More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Amy Morin
the only thing worse than investing ten years into something unhealthy or unproductive is investing ten years and one day.
Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes? You might be getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into one bad relationship after another because it’s all she knows. She may keep dating men all within the same social circle who have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep turning to alcohol when he feels stressed because he doesn’t know how to cope with problems sober.
And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable with success that they sabotage their own efforts. When things are going well, they may feel anxious while waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they resort to their old self-destructive behavior and repeat the same mistakes.
Kristy recognized that yelling at her kids every day wasn’t helpful. She wasn’t teaching them how to solve problems effectively, and they were learning that yelling was acceptable behavior. The more she yelled at them, the more they yelled right back at her.
she devoted so much time and energy into losing weight only to keep gaining it right back. Every time she lost the weight she relaxed a little. She’d allow herself to have a second helping with dinner or she’d celebrate with ice cream. She’d find an excuse to skip a few workouts and before she knew it, she was gaining weight again.
Whether you’re trying to lose weight for the fifth time or you’re working on quitting smoking for the tenth time, if you keep repeating the same mistakes, you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll stay stuck at the same point and won’t be able to move forward.
You’ll never be able to solve a problem until you do something differently.
If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time studying it. Set any negative feelings you might have aside, acknowledge the factors that led up to your misstep, and learn from it.
maybe you get into the same argument with your spouse repeatedly because the issue never really resolves itself. Examine what thoughts, behaviors, and external factors contributed to the mistake.
What can I do differently next time? Saying you’re not going to make a mistake again and actually doing it are two very separate things. Think about what you can do differently next time to avoid making the same mistake. Identify clear strategies you can use to avoid resorting to your old behavior.
To avoid returning to their previous habits, they needed to make some serious lifestyle changes. For most people, that meant they had to find a new social circle. They couldn’t go back to hanging around their old friends who used drugs or drank heavily.
The people who were most successful in their recovery followed their plans. Those who went back to their old lifestyles tended to relapse because they couldn’t resist making the same mistakes. There were just too many unhealthy temptations when they returned to their previous environments.
Follow these steps to create a written plan that will help you avoid repeating your mistakes: 1. Establish behavior that will replace previous behavior.
Identify warning signs that you’re headed down the wrong path again.
Find a way to hold yourself accountable. It’ll be more difficult to hide your mistakes or ignore them when you’re being held accountable. Talking to a trusted friend or relative who is willing to hold you accountable and point out your blunders can be helpful.
Practice tolerating discomfort. Whether you’re feeling lonely and you’re tempted to text message that ex who isn’t good for you or you’re craving a sweet treat that will blow your diet, practice tolerating the discomfort. Although people often convince themselves if they “give in just this once” it will help, research shows otherwise. Each time you give in you reduce your self-control.
Use positive self-talk. Realistic affirmations can help you resist temptation in moments of weakness. Saying things like “I can do this”
Impose restrictions on yourself. If you know you’re likely to spend too much money when you’re out with friends, only take a small amount of cash with you. Take steps that make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to give in when you’re faced with temptation. • Create a list of all the reasons why you don’t want to repeat your mistake. Carry this list with you.
Learning from each mistake requires self-awareness and humility, but it can be one of the biggest keys to reaching your full potential.
Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. —NELSON MANDELA
Deep down, however, Dan valued time with his family more than his possessions. And the more we talked about the type of lifestyle he was living, the more disgusted he felt with himself. He knew he’d rather spend time with his family than work overtime to buy them more things. Slowly, Dan began to change the way he thought about his behavior, and he focused more on his own goals and his own values, rather than keeping up with the neighbors.
Resentment of others’ success is also a result of deep-rooted insecurities. It’s hard to be happy about a friend’s accomplishments when you feel bad about yourself. When you’re insecure, someone else’s success will seem to magnify your shortcomings.
YOUR VIEW OF OTHER PEOPLE ISN’T ACCURATE You never actually know what goes on behind closed doors. Dan had no idea what type of problems his neighbors may have actually been experiencing.
You’ll never be content with what you have. If you’re always trying to keep up with other people, you’ll never feel a sense of peace with what you have.
If you don’t feel good about who you are, it’s important to examine what the reason might be. Perhaps you aren’t behaving in a way that builds healthy self-worth. If that’s the case, examine what you can do differently in your life to bring your behavior in line with your values and your goals.
Avoid comparing yourself to other people. Comparing yourself to others is like comparing apples and oranges.
Develop an awareness of your stereotypes. Work on getting to know people instead of automatically judging them based on stereotypes.
Focus on your strengths, skills, and abilities. • Quit magnifying other people’s strengths.
Stop trying to determine what’s fair. Don’t allow yourself to focus on things that aren’t fair.
When you’re able to be happy about other people’s accomplishments, you’ll attract—rather than repel—successful people. Surrounding yourself with others who are working hard to reach their goals can be good for you. You may gain motivation, inspiration, and information that can help you along your journey.
Everyone’s path to success is different and it’s important to recognize that your journey is unique.
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL Chasing after everyone else’s dreams Imagining how much better everyone else’s lives are Constantly comparing yourself to everyone around you Diminishing other people’s achievements Treating everyone like they’re your direct competition
While some people are motivated by failure to do better the next time, other people simply give up. Do any of these points resonate with you? You worry about being perceived as a failure by other people. You only like to participate in things where you’re likely to excel.
One person may worry that he’ll disappoint his parents while another person may worry that she’s too fragile to handle another setback. Rather than facing these fears, many people simply avoid risking another failure, which we associate with shame.
Finally, many people give up because they have a fixed mind-set about their abilities. They don’t think that they have any control over their level of talent so they don’t bother improving and trying again after failure. They think if you weren’t born with a God-given talent to do something, there’s no use in trying to learn.
If you’re afraid of failure, you’ll be less likely to learn from mistakes and, therefore, less likely to try again.
Deliberate practice is more important than natural talent. Although we’re often led to believe that we’re either gifted with natural-born talent or we aren’t, most talents can be cultivated through hard work. Research studies have found that after ten years of daily practice, people can surpass others with natural talent in chess, sports, music, and the visual arts.
Grit, defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals, has been shown to be a much more accurate predictor of achievement than IQ.
Attributing failure to a lack of ability leads to learned helplessness.
Don’t allow inaccurate beliefs about your abilities to hold you back from becoming successful. Spend some time thinking about your beliefs surrounding failure. Look at your path to success as a marathon and not a sprint. Accept that failure is part of the process that helps you learn and grow.
If you think failure is terrible, you’ll struggle to try a task over again if you’ve already failed at it once.
Can you improve your skills even if you aren’t initially successful? By thinking about what you can learn from the experience, you’ll be more likely to accept that failure is part of the process.
Replace the irrational thoughts with these realistic reminders: • Failure is often part of the journey to success. • I can handle failure. • I can learn from my failures. • Failure is a sign that I’m challenging myself and I can choose to try again.
WHAT’S HELPFUL Viewing failure as a learning opportunity Resolving to try again if your first attempt was not successful Facing your fear of failure Developing a new plan to increase your chance of success Identifying and replacing irrational thoughts about failure
THEY DON’T FEAR ALONE TIME All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone. —BLAISE PASCAL
Over the next few weeks she tried several other activities, including meditation and mindfulness exercises. To her surprise, she found a few minutes of meditation each morning to be one of the highlights of the day. And she said she felt like her mind was “quieter.”
Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals.
Keeping an overbooked calendar also helps people feel important. The more your phone rings, and the more plans you make, the more important you must be. Staying busy also serves as a wonderful distraction.
You can talk on the phone almost anywhere, use social media to be in constant contact with people, and send text messages the second you have a spare moment. You can virtually avoid being alone with your thoughts almost every minute of the day.
some individuals just don’t feel comfortable being alone. They’ve grown accustomed to chaos, incessant noise, and constant activity.
