Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

The nicer we are, the more powerless we feel, and the more trapped we become in this land of hesitati...

We do all this nice stuff, put others first and sacrifice what we want, and try so hard, all because we want to be liked, to be loved.

We do the right thing. We are good people. We hope this will give us a deep sense of love and connection. A feeling of closeness, intimacy, and the joy that can come from those sweet experiences.

Yet, this feeling is elusive, and hard to come by.

We don’t feel deeply connected to others, and we don’t really trust that they absolutely love and adore us. We can’t rest ea...

This sense of isolation is another direct result of niceness. Because when we’re being nice and people respond well, something is a little off. They might like you, or even love you, but they don’t really know you.

They know a part of you; they know your mask or persona.

it doesn’t give you the connection you really seek. This only comes when we share more of ourselves with others. When we are able to remove the mask and share what’s really going on–how we really feel and think, including our fears, desires, challenges, and dreams. This also includes expressing ourselves.

It’s not just what you share that makes you. It’s also how you share it, how you show up, how life moves through you.

And nice is a big stop sign on all of that. On the sharing, the vulnerability, the authenticity, and the self-expression. It is a controlled, managed, and rigid way of being in the world, which keeps the real you trapped.

Do you want to feel perpetually anxious about people’s approval, guilty about not doing enough for others, and scared of them being upset? How many more years of anxiety, resentment, physical pain, powerlessness, and isolation do you want to live with?

These are important questions to ask yourself, because they will activate dissatisfaction with the way things are right now. That is a good thing. Because that discomfort can create a powerful force inside of you that steps up and says, “NO! No more. I will not live this way.” And that’s exactly the force you will need to propel you right through the bars of the nice person cage.

Breaking out of years of nice person conditioning isn’t a one-step instantaneous process. It isn’t an easy quick fix that involves no discomfort or effort. It isn’t a machine that shocks your stomach muscles while you sit on the couch watching TV until you have rock hard six-pack abs.

It’s a process that can transform your self-esteem, relationships, and life, but it requires commitment.

The five levels of commitment are a way to assess how committed you are to any process. They are described quite well by Dr. Robert Wubbolding, who is a pioneer of Reality Therapy, along with William Glasser.

Level 1: Lack of Commitment Strong resistance characterizes this level and statements like: I don’t really want to do anything different. I like ____ (smoking, drinking, pleasing others, etc.).

Level 2: Outcome without Effort This level is full of wish,...

We do want all these things, but we don’t want to make the effort. We don’t want to take action consistently over time. We don’t want to do any work at all for the outcome. We just want it now, quickly and easily. This level is characterized by a lack of any significant action. Instead, we have numerous reasons as to why we can’t get what we want, because either the outside world is preventing us (excuses), or we are not capable to make it happen (stories).

Level 3: Trying This level of commitment indicates we’re actually willing to do something. We’re willing to try things, take action, and begin to take steps in the world to create the outcomes we want.

However, as I say in The Art of Extraordinary Confidence, trying is weak. It means we will take action until we hit something difficul...

This level is characterized by phrases like, “I’ll try,” “Maybe,” and “Probably.” We might say, “Ok, this week I’ll try to start conversations with some people at that networking event,” or “I’ll probably appr...

Underneath this language is this mentality: I’ll do just...

The bare-minimum-to-get-by standard is the calling card of the dabbler and never leads to mastery. It also rarely leads to great outcomes, consistent results, wealth, love, or happiness. By rarely, I mean never.

Level 4: Do My Best This level is where things really start to heat up. This is when we start to take consistent action, face our challenges head on, and step up in life. This is where we start to notice progress and results, which feels good. This might even seem like the top level of commitment; however, it still leaves the door open for giving up. We may put our all into something for weeks or even months. We put in effort, energy, time, money, and our motivation and intention. We do our best. However, we still aren’t getting the results we want. When this happens, many people will say, “Well, I did my best. I guess I’m just not meant to get X or achieve Y.”

This of course is false, but it does make a plausible story. We now can quit, stop putting in the effort, and go back towards the safety of our comfort zone. We may even feel good about how hard we tried, and how we “gave it our all.” However, little do we know that we are actually worse off than before. Now, back in the safety of the center of our comfort zone, we also have this poisonous belief: I did my...

Level 5: Whatever It Takes This level of commitment leads to results. Period. This was my level of commitment many years ago when I decided I was going to turn off my video game and start looking for solutions on ...

The reason this level is so powerful is that it cuts off all exit routes. There is no escape. If I don’t know something, I’ll need to learn it. If I’m scared to do something, I’ll need to face it and overcome it. If I believe I can’t, then I must.

This level is so powerful because it shows us repeatedly that our mind’s predictions about what is possible for us are completely arbitrary and usually wrong.

We stop believing in the predictions of our Safety Police and start getting into more and more action, faster and faster. Moreover, that’s when we achieve...

Or are you willing to step up, face fear and discomfort, do new things, and experiment with being in the world in different ways until you truly discover who you really are? Are you willing to do whatever it takes?

In any area of life, dabbling will get you very little. In case you aren’t familiar with the term, dabbling is when you try a little, then quit when it gets difficult or uncomfortable.

The same goes for shedding nice conditioning and stepping into your authentic, powerful, loving, and successful self. Reading a few chapters will get you virtually nothing. Maybe some excitement, hope, or insight. But nothing will truly change, or profoundly transform, unless you decide you are going to do this. To commit to this. To master it.

“Am I going to dabble or decide?”

Or am I going to dive in fully, go deep, and use this book to transform how I show up in the world? Am I going to read it, study it, underline it, do the activities and exercises inside it, and keep returning to it until the job is done?

The answers you come up with determine the course of the rest of your life.

take a few minutes to write out a list of all the ways that being too nice is holding you back in your life. What is it costing you? What has it caused you to miss? What pai...

Take some time to consider the cost of nice and the benefits of being more powerfully yourself. Write them down and focus on them. This will allow you to get leverage on yourself, so you’re fully committed to do whatever it takes to break free.

Let yourself feel the pain and discomfort of it all until it reaches a breaking point. Until you get so fed up that you decide with force and conviction, “That’s it. Forget this. I’m done living this way. I’m ready. I’m ready to do whatever it takes.”

Then your life will never be the same again…

Find someone who is on the same page, and share your commitment with them. Share what you are learning in this book, and how niceness is causing pain and holding you back. Share your vision for how you want to be in the world, and who you want to be. This act of sharing with someone close to you is significant. Once it is spoken and known, it becomes real. It sets things in motion inside of you that are not even visible until months or years later. It’s powerful, and it’s worth it. After all, you’re willing to do whatever it takes, remember?

upgrade your mindset, perception of others, and behaviors so you can more freely be yourself, and attract what you really want as a result.

To liberate yourself from niceness and unleash your boldness and power, you do need to recondition and train yourself.

You have countless unconscious, habitual responses to situations that might cause you to respond with niceness, submissiveness, guilt, approval-seeking, and conflict-avoidance before you are even aware you’re doing it.

Here is the three-step process for eliminating excessive niceness and becoming a much more authentic, confident version of you: 1. Decide to be not nice. 2. Do the not nice stuff that makes you scared and uncomfortable. 3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety, doubt, fear) afterwards.

Then do it all again. If you continue in this process, and do not stop, over time you gain more power and stop being so anxious about other people’s opinions of you.

But let’s say you’re on a mission. You are not going to be stopped. You decide you’re not going to be nice. You face your fear and speak up, or say no, or put yourself first for once. Success! Right? Sure, but it doesn’t feel that way.

What I saw in myself, and in clients who are breaking free from niceness, is an intense discomfort after being less nice in a situation. This can arise as guilt for what we said or did: Oh my God! They must be crushed after I said I didn’t like their favorite movie!

It can show up as fear, anxiety, or worry: What did they think of me for speaking up like that? Hector did not look happy. He thinks I’m an idiot who doesn’t kno...

And it can lead to endless rumination and replaying of scenes again and again in your mind, like a bad song that...

This backlash trips most people up because they misinterpret it. They think it is the voice of their conscience, the voice of reaso...