Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

My life became more and more restricted. My perception of myself as having a weak body that was defective and destined for injury became more and more entrenched. Little did I know that it was all due to being too damn nice. What? How on earth could being too nice cause stomach pain, irritable bowel, TMJ, back pain, wrist pain, or plantar fasciitis? Those are physical conditions, aren’t they? Well, yes, and no. They are definitely physical conditions, and are extremely painful. There’s no denying that. However, the part that is misunderstood by many people is that they are not caused by a structural problem in your body, but an emotional problem.

When we were trained to be nice growing up, we learned that certain feelings are acceptable, such as happiness, gladness, gratitude and excitement. Other feelings, like sadness and fear are less acceptable and should be kept to a minimum. Other feelings, like anger and aggression are in their own category and never OK. Especially anger at family, loved ones, people who’ve done things for us, and so on. When an unacceptable feeling starts to form in our mind and body, our defenses kick in to keep it out of awareness. It’s tagged as “not OK,” and labeled as a threat. This can make us feel anxious simply about acknowledging and feeling an emotion.

Anger and rage at our boss, spouses, kids, neighbors, friends, or anyone else can be seen as highly threatening to our identity and sense of self. I am a good person. A loving person. A nice person. I don’t feel those terrible things. But what if these feelings start to build up to the point where we may notice them? Enter the ultimate defense: physical pain.

This is the perfect defense because it’s absorbing and distracting. Have you ever woken up with a neck so painfully sore that you could barely turn your head? How much do you think about that during the ...

The pain is completely absorbing and provides the ultimate distraction from our underlying threatening feelings. Now we’re stressed, afraid, and self-pitying. These feelings are miles away from the threatening rage or sadness underneath. Even better, the problem is viewed as entirely physical and structural. It’s because you slept wrong, lifted something wrong, moved wrong. You sat too long, sat too slumped, or your wrist was not at the right angle to your desk. You need physical and structural solutions, like a different chair, a chiropractic manipulation, or maybe even surgery. One hundred percent structural and one hundred percent safe from those terrifying emotions.

Here is a just a short list of some of the pains that can be caused by repressed emotion: stomach problems, acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn’s disease, eczema, skin rashes, allergies, temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ), repetitive strain injuries (RSI), tendonitis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, neck pain, upper or lower back pain, buttock pain, pain running down the legs, knee pain, ankle pain, foot pain (including bone spurs and plantar fasciitis).

At this point, any new pain or discomfort I feel, the first question I ask myself is, “what could be upsetting me in my life right now? What feelings might I not want to feel?” Then I start feeling emotions directly, and magically and consistently the pain subsides.

Living by these rules, you must put others first, be extremely accommodating, only do what others want, only express the parts of you that others will like, avoid speaking your mind, and be quiet and polite. These rules are robbing you of your power and force.

We try to be nice to others so they feel good around us and want to spend more time with us, whether it’s friends, colleagues, or a new lover. We show up as our best selves, hold back our judgments and criticisms, focus on other people, and are attentive, kind, generous, and caring. We do the right thing. We are good people.

This sense of isolation is another direct result of niceness. Because when we’re being nice and people respond well, something is a little off. They might like you, or even love you, but they don’t really know you. They know a part of you; they know your mask or persona. And while this might give you some connection in the form of people to hang out with and talk to, it doesn’t give you the connection you really seek.

How many more years of anxiety, resentment, physical pain, powerlessness, and isolation do you want to live with? These are important questions to ask yourself, because they will activate dissatisfaction with the way things are right now. That is a good thing. Because that discomfort can create a powerful force inside of you that steps up and says, “NO! No more.

take a few minutes to write out a list of all the ways that being too nice is holding you back in your life. What is it costing you? What has it caused you to miss? What pain does it force you to live in on a daily basis? Then consider the flip side. Write out what it would be like to be free of all this. What would your life be like if you weren’t afraid of other’s opinions? What if you could freely be yourself without worry about what they would think? What if you could say no when you needed to without guilt or fear? What if you could ask for what you wanted, and receive it much of the time? What if you could handle confrontations with calm and bold assertion? How would all this feel? What would this powerful version of you be able to create in your life?

Here is the three-step process for eliminating excessive niceness and becoming a much more authentic, confident version of you: 1. Decide to be not nice. 2. Do the not nice stuff that makes you scared and uncomfortable. 3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety, doubt, fear) afterwards. Then do it all again. If you continue in this process, and do not stop, over time you gain more power and stop being so anxious about other people’s opinions of you.

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What I saw in myself, and in clients who are breaking free from niceness, is an intense discomfort after being less nice in a situation. This can arise as guilt for what we said or did:

But if you can stick with it, and work through the discomfort of the backlash, this is the way out. This is your path to power, peace, confidence, and freedom. This is your path to reclaim yourself–the real you–who has been lost under layers of niceness, fear, and messages about who you “should” be.

Just write out a list of things you might do if you had no fear, no guilt, and no doubt in yourself. For example, maybe you were seeing images of yourself smiling at others as you met them, being charming and smooth. Maybe you saw yourself interrupting and shutting down Andy, that jerk who always interrupts you at work, or telling off Janet for all those times she lied to you.

This list in itself is extremely valuable. It gives you a window into all the ways you could grow. It highlights what is outside of your comfort zone, and all the ways you could become more bold and powerful right now. But we want to go even further. This list could change. Some of these items you may actually want to do, and some you might not want to do. Some might be outrageous or unwise to do at this time. I don’t know what’s on your list; but I do know this list points to your core desire to be a free, expressive, authentic human. This is more important than the specific items on your list. This is about your right to say, do, and be what you please—your rights as a liberated human.

Let’s make a list of those rights now. Drawing from the kinds of things you’d like to be able to do in the world, ask yourself: What are my rights? What am I allowed to do? What am I entitled to? When you ask yourself these questions, don’t look at the past. Don’t look to what mom or dad said was OK, or how you “should” be. Look inward, to your own heart, and tune into your own intuition. Look forward to the kind of person you want to be, the kind of person you’re destined to be. Imagine the most free, bold, happy, successful, authentic, and powerful version of you. What rights does he or she have?

I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do, for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an excuse. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to ask why and negotiate if someone initially says “no.” I have the right to offer anything to anyone, any number of times (and they have the right to say no). I have the right to change my mind; I do not always need to be logical and consistent. I have the right to ask questions whenever I’d like to know something. I have the right to disagree with others (even if they know more about the subject than I do). I have the right to share my perspective, even if someone might disagree or temporarily be uncomfortable. I have the right to make mistakes, mess up, or otherwise not be perfect. I have the right to not be responsible for others, including their feelings and problems. I have the right to take time and space to be by myself, even if others would prefer my company. I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wishes. If they have them, they can express them. I have the right to say yes to having sex, to enjoy sex, and to pause during sex to have a conversation. I have the right to be treated with respect. I have the right to expect honesty and integrity from others. I have the right to feel all of my feelings, including anger, grief, sadness, and fear. I have the right to feel grief about something for as long as that grief persists. I have the right to feel something or do...

This is something that the vast majority of people will never consciously think about. They’ll never take the time, energy, and focus to map out their own personal rights like you just did. This is a big step towards freeing yourself from your old nice programming and living life on your terms.

This list is your guiding force. Read it before you go to work in the morning. Read it before you have an intimidating meeting or presentation. Read it before you go out with friends or on a date. Read it before you spend time at the family gathering or go visit your parents for a weekend. Read it whenever you need to remind yourself of what you are allowed to do, regardless of what you were taught growing up.

The opposite of nice is not to be mean, cruel, harsh, attacking, careless, heartless, or bad. The opposite of nice is power, boldness, and authenticity.

Boldness is your ability to hurdle over risks and dive into the unknown. It’s your ability to break free from the herd, to do what others dare not–not because it’s too dangerous or reckless, but because they are too timid and cling to safety and certainty.

The good news is, even though it’s scary, boldness is always rewarded in the long run. Always.

Authenticity is your ability to be you. It’s funny that we must cultivate this ability.

If you don’t have boundaries, you won’t know when to tell others to shut it. You won’t know what you actually want, because all you’re aware of is other people and what they want.

I was tense inside. I had chronic stomach problems and pain in my neck, wrists, and shoulders.

I didn’t know where I ended and other people began. I didn’t have a clear sense of who I was in any given moment.

If I was in a conversation with someone, I would be very aware of what they were feeling, and what they were wanting. I’m very perceptive and sensitive, so I was quite good at this. In fact, most nice people are. You probably are.

If I noticed sadness, frustration, anger, tension, disappointment, or any other painful feeling in them, I would instantly feel obligated to help them alleviate it. I might even instantly conclude that their discomfort was due to me.

And I certainly didn’t want to do anything that might contribute even more to their negative feelings.

I carried on like this for years, bouncing between anxiety and guilt. Anxiety about whether I was doing a good enough job on all this care-taking, and guilt when I determined I wasn’t.

“I hear about your mom, and your brother, and your dad. I hear about everyone else and what they want. But I don’t hear much of you in the story. It’s like you’re a minor character, and your needs and wants don’t really count for much.”

I spent the vast majority of my time and mental energy considering what everyone else wanted. My decisions of what to do, where to go, and even what to say, were largely based on other people.

You have to know where others end and you begin.

you can start to ask yourself: What is it that I’d prefer instead? What do I really want? Then pay attention to what answers emerge, without dismissing or filtering them. Let yourself explore, get curious, and find out what’s really going on inside. You’re listening inwards for guidance, rather than simply focusing on what everyone else wants and what a “good boy” or “good girl” would do.

If indecisiveness is something you struggle with, then you especially need to be asking yourself these questions throughout the day: What do I want? What don’t I want in this situation? What do I prefer? What sounds good to me?

chronic indecisiveness is a result of being disconnected or alienated from your true self. You don’t even know what’s happening deep in there. There’s too much noise about what he wants, she wants, they want.

You’re scared of picking something and it looking bad, or them not liking it, or of making a mistake and choosing the “wrong thing.”

Occasionally not having clarity and letting others decide is natural, and not problematic. But if it’s your default setting, then it’s a sign of too much niceness and low social power. Over time it can irritate and repel others and backfire as most people-pleasing strategies do. This is because always letting others decide puts the responsibility on them. They now have to decide for themselves and for you, but they don’t really know where you stand because you don’t share. This creates frustration, annoyance, and a desire for less contact.

Sometimes when you persisted, your parents may have gotten irritable and told you to knock it off, or shut up. This may have been stated directly, or more subtly with voice tone or “the look”. Eventually, you may have concluded unconsciously that saying what you want, or advocating for it strongly, was bad. Maybe it’s better to be quiet, compliant, and pleasing. To not push so hard. To be nice.

It’s good to discover what I want It’s good to ask for what I want. It’s good to say what I want. It’s good to say what I don’t want. It’s good to be able to put myself first.

A chronic pattern of being unsure, never knowing what you want, looking to others, letting them make the decisions, and always putting them first will create resentment in you, frustration and resentment in them, and eventually create distance that erodes the relationship.

In addition, if you perpetually look to meet the needs of others, and disregard what you truly want, you diminish over time. You have less energy, vitality, and passion. You feel less happy and fulfilled. Over time you whittle away and have little to offer others because your cup is so empty.

At first it can be quite confusing because so much of your life may have been based on what other people want, and what you “should” want in order to be a good son, daughter, employee, friend, spouse, and so on. At first you may be confused and uncertain. Your mind might say: I have no idea. I don’t even know what I want! If so, that’s perfectly normal. It’s a natural part of the process. You’ll get better at identifying your desires over time. Until then, don’t be fooled by your mind’s hasty conclusions that you don’t know and will never know what you want. Sometimes, when we say, “I don’t know,” we don’t really mean, “I don’t know.” What we really mean is “Ack! This is uncomfortable.

We push against discovering what we want because it can be uncomfortable to do so. First, we bump up against our negative beliefs about desire, so we can feel a subtle sense of shame just for paying attention to what we want. That’s so selfish and bad! Then there’s fear about what we might discover. What if I don’t want to spend time with that friend anymore? What if I’m secretly feeling disengaged and bored during sex with my partner and I want something to be different? Bad! Selfish! Wrong! And then we’re scared about what we’ve discovered because that might lead us to speak up and actually say no to somebody, or bring up an uncomfortable conversation with our partner or anyone else.

And it’s OK if you experience confusion. We are complex creatures and made up of many different parts. Part of you wants to spend time with that friend, and part of you would prefer to be alone. It seems like no matter which one you choose, there will be some sadness or missing out by not having the other option. That’s OK, too. Let yourself miss the

When our boundaries are weak, we tend to have a very shaky hold on these sorts of things. We automatically look to others to determine what our thoughts and opinions might be. We look to others to determine our reality for us. You may experience this as a lack of certainty in your perceptions and convictions. You may not have a strong opinion on much of anything. You also might feel quite a bit of self-doubt about what you say, whether it’s right, or if others agree with you.

I would tell myself: I’m just a more flexible and open-minded person.