Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

This creates confusion, doubt, uncertainty, and hesitation in future situations. Is it really good to speak my mind like that? Is...

This doubt creates just enough confusion to stall the process. You’re no longer certain that it’s OK to not be nice. Your nice person programming sneakily regains control and you fall back into the cage, more unsure of yourself than ever.

But if you can stick with it, and work through the discomfort of the backlash, this is the way out. This is your path to power, peace, confidence, and freedom.

This is your path to reclaim yourself–the real you–who has been lost under layers of niceness, fear, and mess...

you need to upgrade your operating system. You need to consciously create your own guiding force that helps direct you in life. You need a personal bill of rights.

Remember back in Chapter 3 when you created that beastly list of shoulds? Those were all the demands that you place on yourself, and that you imagine others expect of you.

You also marked the ones that seemed excessive, rigid, or oppressive with an unhappy face.

Take a look at that list. Is it really possible to satisfy all of them? Are some of them even conflicting, like, “speak up for yourself and say what’s on your mind” and “don’t ever hurt anyone’s feelings, ever”?

Conflicting rules, as well as rigid or extreme rules, just lead to a perpetual sense of falling short, failing, and guilt.

A list of rights encourages authenticity, freedom, self-expression, and being who you really are in the world. It preserves your self-respect, personal power, and autonomy. It moves you forward and lets you create the life you want.

If you could wave a magic wand and instantly become free of fear, guilt, or the need to make others see you a certain way, how would you be?

Imagine you are completely free of worrying about what anyone thinks of you.

You are completely relaxed, comfortable, and confident in yourself no matter what…

What would ...

Just write out a list of things you might do if you had no fear, no guilt, and no doubt in yourself.

Make sense? Don’t overthink it, just keep it quick and simple.

This list in itself is extremely valuable. It gives you a window into all the ways you could grow. It highlights what is outside of your comfort zone, and all the ways you could become more bold and powerful right now. But we want to go even further.

What are my rights? What am I allowed to do? What am I entitled to?

When you ask yourself these questions, don’t look at the past. Don’t look to what mom or dad said was OK, or how you “should” be. Look inward, to your own heart, and tune into your own intuition.

Look forward to the kind of person you want to be, the kind of person you’re destined to be. Imagine the most free, bold, happy, successful, authentic, and powerful ve...

You are free to adopt any that resonate. You may also notice some push your buttons, or seem offensive or somehow “wrong”. That’s OK too. You might find that ultimately those are not going to be in your bill of rights.

I have the right to approach anyone I want to start a conversation with. I have the right to change the subject or end the conversation whenever I would like.

I have the right to insert myself into a conversation and interrupt someone who’s speaking.

I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do, for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an excuse. I h...

I have the right to ask why and negotiate if someone initially says “no.” I have the right to offer anything to anyone, any number of tim...

I have the right to change my mind; I do not always need to be logical and consistent. I have the right to ask questions w...

I have the right to disagree with others (even if they know more about the subject than I do). I have the right to share my perspective, even if ...

uncomfor...

I have the right to make mistakes, mess up, or otherwise not be perfect. I have the right to not be responsible for others, in...

I have the right to take time and space to be by myself, even if others would prefer my company. I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wish...

I have the right to say yes to having sex, to enjoy sex, and to pause during sex to have a conversation. I have the right to be treated with respect. I have the righ...

I have the right to feel all of my feelings, including anger, grief, sadness, and fear. I have the right to feel grief about somethin...

I have the right to feel something or do something without needing to justify myself to others. I have the right to feel angry at those I love, a...

I suggest you print your bill of rights and have it somewhere that you can see often. The more you can keep this list in your conscious awareness, the more it will influence you now.

The opposite of nice is not to be mean, cruel, harsh, attacking, careless, heartless, or bad. The opposite of nice is power, boldness, and authenticity.

Power is your ability to choose your direction, action, and destiny. It’s your ability to feel equal to those around you, rather than inferior.

Boldness is your ability to hurdle over risks and dive into the unknown. It’s your ability to break free from the herd, to do what others dare not–not because it’s too dangerous or reckless, but because they are too timid and cling to safety and certainty.

It’s your ability to speak up and say what needs to be said when the rest of the room is looking down at their toes and studying their shoelaces.

Authenticity is your ability to be you.

Authenticity is your ability to look inward and know who you are–what you perceive, what you think, what you feel, what you want, and what you believe. It’s your ability to honor and respect all you see, to love what you see, so that you may boldly bring it forth and share yourself with the world.

boldness training is all about speaking up for yourself, saying “no” when you want to or need to, and prioritizing yourself instead of always putting others first.

The truth is I didn’t know where I ended and other people began. I didn’t have a clear sense of who I was in any given moment.

If I was in a conversation with someone, I would be very aware of what they were feeling, and what they were wanting. I’m very perceptive and sensitive, so I was quite good at this.

It’s like having some kind of x-ray vision where you can see through people’s outer layers, their outer personas, and s...

If I noticed sadness, frustration, anger, tension, disappointment, or any other painful feeling in them, I would instantly feel ...

I might even instantly conclude that their discomfort was due to me. And I certainly didn’t want to do anything that might contribute...

I sensed (or imagined) their underlying feelings and desires and did my best to fulfill them,...

disappointed or unwanted). I carried on like this for years, bouncing between anxiety and guilt. Anxiety about whether I was doing a good enough job on all this care-taking, and guilt when I determined I wasn’t.

I didn’t realize this was one of the major contributors to my suffering and lack of sustained, happy relationships.

I spent the vast majority of my time and mental energy considering what everyone else wanted. My decisions of what to do, where to go, and even what to say, were largely based on other people.