Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

While some of this is true–I am a very curious and open-minded person and don’t tend to lock into debate battles with people about their opinions–I also didn’t have a strong sense of myself. I didn’t value what I thought or perceived in that moment. I assumed others’ opinions were more intelligent, better researched, and more valid than my own.

If you have a negative habit of valuing other opinions too highly, and as more valid than your own, then you’ll never really be sure of what you think in a given situation.

Stop hypnotizing yourself with the story that you don’t know enough about the subject, or that other people are smarter and you should just agree with them and keep silent.

Start looking inward in all settings–at work, in meetings, while speaking with your boss, with your spouse, your friends, and your parents. Ask yourself, “What do I think about this? What’s my opinion? What’s my perspective? How do I see the situation?” You don’t have to even voice this at first. You just have to assess where you stand internally. Notice if you agree with what someone is saying, or disagree.

Certainty does not correlate with accuracy. Just because someone sounds certain, it does not mean that what they’re saying is accurate. It also doesn’t mean that it’s more thought out, researched, or backed by anything at all.

I realized this is happening behind everyone’s facade, from doctors, to TV experts, to your seemingly confident boss or CEO. Those people might have a lot of experience, insight, and factual knowledge on various topics. And, they are prone to bias like the rest of us, are uncertain about all kinds of things, even in their field of expertise, and often just fill in the gaps with as much certainty as they can muster.

The truth is people just say stuff. They package it in certainty and lean on their education, experience, or status to make it sound like it’s highly researched and valid. Start to pay attention to this phenomenon around you.

One of the most empowering and liberating benefits of having boundaries is to know where you end and someone else begins. More specifically, you know what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s. Without boundaries, this distinction is completely unclear and leads to the over-responsibility challenges we discussed in the Guilt-Bubble chapter. The sum of this problem can be described in this simple, highly inaccurate belief that we carry into all our relationships: If something is happening in you, it must be due to me. If you’re upset or angry, it’s because I’ve done something wrong. If you’re disappointed or sad, I must have fallen short or done something to let you down. If you’re hurt, I must have said it wrong or done something wrong. It’s all my fault. Your feelings are my fault, I did this to you. And now it’s my responsibility to fix them, and fast. This is a reality that many people buy into. You can have entire relationships where both people are completely hypnotized by this illusion.

The one who uses guilt to shut the other person down is doing so because they’re scared of painful feelings, criticism, or being left. Of course, by blocking communication they are inadvertently bringing about the very thing they are trying to avoid. Over time they are much more likely to experience more painful feelings, and the other person most likely will leave them.

you must find a way out of the trap of over-responsibility. You must be able to distinguish between what is yours and what is somebody else’s.

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

It intellectually makes sense to you. But if you imagine actually being more direct, saying what you really think in specific situations in your life, you feel anxiety or guilt. This might indicate that you intellectually agree that you’re not responsible, but emotionally you feel responsible for the feelings and actions of others.

So instead of having only more extreme things on our “bad list,” like yelling or harshly criticizing others, we start to add things like: asking for what we want, disagreeing with someone, telling someone we don’t like something or are upset, changing the subject during a conversation, or speaking up for ourselves and challenging someone in a meeting.

We think to ourselves: I couldn’t possibly do that to her; that would break his heart; he’d be crushed; she couldn’t handle that. The reality is you couldn’t handle that. Or, to use more accurate language, you don’t want to experience your own discomfort about another person having strong feelings. It stirs up too much. It pushes your buttons and you don’t like it.

Creator, on the other hand, realizes this: If my life is not the way I want it to be, then it’s my responsibility to change my attitude and approach to my circumstances. Over time, and through consistent action, I can create the life I want. I won’t get there by blaming others, telling myself that I suck, or any other avoidance maneuver. I must step up, face my fear, and take bold action again and again.

When you treat others as fragile, as if they can’t handle the truth about what you want, how you feel, or how you think, you are perceiving them as Victims.

Do not buy into their Victim story. And beware of moving through the world taking responsibility for everyone, assuming they’re all Victims. They are not small children. They are adults. Powerful beings who do not need you to handle everything for them and protect them from all pain. You can let that go.

What really makes people upset? You may have spent years, or decades, imagining it was something you did, or failed to do, that caused the upset in others. You may have run yourself ragged trying to please everyone, so no one would ever feel upset, angry, hurt, or disappointed. You may have done everything to be a nice person.

we get upset when we perceive our needs are not being met. Needs are simply core desires that all humans share, across cultures. We have different ways of going about trying to meet these needs, but underneath the core needs are the same. There are many different models for human needs, but the one I’ve found most simple, clear, and practical was Tony Robbins’ six human needs.

each person has a different priority for their needs. For some people, it’s all about love and connection. They just want to love everybody and have everyone get along. For some people, their dominant need is significance. They want to be number one in all situations, all of the time.

How on earth could we possibly meet these people’s needs? What if their rules for how their needs can be met are completely unrealistic? What if they are prioritizing significance and certainty and it never feels like enough to them? In all of these cases, it’s going to be very difficult for them to feel at peace. They themselves will have a very hard time making this happen. How are you supposed to do this for them? Impossible. Insanity.

The Peace Process is the exact opposite of that habit. Instead, we move towards the uncomfortable sensations in our body. Right into the center of it. Like slowly easing yourself into a cold swimming pool or a hot bathtub. Our impulse may be to pull back, but if we just relax our bodies, we can ease in a little further.

Surrender to the feeling. Just let it be there, without trying to fix it, figure it out, or solve it with your mind. Each time you notice yourself thinking about the feeling, or anything else, gently bring your attention right back to the sensations in your body. Just breathing and feeling, nothing else to do right now.

This is just a scared, young part of you that doesn’t want discord, upset, hurt, or anger in the world. It just wants everyone to be happy, to love each other. Meet this young, innocent part of yourself with love, acceptance, and gentleness. Give it all the attention and love it needs.

If I felt myself taking in too much of any emotion that I didn’t need, I would imagine myself gently moving it back outside the bubble with my next exhale, saying in my mind, this is not mine, thank you.

The moment you see someone you work with is upset, your mind instantly interprets it as your fault. Your nervous system responds by shooting out some stress hormones, and gearing your body up to address the danger. This all happens in a heartbeat.

Remember, what really makes someone upset is the perception that they’re not meeting their needs. If you’ve let go, and don’t feel responsible for “fixing” their feelings and making everything instantly better and smooth, then you can consider if there’s something you can do to help them meet their needs. This is coming from a very different place than the approval-seeking pleaser who is scared of the emotions of others.

If you’re not sure what they need, guess what? You can ask them! This sounds so simple, yet I didn’t realize it was a valid option for years. It’s not only valid, it can be the most supportive and effective way to help someone when they are struggling. In a curious and patient tone, ask them, “Do you know what you need right now?” or “What do you think would support you best right now?” These are just a few examples of the dozens of ways you can support, help, and contribute to others. Once we’ve let go of taking responsibility for others’ feelings, it frees us up to focus on them and really give them what we can in the moment.

This is yet another example of the Not Nice paradox. When we’re trying to be nice, please others, and be a “good person” who everyone likes, we end up becoming way more self-absorbed. We don’t approach the person who’s struggling in an effective or helpful way. We either avoid them because we’re scared, or we come out guns ablazin’, trying to hastily fix their feelings because we can’t tolerate their upset. But when we let all this go, we end up being way more attentive, focused on others, loving, and helpful.

To live in your reality means you own who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you stand for, and what you think and feel in the moment. It means you are aware of these things and are living your life according to them. It means they matter to you more than the perceptions, likes, dislikes, and beliefs of those around you.

each person has their own history, perspective, and worldview. Some people will dislike you simply based on your appearance–your physical features, or the clothes you wear. Some people may dislike you because you remind them of their critical mother or their ex. Others might feel intimidated or envious and to deal with feeling inferior they’ll judge and criticize you in their heads to bring you down a notch to their level. Still others are just feeling dissatisfied in their own lives, pissed off at their spouse or boss, and looking for an outlet to release their pent-up frustration.

“The truth is, we don’t have control of whether people like us or not. The only thing we have control over is how fully we show up. How much we put ourselves out there. How boldly and freely we can be ourselves around others in the world.

When you notice yourself feeling all twisted up about some negative feedback, or someone not liking you or something you did, stop what you’re doing, slow down, and take a few minutes to find the place in your body that is hurting. Your mind might be spitting out a thousand thoughts per minute, about how they’re wrong, how dare they, and how bad you are, and on and on around the merry go round. Let this keep spinning and drop your attention out of your mind into your body.

Bring your attention right there, to the center of that uncomfortable feeling, and hold it with compassion, patience, and love. Nothing to change, solve, figure out, or fix. Just feeling and breathing. After doing this for several minutes, you might be amazed at how much better you feel, without changing anyone’s opinion of you

I’m not for everybody. That simple insight lead to a profound sense of relief. I no longer needed to convince every person who came across me or my message that I was a good, worthy person. Some people would love what I was doing, and some would not. That’s OK; I’m not for everybody. Just thinking it or saying it out loud makes me smile. Try saying it out loud right now: “I’m not for everybody.” Isn’t it a relief?

What if you focused on the people who loved you, appreciated you, encouraged you, and saw your greatness?

he’d just spent five hours with someone who represses her own shadow and unconsciously guides him to repress his. This creates a pressure that he then needs to release in the form of agitated, destructive, and aggressive energy.

Each person’s shadow is slightly different due to the unique messages they received from their family, school, religious community, and peers. These specific messages shape what you see as acceptable attire, how to speak with others, what’s OK to say and not say, and so forth. There are also certain qualities that are generally held in the shadow for most people in most societies. These include things like anger, aggression, physical violence, sex, masturbation, selfishness, and greed. Basically, think The Seven Deadly Sins from Catholicism

Regardless of how we learn it, we quickly realize there are ways we should be and ways we must never be.

Well, there’s one interesting twist here. All of those things that you learn not to do don’t just disappear. The desire to hit your brother, take his cookie, and eat it right now is still inside of you, you just learn how to suppress the impulse.

Shadows 1. Frustration, anger, or resentment with people closest to you (partner, kids, parents, etc.) 2. Anger and judgmental thoughts about friends, colleagues, boss, customers, and clients. 3. Sexual desire of strangers, friends’ partners, and other people you “shouldn’t desire.” 4. Sexual feelings and desires you or others might deem strange, bad, or inappropriate (use of pornography, fetishes, bondage, etc.). 5. Dissatisfaction with big life situations (your job, being a parent, your spouse, your city, etc.). 6. Grief, sadness, and pain of loss (both recent losses and all the way back to your childhood). 7. Deep uncertainty or doubt, including self-doubt, doubt of God, doubt of purpose, doubt of any meaning in life. 8. Strong sensitivity to people’s comments, feeling deeply hurt and sometimes secretly enraged by them. 9. Desire for and fantasies about vengeance, retaliation, getting back at someone, or hurting someone. 10. Desires and impulses for physical violence (hitting, attacking, killing).

If you are in physical pain, you’re not “handling everything fine.” If your low back hurts on and off for years, if you have plantar fasciitis and foot and ankle problems, if your neck and shoulders always hurt, if your jaw is tense and you grind your teeth at night, if your old knee acts up, or your stomach is acting funny again... you’re not handling it well. If you feel anxious in the morning, stressed and irritated during the day, and depressed and negative about your life and don’t know why because you have so much and you “should be happy,” then you’re not handling everything fine. If you compulsively check your email, your phone, stats online, social media feeds, the news, anything to absorb your focus, then you’re not handling it fine. You’re agitated, uncomfortable, and hurting inside, and you need to face it.

What you need to do is acknowledge your shadow and start paying attention to these feelings. You need to carve out time each day to go for a walk, or to write in a journal. You need to pay attention to your shadow and your Id, and to listen instead of pushing it further down. You need to finally own this part of you, so you can truly feel more alive, happy, and free.

shadow is nothing more than raw, instinctual, primal impulses and desires. These include sex, hunger, desire, anger, and passion. When we are connected to these, we are connected to the primal source of life, the engine that drives everything else.

The easiest way to get writing is to begin by discussing your feelings from the day. What happened that was exciting or challenging? How do you feel about the events that occurred, and the people you interacted with? As you let this flow, you can begin to ask yourself questions about your current circumstances in general: • What is upsetting to you in your life? • What pressures do you feel? • What demands do others place on you? • What demands do you place on yourself? • What irritates or frustrates you? Starting with these kinds of questions can help you access your repressed feelings.

This is one of my go-to self-care routines whenever I am feeling stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, or impatient. I am sure to do this daily when I notice myself feeling physically sick, or if physical pain or an old injury “acts up” out of nowhere. No, I didn’t sleep on my neck wrong. I’m pissed off and I need to express it and release it.

Rage Walk Get suited up, it’s time to go for a walk. No headphones, no audiobooks, no cell phone, no distractions. Simply set out for 20 minutes, or more, and be with yourself. This activity is similar to the Shadow Journal without the writing. You can ask yourself the same kind of prompting questions and focus on the frustrations of your Id.

If you’ve noticed that you have a pattern of hesitating, holding back, and not speaking up for yourself as much as you’d like, there’s probably a reason for it. No, it’s not what your inner critic says. You’re not “weak, spineless, messed up, broken” or whatever other garbage stories you’ve told yourself. The real reason is that it probably made sense for you to act that way at some point in your life. Most people who are nice were the peacemakers of their family. They weren’t the loud, defiant, confrontational ones. On the contrary, they were the ones who hated that discord and found ways to minimize it as much as possible. When very young, this may have just involved holding back and not sharing needs, or not asking for as much to avoid being too demanding or putting too much pressure on others.

The same is true for conflict. Across the board, when I speak about this topic with clients, they will all tell me how much they hate that feeling of conflict. When someone is upset with them, the sensations it generates in their nervous systems are strong and unpleasant. It’s very hard to just ignore them and go about their day as if nothing were the matter. They have an overwhelming urge to make the feelings go away by “fixing it” and making things right (aka removing the other person’s upset).

Nice people tend to be more sensitive. We tend to feel things more strongly. We might even hear sounds more loudly, be more sensitive to smells, and our other senses. And we feel our emotions, and the emotions of others more intensely.