Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

Just because you’ve hated the feeling of tension and avoided conflict in the past, doesn’t mean you’ll never be able to tolerate those feelings and break through.

Top 10 Reasons We Don’t Speak Up 1. I don’t want to offend people or hurt their feelings. 2. I don’t want to feel guilty afterwards. 3. I don’t want people to think I’m rude, mean, arrogant, pushy, or “an asshole.” 4. I don’t want people to say yes because I made them. 5. I don’t want people to get angry and retaliate (directly or later on). 6. I don’t want to make things worse. 7. I don’t want to get flustered, show strong emotion, start crying, or show they “got to me.” 8. I don’t want people to see me as needy, demanding, or “high maintenance.” 9. I don’t want people to judge me (for how I’m feeling, what I think, or what I want). 10. I don’t want to do it wrong, lose my train of

Being passive is really your only option if you don't want any of the feared outcomes listed in the chart above. If you've been taught, or convinced yourself, that speaking up is high risk with many possible negative outcomes, you will avoid doing so. This forces you into the passive stance. In this mode of communication, you don’t speak up for yourself, say what you like or dislike, or ask for what you want. But this poses a dilemma, because you are a human animal with natural desires and needs. So how do you attempt to meet these? Why, passively of course. This means we silently hope people will know what we want and give it to us.

If we don't get what we want, or if someone does something we don't like, we get angry. This anger remains internal, however. Because to share it or show it leads to painful or threatening outcomes, so we dare not do that. So where does it go? Down into our bodies, messing with our energy levels and overall mood.

The only way to express anger while in the passive mode is indirectly. This way we can always deny that we were angry. For example, we might let out a heavy sigh when asked to do something. If the person asks us if something is wrong we say, “no, I’m fine.” We might be more distant, share less, be harder to get a hold of, or otherwise withdraw from the relationship. Or we might make slightly cutting comments or jokes that have an edge or sting to them. Or we may say things that induce guilt in others, subtly implying they’re taking too much, not appreciative, or otherwise hurting us.

When asked or confronted about any of this, we simply deny it. And for many people who are rooted in the passive mode, they might not even be aware they are doing it. This kind of behavior has been labeled “passive-aggressive” and has a negative connotation in our culture. No one wants to be accused of behaving that way. But that way of being is inevitable if we don't have permission to speak up.

The core mindset of the passive mode is this: Other people's wants and needs matter more than my own. Speaking up is dangerous and generally leads to bad outcomes. It's best to be nice—extra nice—and then others will give you what you want and life will flow your way. Besides, I don't want to be one of those aggressive assholes anyway.

It's rare for someone to spend their entire lives in just one mode. Hence, many people who are predominantly passive will hold all their anger and frustration inside, only to go crazy-balls Hulk at a random time in their life. Often times the aggression comes out most with family, children, spouses, and other people who are unlikely to leave us (at least right away). Passive with our boss, aggressive with our kids, for example.

Assertiveness

Atkaklumas

If passive is on the far left of the pendulum swing and aggressive is on the far right, then assertiveness would be in the middle. It combines the beneficial elements of both the passive and aggressive modes of communication. The core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t like it. That’s just how relationships work. This realistic approach to communication requires that we know what we want.

There is great power in the assertive mode of communication. We can be more direct, more up front, and clear. We reduce patterns of beating around the bush and implying things, and instead simply say more of what we really mean. This makes us much more effective communicators. It also helps you get more of what you want. And, surprisingly, it actually makes others like you more.

If I express anger, others will find a way to hurt me, so we avoid all actions that might lead to conflict or difficult conversations. Or our map tells us: If I disappoint someone, they’ll fire me, dump me, or leave me in some way.

people are not porcelain dolls that will shatter if you speak the truth. People are strong and can handle life. And when you treat them that way, you’re treating them with the respect and dignity they deserve.

Keep in mind, however, that the person you’re speaking with is only upset now, in this moment. Time passes and feelings shift. Nothing is permanent, especially in the ethereal realm of human emotion. You can also remind yourself that the upset is in service of creating a richer relationship, deeper connection, a better professional environment, etc.

Upset really is temporary. This can create relief and spaciousness to be yourself and share more freely. Even if someone is temporarily upset by what you say or do, it’s not permanent. If someone does get upset and then withdraws and turns it into a permanent grudge or hatred of you... look out. That is not someone you want in your life. They have a strong need to feel certain and significant by making others bad and wrong, and are unlikely to meet their needs in more healthy, positive, growth-oriented ways. They’re probably not the optimal person to be in any sort of relationship with.

People crave real connection and authentic communication. Most of them are just too scared to initiate it themselves. And yes, there is a way to be skillfully honest and tactfully express ourselves when it comes to difficult subjects.

the importance of not seeing others as victims of circumstance, even if they see themselves that way. The key now is to upgrade your map so you stop subconsciously assuming everyone’s a victim who can’t handle things, blames others for everything, and doesn’t take responsibility for their life.

When you speak up about something, you can get a sense of closure. If you don’t, your mind has an unresolved, unexpressed energy that drives you nuts. It can create pent up feelings, resentment, and endless rumination about the situation. But speaking up in the moment, or soon afterwards, can dissipate all of that, even if you don’t reach a perfect resolution and solve everything immediately.

Speaking up is about self-expression, and the more you express yourself, the less bothered you’ll be afterwards.

Then I realized that if I’m really bothered after an interaction, and it lasts for more than a few minutes, that’s a sign of suppression. It means I held myself back, played nice, and didn’t speak my mind. It’s a signal to speak up more and, most likely, be less nice.

Most nice people don’t think they deserve much attention or focus when interacting with others. They tend to keep the conversation focused on the other person, asking them questions, and sharing less about themselves. They don’t want to be an egomaniac or attention hog who just talks about themselves. In fact, being the center of attention is often uncomfortable,

What would serve you more is to have a healthy expectation of attention in a conversation. This means you think you deserve attention, for others to be present with you, and listen to what you are saying. What you say is significant and it matters, because it’s about you. Even if it’s you simply sharing something you read, or an experience you recently enjoyed in your life. That matters, because you matter.

So, the next time you’re speaking with someone and they don’t seem that interested in you and what you’re sharing, pound the table with your fist and loudly shout, “Do you know who I am?!” No, I’m kidding. Actually, just notice it. Acknowledge that it’s happening and notice that it doesn’t feel good to you. Remind yourself you deserve better than this and act accordingly. Maybe you end the conversation and go talk with someone else.

We have to insert ourselves–into conversations, into groups, into people’s lives.

when someone asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it.”

Anything about your life that is interesting to you, is interesting. It matters. If we see it this way, and share it this way, it tends to have a different impact on others as well. If you let your natural enthusiasm, passion, or interest for something show, other people tend to be way more engaged and responsive.

Take a moment to reflect on these kinds of interactions in your own work. What prevents you from speaking with assertiveness and authority in those situations? Here are the most frequent fears: · Fear of being wrong. · Fear of being embarrassed. · The assumption that other people’s ideas are better. · Fear of people seeing you’re nervous. · Fear of being challenged in front of others and “losing.” See any you like? Want to take them all home with you? Here’s the fundamental truth about fear. Fear unchallenged grows stronger and eventually controls you. Fear faced dissolves as your power grows exponentially.

If you have any of these stories rattling around in the back of your head, it’s time to let them go: I don’t know enough yet. I’m not as smart as others. Everyone is more skilled and better than I am. I am a fraud. I am an impostor. I should know more than I do. If I say I can do something, I’ll fail. It’s best to avoid more responsibility and play small. These stories are toxic sludge. They aren’t true and they don’t serve you or anyone in your company or life.

Qualifiers are phrases we use before or after we speak up that are designed to soften what we say. When we’re insecure we can begin or end our statement with qualifiers that are apologetic and submissive. They are designed to diminish what we say, so as to not produce conflict, disagreement, or anything else we perceive as threatening. Some examples are: I’m sorry to put this out there, but… (statement) You’ll probably think this is wrong… (statement) I have an idea. It might not work, but… (statement) I’m sorry, but can I add something?... (statement) (statement)... I don’t know. (statement)... but that’s just my opinion. (statement)... but I don’t know as much about this as you do.

If the same person continues to interrupt you it can be helpful to call out the pattern. Some people would approach the person one-on-one, but I would call it out right when it's happening. “I notice you have been speaking up as I'm speaking, Jim. It seems like you're eager to share your perspective, yet I haven't finished mine. My preference would be to give each person space to finish their point, then to have a discussion about it. How do you imagine we could solve this problem?”

It’s important to realize that company status or position does not equal smarter, more talented, or better. There are many reasons someone achieves a high rank in a company. They could have been there earlier, or in the right place at the right time. They could be good at talking, connecting, and schmoozing. They could be good at sounding certain even when they’re unsure of what they’re talking about. They don’t necessarily know more or have some secret quality that makes them better.

The key to being less nice around your boss, senior management, and anyone else is to see through the company strata and look right at the person in front of you. The human being. The soft, fleshy pile of bones, organs, and skin. The one who has hopes, dreams, and fears, just like you.

sometimes we don’t even let ourselves imagine speaking directly and assertively. Instead, we fill our minds with excuses and rationalizations. We explain why the other person did what they did, and tell ourselves we need to be more flexible, patient, and relaxed. I should just let it go… Of course, sometimes it is good to let things go. But most of the time this is a fear of a direct conversation. In fact, that direct conversation where you address the challenges head on is the fastest and best way to actually let it go and move on. And since the need for these conversations arise at work, in your friendships, with family, and in your romantic relationship, learning how to handle them is essential. In fact, the quality of your life depends on how many of these uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have.

you will avoid these topics, reduce intimacy, grow distant, and live together-but-separate lives of loneliness and quiet desperation.

Notice that moment of internal resistance. It could come as irritation, impatience, or some other internal feeling of: Hey, I don’t like that. This is the exact opposite of the nice person's habit of over accommodating and assuming any dislike or upset is your problem. You might tell yourself to be more patient, more flexible, less judgmental, and more relaxed. I should just let it go and not be so bothered by it. This might sound like you aspiring to be a more enlightened person, but it’s actually a sneaky way to avoid conflict.

Step 2: What Do I Want? The next step is to tune into that internal resistance and get curious. Ask yourself: What’s happening here? Why am I upset? And, most importantly: What do I want to be different?

you can simply point out what you noticed to enter the conversation: “I noticed that you share a lot of the details of your remodel with me…” “I noticed that you like to put paper bags in that drawer…” “I noticed you scheduled eight appointments for Barry this week and only 3 appointments for me.” “I noticed I sent an email on Monday and you responded to me on Friday.” These are just a few examples among the millions of things you could notice in your interaction. The purpose is to bring up the challenging topic directly in a curious and neutral way. Using the phrase “I notice” removes an accusatory tone and allows the other person to be more receptive.

Ask questions and try to understand their model of the world, and why they are doing what they are doing. Again, tone is important here. You’re not a prosecutor cross-examining a witness: “Why did you give more appointments to Barry? I see. I see.

Our job here is to actually inquire and find out what’s happening. To see if we can get into their world and gain a better understanding, and to be open to the possibility that our knee-jerk interpretation might be slightly inaccurate.

As you listen, reflect on what you are hearing to make sure you understand it clearly: “So, you like to have a lot of paper bags around because you can use them for garbage or recycling?” “This remodel is a huge deal for you and your family and it helps to talk it through with someone, is that right?”

Notice the “is that right?” at the end of several of these examples. That is a simple, yet very powerful question to ask. First, it helps you know that you’re accurately reflecting what they’re saying. If you’re missing key details or misconstruing what they said, they will say “no.” If you are accurate, then they will say “yes.”

In order to really speak up for ourselves, we must share the impact someone’s behavior is having on us. Are you annoyed? Hurt? Angry? Sad? Disappointed? Feeling insignificant or unwanted? Then say so. Tell the other person what happens inside of you when they do X, Y, or Z.

be aware of using blaming language that makes the other person bad or wrong. They’re not responsible for your feelings and they didn’t “make you angry.” In fact, it’s worth getting curious about yourself, what buttons they pushed inside of you, and what you may need to address and heal. Instead of blaming, we want to take responsibility for our feelings and simply share what is happening.

Here are a few examples to help you get the difference. “When you put the bags there, I feel agitated. Whenever I try to open the drawer, bags pop out and fall on the ground. I get annoyed and don’t like cleaning it up each time.” “When you go deep into the specific details about your house model, I have a hard time following what you’re saying. It feels like too much to me and I lose interest and feel less connected with you.” “When I send out an email that requires a response and you do not respond for days, I feel uncertain about what’s happening. My mind keeps trying to figure out what’s going on and why you’re not responding. I feel frustrated and angry when days go by and I don’t hear back.”

Notice how I am taking responsibility for my own feelings and reactions and not blaming the other person or calling them names.

Sometimes, in an attempt to soften what we are saying, and not rock the boat, we smile or use a soft tone while sharing our upset. This sends a mixed message and confuses everyone.

Forming an agreement is simple once you’ve done the step of sharing what you want. You simply ask the other person how that sounds to them. Can they agree to do what you want? Do they have any hesitations or concerns? Do they want to do something different? The key here is to create a conversation that aligns everybody so each person takes ownership moving forward. If someone agrees to do something, and they chose to do so because they wanted to, they’re much more likely to do it.

After stating what you want, follow up with questions to see if that works for them: “How does that sound to you?” “Would you be willing to do it that way?” “Is there any reason why you wouldn’t want to?” “Is there anything that might get in the way?” And then, depending on the situation, I might specifically use the word “agreement” to highlight that we’re making an agreement.

do have at least one person in their life who regularly teases, mocks, or criticizes them. This kind of treatment is different than the teasing banter you may do with your friends or a romantic partner. That kind of teasing involves being connected, and has a playful give and take quality. You’re both in on the game and having fun, even though you’re poking each other a bit. What I’m speaking about here is different. It involves someone overtly criticizing you, using a harsh voice, calling you names, mocking you, or otherwise trying to diminish you and make you feel worthless.

“The opposite of nice is not to be an asshole or mean person. The opposite of nice is to be bold, direct, authentic, and powerful. It’s showing up with the energy and strength that’s needed most in that situation.”