More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
April 21 - April 24, 2022
No matter what you do, people around you are going to feel hurt. And much of the time it has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do. It’s all about the other person’s ideas, beliefs, rules, and past wounds.
Many recovering nice people, myself included, can have difficulty receiving. Whether it’s some time for yourself, going to the restaurant you want, or your partner touching you in that new and exciting way you asked for, it can be hard to relax and enjoy yourself. Instead, your mind might become active with worry, and you may feel guilt or anxiety. Is this really OK? Do they really want to be here? Are they upset with me right now? Are they enjoying this too, or is it all just for me?
Simply ask yourself the series of questions below to determine if something is too selfish or not. First, we’ll just go through the questions, then I’ll give you some examples so you can see exactly how it works. Then you can try it using a situation in your life. 1. What Do I Want? Pretty standard, you are quite familiar with this question by now. Yet it is the place we must always start from. What exactly do you want? If you were operating from complete self-interest, what would it be? Do not water it down or compromise yet. Start with what you truly want. 2. How much do I want this? On a
...more
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
if your desire is higher and the impact on others is lower, then in most cases it would be optimal for you to take action to go after what you want. This is healthy self-interest. Habitually denying this will lead to passivity and resentment while frequently acting on your desire will bring energy, power, freedom, and a more loving and generous disposition.
being a sensitive person can make acting in your self-interest challenging, especially if someone else feels disappointed or sad as a result.
Remember our brief discussion about attachment styles earlier in this book? Basically, part of us fears we’re going to lose connection with other people and end up being isolated and alone. Thus, acting in our self-interest will lead to the death of the relationship.
People pleasing isn’t attractive because it’s not authentic. We’re not being who we really are. When we’re looking to please, our focus is on how to say and do what we think the other person wants, regardless of what is true for us. This disconnect from our true selves immediately reduces our attractiveness. Then, to make matters worse, we’re operating from a place of fear. Fear of upsetting the other person, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of looking foolish, fear of being judged, and even fear of our own guilt. All this fear is another layer of attractiveness repellent that we spray on
...more
and directly. If you’re afraid of doing so, worried
The problem is I was approaching sex from the self-denying end of the selfishness spectrum. I was completely focused on her because I thought that’s what a good man “should do.” To do otherwise was selfish, misogynistic, repulsive to women, and bad. But actually, as with all other areas of relationships, moving out of self-sacrifice and into healthy self-interest is good for everybody. By tuning into yourself more, you actually get out of your head and into your body. As you enjoy yourself more, you create more passion and energy that makes a better experience for your partner as well.
There are so many competing demands for your time and attention that you could spend your entire day, week, month, or year simply doing what everyone else wants you to do.
Is this where you live now? Doing things you don’t really want to do, but feel you have to? Being driven more than you’d like by obligation? Feeling trapped in conversations, in meetings, or in situations that are not making you feel most free and alive?
the fear of saying no comes from insecure attachment.
If we are securely attached, we know that we can be ourselves, make mistakes, and generally live our lives and people close to us will love us for who we are. They aren’t going anywhere. When we are insecurely attached, we can feel like we have to earn love and continually keep people close to us by not making mistakes, never upsetting, and otherwise being “good.” In short, saying no makes us feel unsafe. It can trigger a fear of being abandoned in emotional centers in our brain.
When people are sad, disappointed, or angry, they tend to be less warm and available. This withdrawal can trigger that insecure feeling, which is uncomfortable. Most people will react to this feeling by trying to hastily apologize.
When you step up and take the risk to say no, it might not be pretty, and it might not be comfortable. After you do it, your stomach may lurch and your brain may kick into hyper-worry mode. If you know, however, that your discomfort, no matter how intense, is due to an internal fear that long predates your current situation, you are much better equipped to deal with it. Instead of going outward to fix the situation, you’ll turn inward to feel. You can soothe that frightened part and see how to calm yourself so you feel safer and grounded in your body.
In order to avoid the tension, discomfort, guilt, or fear of loss, we simply say yes. Yes to spend time with someone, yes to talk on the phone, yes to do what they want. This, like all avoidance, provides short-term relief from uncomfortable feelings. But it generates greater pain in the long-term. The extended phone calls, coffee hangouts, lunches, dinner parties, or other unwanted encounters tend to be unpleasant and agitating. In addition, your own sense of strength and personal power is diminished, leaving you with less ability to boldly be yourself in the world, which creates another
...more
The same goes for our obligation-based relationships with family. I should be there for my parents (or brother, sister, uncle, etc.). This could be a core value of yours–to support and be there for family. But what does that mean? In all cases, no matter what? Does that mean everything from being at the hospital bed to picking up their laundry? Does that mean you can’t say no to flying out of state to attend your uncle’s 60th birthday party? I understand that family relationships are complex and sometimes involve doing things we are not excited about. This is because we value the connection
...more
To discover what’s really true, slow down and pay attention, especially when you agree to do something with someone, or after you’ve spent time with them. Do you feel energized after the activity? Do you feel lighter, happier, and more optimistic? These are the signals of positive, beneficial connection that is nourishing you. Even if you don’t love the activity, like the gardening for example, perhaps spending time with someone you love feels good in a deep way. Knowing you brightened your mom’s day warms your heart. Or do you feel drained afterwards? When you slow down and pay attention, and
...more
begin with asking yourself the million-dollar question–what do I want? When you do, go out as far as possible on the selfish spectrum. For just a moment, let go of what you “should do,” or what is acceptable, or what the other person would think. Just try it on. You don’t have to buy it. Just see what that feels like to tune into your heart and see what you really want, deep down. Then, and only then, you can work your way back to the nuances of the situation to see how to steer it. What can you shift? What can you change?
“What would your ideal visit look like?”
actually decided a number of years ago that I am only going to spend time in relationships that energize me and enhance my life. My time here is finite and there are so many people I like and love, I do not want to spend time with anyone that drains me. I slowly moved away from and ended relationships that did not serve me, including ones with drama, chaos, or frequent negativity. Over time, my energy rose higher and higher. Now I am surrounded by supportive, inspiring, intelligent, and loving people. I spend time with those that bring out the best in me and inspire me to grow even more.
Is spending time with someone out of obligation enjoyable for them? If you agree to go somewhere you don’t really want to be, are you that fun to be around? Perhaps you’re the world’s greatest actor, but most people can’t fully hide their displeasure. It might not be obvious, but most likely your energy is lower, you are a little tighter in your body, and shorter with your words. In other words, you’re probably less fun to be around.
go through and rank each item on your list. Yes, every single one. Put a “Y” next to the ones that are a “hell yes” for you, and an “N” next to the ones that are a “hell no” for you. Remember, anything less than a “hell yes” is a “hell no,” so if you’re hesitating and hovering, trying to decide, it’s probably a “hell no.”
Is your life filled with more Y’s or N’s? Did this surprise you? Or does it make sense? Typically, if our lives are filled with a majority of “hell no(s)” that we’re doing anyway because we feel like we have to, we feel worse. If it’s full of “hell yes(ses)” that we have chosen, we feel better.
Cleaning my toilet? Not so much. Deep cleaning on the stove under the burners? Ew. So, we hired someone to come for three hours per week to do that sort of cleaning. One more hell no off my list. Of course, when it comes to life with small children, I do end up doing things that are not a hell yes for me.
Even within the realm of being a child-centric parent who values giving to your kids, there’s room to find the hell yes for you. This is essential or you will go insane. My point here is even when we feel like we can’t say no to something, we still have wiggle room. We still have the choice of how we want to do it, and alternatives we can offer.
It’s also helpful to realize that you always have a choice. Everything you do is a choice. This is one of the core realizations that helps you be an owner of your life instead of a victim.
And in some areas of life, I have to dig deeper to see that I really do want to do what I’m doing. For example, changing a poopy diaper is generally not on my preferred list of activities. So, in a sense, I don’t want to change the diaper. However, I do want children, I want to take care of them, I want them to feel nurtured, loved, and safe. I want to help Candace and create a home that is filled with love and harmony. So, it looks like I want to change that poopy diaper after all.
One place that I’m very clear about what I want and don’t want is in my social time. With two small children, a wife who I can’t get enough of, and a mission that I’m passionate about, my time for hanging out socially is precious. I want to spend that time with friends and family that inspire me, and fill me with love, connection, laughter, and joy. So, I say no to a lot of offers.
I am currently over-extended between work, family, and other commitments. I have decided to take care of myself by slowing down and not saying yes to much for 2-3 months. So, unfortunately, I won’t be available for lunch for another few months or so.
And I am currently not seeking the same level of relationship at this time. Having 2 small children is a pretty crazy, full-on experience. There are people in my inner circle that I have not seen in months. I wish you all the best in your new relationship, and in all areas of your life.
or bad? Most of us learned in our early days of nice-programing that our preferences are secondary. That it is our duty to meet other people’s requests, regardless of how we feel about it. And if we don’t feel like it, our feelings are wrong and must be overridden.
The 3 Levels of No Level 1 - Internal In this level, you learn how to determine whether you are a “yes” or a “no” internally. As in, “do I actually want to do this?” This might sound simple, but it actually takes quite a bit of practice. After decades of nice-person programming, we can find it quite difficult to determine what we really want. We might agree to something instantaneously without even pausing to see if we really want to participate. Or, the other person wants it, so we just agree because we don’t want to hurt or offend them.
Level 2 - Get It Out The next level of no is simply to say no. To get it out of your head and into the world, no matter how it comes out.
To practice step two, begin saying no more. I highly recommend setting a goal for yourself. Pick a time frame and a number of noes that you want to say. When I first did this, I decided I would say two noes in one week.
Often times when we start saying no, we have lots of feelings about it. We feel guilty, or afraid, or have a backlog of resentment from not saying no for years. We feel tense in our bodies, worried about how they’ll respond, and ready for their push back.
Your first noes can be a little rough.
I had a right to say no without justifying or explaining myself.
Level 3 - Refined Communication Once you’ve practiced the first two levels a number of times, you’ll discover that you can be quite good at saying no. In your core, you’re a natural. We all are. Because saying no is the most natural social interaction in the world. We say yes to what we want and no to what we don’t want. It is only after years of conditioning that we learned this is wrong.
This third level involves saying no in a less guarded, more relaxed way. We are no longer tense or aggressive from feeling scared that we’re doing something wrong. And we’re no longer overly submissive from guilt. Instead, we can simply say no in a calm and loving way when we don’t want to do something. It’s no big deal. It flows out of you like asking for a drink, or for someone to pass the salt.
I want to stress that for virtually all recovering nice people, this comes over time. We want to get there instantly and skip levels one and two–especially level two. That one sucks. But there is no other way to get better at something than to do it messily at first.
1. No Is a Complete Sentence The urge to explain, justify, and give lots of reasons is sure sign of a No-Noob. Trust me, I know the feeling. It feels bad, we don’t want to hurt their feelings, and we want to make sure they feel loved and OK about themselves. So, we give a dozen reasons as to why we’re saying no, so they know it’s not about them (even if it secretly is).
The first tip to being more of a master is to avoid over-explaining. Short is good. You can convey kindness in other ways, as you’ll see below. But explaining too much makes you come across as anxious and unsure, as if you’re doing something wrong. Instead, simply say no thank you. Or, if you want to offer a reason, keep it brief.
No-Noob: I’m sorry, I can’t make it. I would love to normally, but I have to pick up my dog that afternoon and I have a report due the following day. I wouldn’t be able to get everything done in time. It’s been a crazy week. Sorry : ) No-Master: Thanks for the invite. Unfortunately, I can’t ...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
2. No Apologies Did you notice in the last example how much apologizing was going on? This is another sign of our discomfort with no. We’ll discuss unnecessary apologies in an upcoming chapter, but for now, watch out for apologizing as you say no to someone. Again...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Noob apologizes twice in one simple message. The No-Master does no such thing. She does say “unfortunately,” which conveys that she is disappointed to not join in because it sounds like fun. But this does not convey that she is at fault
3. Make It About You Sometimes, further information or an explanation is needed. For example, if a friend invites you to do something, and you know that you don’t want to do that activity, it can be helpful to let them know. Otherwise, they will keep asking you to do it, and you will keep saying no, which can create a sense of rejection. But the truth is you like that person, you just don’t like the activity they are suggesting.
“Thanks for the invite! I love spending time with you and the others. I noticed the last time I went that I really need more alone time on the weekends to recharge. So, here’s what I’d like to do. I’d like to come up there Saturday morning, spend the day with you all, and then drive back Saturday evening, instead of spending the night.”
Notice how this is about her, and her preferences and needs. Also, notice how she doesn’t check at the end, “Is that OK with you?” She could do that, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so. I just question why she would need to. She’s not doing something wrong. She’s not asking to borrow someone’s car. She’s simply stating her desired plan for the weekend.
Where do you feel that guilt and discomfort?” I asked. “In my chest,” she said. “Good, let’s slow down even more. Bring all of your attention right to that place in your chest, and just breathe. No need to make it go away or run from it. Just meet it with curiosity, patience, and love.”
