like the situation you’re in, you can choose to accept it. You can accept that your boss is mean, that your mother doesn’t approve of you, or that your kids aren’t striving to be high achievers. That doesn’t mean you can’t work toward influencing them by changing your behavior, but it does mean you can stop trying to force them to be different.
the people who understand that they can take a lot of steps to control their lives while also recognizing the limitations of their ability are happier than people who think they can control everything.
Research indicates that people who stop trying to control everything experience an increased sense of belonging and community.
Research shows that it’s possible to become so focused on ensuring you’ll be successful, you could actually overlook opportunities that could help you advance.
Keeping the emphasis on influencing others rather than controlling them
We also reviewed her desire to be liked by everyone. Her biggest fear was that other people would think she was selfish. However, after a few therapy sessions she began to recognize that her need to always be liked was actually much more selfish than saying no to someone. Helping others really wasn’t about improving their lives; she was mostly giving of herself because she wanted to be held in higher regard. Once she changed the way she thought about people pleasing, she was able to begin changing her behavior.
In fact, she wasn’t even sure how to say no. She thought she needed an excuse but she didn’t want to lie. But I encouraged her to simply say something like “No, I’m not able to do that,” without providing a lengthy reason why. She began practicing saying no and she found that the more she did it, the easier it became.
Attempts to be a “nice person” can backfire when your behavior crosses over into people pleasing. It can take a serious toll on all areas of your life and make it impossible to reach your goals.
Megan strived to develop a reputation as someone who could always meet other people’s needs. Her self-worth was fueled by the way other people seemed to perceive her.
Sometimes the desire to avoid conflict stems from childhood. If you were raised by parents who were constantly bickering, you may have learned that conflict is bad and keeping people happy is the best way to prevent arguments.
Putting other people first can also become a way to feel needed and important. I’m worth something if I can make other people feel happy. So it becomes a habit to always invest energy into other people’s feelings and lives.
YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AREN’T ALWAYS TRUE
If you’re constantly doing things to make others happy and you don’t think they are appreciative of your efforts, you’ll soon experience resentment.
When faced with such a decision, people pleasers will often choose to risk not pleasing the person closest to them. They know that their spouse will eventually get over being offended. Unfortunately, this leaves the people you love the most feeling hurt or angry. Shouldn’t we do the opposite? Shouldn’t we work the hardest on the most intimate and special relationships?
Ever met someone who behaves like a martyr? Such individuals’ attempts to please others actually becomes a turnoff. They’re constantly saying things like “I do everything around here” or “If I don’t do it, no one will.” Martyrs risk becoming angry, bitter people, as their attempts to make others happy backfire.
Could you easily list your top five values off the top of your head? Most people can’t. But if you aren’t really clear on your values, how do you know where to put your energy, and how to make the best decisions?
Maintaining good friendships • Taking care of your physical health • Having a sense of purpose • Leisure activities • Pleasing people • Education
When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself these questions before responding: • Is this something I want to do? Most people pleasers don’t even know what they want because they’re so used to doing things automatically. Take a moment to evaluate your opinion. • What will I have to give up by doing this?
What will I gain by doing this? Maybe it will give you an opportunity to improve your relationship, or maybe doing something like this will likely be something you enjoy. Think about the potential benefits of saying yes. • How will I feel if I do it? Are you likely to feel angry and resentful? Or will you feel happy and proud?
When you say no, you can say something such as “I wish I could but I’m not going to be able to do that” or “Sorry, but I won’t be able to.”
You don’t have to be demanding or rude, but instead, remain respectful and polite. Express your feelings and stick to the facts. Use “I” statements, such as “I’m frustrated that you’re always thirty minutes late,” instead of “You’re never on time.”
If you’re only doing something to make someone else happy, you’ll struggle to reach your goal. You’ll be motivated to keep up the good work if you’re convinced it’s the best choice for you.
Practicing tolerating uncomfortable emotions associated with conflict and confrontation
Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. —RALPH WALDO EMERSON
RISK AVERSION We face many risks in our lives—financial, physical, emotional, social, and business risks to name a few, but often people avoid taking the risks that could help them reach their full potential because they’re afraid.
A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear. And fearing risk often leads to avoidance.
His thoughts about taking another risk were immensely negative. He imagined himself becoming bankrupt or risking his entire retirement to open a business that would fail. His exaggeratedly negative thoughts led to fear and anxiety that prevented him from taking action. It never occurred to him to find ways to decrease his risk and increase his chances of success.
EMOTION PREVAILS OVER LOGIC Even when our emotions lack any type of rational basis, we sometimes allow those feelings to prevail. Instead of thinking about “what could be . . .” we focus on “what if.” But risks don’t have to be reckless.
We base our decisions on emotion instead of logic. We incorrectly assume there’s a direct correlation between our fear level and the risk level. But often, our emotions are just not rational. If we truly understood how to calculate risk, we’d know which risks were worth taking and we’d be a lot less fearful about taking them.
To calculate risk, we must predict the probability that the outcome of our behavior will result in either positive or negative consequences and then measure how big of an impact those consequences will have.
Your thoughts about the risk will influence the way you feel, and ultimately, sway your behavior.
The truth is, most of us don’t really invest much time calculating which risks to take and which risks to avoid. Instead, we base our decisions on emotions or habit. If it sounds too scary, we avoid the risk. If we’re excited about the possible benefits, we’re more likely to overlook the risk.
When he thought about opening a business, however, he felt like he’d be jumping off a cliff without a safety harness. What Dale didn’t calculate was the emotional toll that avoiding risk was having on him. Not following his dream affected his mood because it changed the way he thought about himself
Fear leads many people to incorrectly assume that germs pose a much higher risk than they actually do, because in the reality, bacteria-free environments may pose a greater threat to our health than the germs. It’s important to be aware of your emotions throughout the decision-making process.
Clearly, there was a chance that he may not ever earn back the money he invested in starting the business, but after thinking it through, that was a calculated risk he was willing to accept.
Your feelings may be very unreliable. The more emotional you feel, the less logical your thoughts will be. Increase your rational thoughts about the risk you’re facing to balance out your emotional reaction.
