Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

But underneath all of them is this: we get upset when we perceive our needs are not being met.

Needs are simply core desires that all humans share, across cultures. We have different ways of going about trying to meet these needs, but underneath the core needs are the same.

Tony Robbins’ six human needs.

Tony Robbins’ book: Awaken The Giant Within.

The first four are our most basic needs that we will find a way to meet no matter what. Healthy or unhealthy, it doesn’t matter. We’ll do whatever we think we need to.

For example, to meet our need for certainty, we might do something positive, like take effective action towards an outcome and visualize our success. Or, we might get certainty by saying with complete conviction that we’ll never achieve our goal and it’s pointless to try. Both meet our need for certainty–one positively, and one destructively.

We might meet our need for love and connection by spending time with our partner, slowing down, and sharing what’s happening in our inner world. We are vulnerable, open, listening, and deeply connecting. Or, we might meet that need by opening up a pint of ice cream, sitting on the couch, and binge watching a show on our laptop. This temporarily soothes us and helps us feel connected to ourselves, and the charac...

These short examples are just scratching the surface of all the ways people try to meet their needs. On top of that, each person has ...

For some people, it’s all about love and connection. They just want to love everybody an...

For some people, their dominant need is significance. They want to be number one in all situations, all of the time. To earn more than you, drive a nicer car than you, have a hotter partner than you, and to know more about everything than you. If they don’t achieve this, they feel inadequate, inferior, upset with themselves, and irrita...

It’s time to let it go. You will never be able to make anyone and everyone feel happy.

At best you can temporarily meet some of their needs, sometimes.

Which is fantastic news. Because you are not responsible to meet all their needs—...

Christian Mickelsen.

You can use this every time you feel guilt, anxiety, or any other upset about someone else’s feelings. Actually, you can use this anytime you feel any unpleasant feeling at all, but for now let’s focus on using it to release over-responsibility.

Take a moment now to think of a person or situation that tends to provoke a sense of guilt or anxiety.

Perhaps you are afraid of hurting their feelings, over think what you will say, and feel...

Maybe whenever you meet someone new, you tend to take responsibility for their feelin...

You worry how you’re coming across and if you’re making them uncomfortable. Once you start to feel that uncomfortable, guilty, anxious, unsettled feelin...

Now, simply bring your attention out of your thoughts and into your body–right to where you feel tha...

It might be a tightening in your stomach, a squeezing in your solar plexus (the area in the center of your body right below your sternum), or a burning feeling in your chest or throat. Take a few breaths and scan your body with your awareness until you find th...

Breathe. Soften and relax your belly, soften and relax your jaw. Often times we unconsciously tense up our bodies in response to an uncomfortable feeling, tr...

The Peace Process is the exact opposite of that habit. Instead, we move towards the uncomfort...

Right into the center of it. Like slowly easing yourself into a cold swimming...

Our impulse may be to pull back, but if we just relax our bodies, we can ea...

As you breathe and move towards the sensations in your body, notice your attitude towards these feelings. Most commonly, we don’t like these feelings because they’re uncomfortable, ...

Our stance towards them is one of frustration, impatience, and irritability. You again? Uggh. I don’t have time for this. This frustration, resistance, and avoidance is the very thing that keeps us stuck in...

Surrender to the feeling. Just let it be there, without trying to fix it, figure it out, ...

Each time you notice yourself thinking about the feeling, or anything else, gently bring your attention right bac...

Just breathing and feeling, nothing else t...

Keep tuning in, even deeper, right to the center of the feeling in your body. It may move or shift as you do this. If so, simply follow...

Meet the feeling with acceptance, surrender, and even love. This is just a scared, young part of you that doesn’t want discord,...

It just wants everyone to be happy, to love each other. Meet this young, innocent part of yourself with love, acceptance, and gentleness. Give...

As you do this, and as you surrender and let go, something powerful begins to happen. You stop fearing ot...

You may have spent the vast majority of your life running from these f...

You may have orchestrated your entire personality and way of being in the world to minimize their occurrence. This left you feeling stressed, anxious, and guilty ...

But when you are willing to slow down, and face these feelings inside of yourself head o...

You reclaim your power, and you gain a deep sense of confidence that comes from knowing y...

One of my teachers used to say, “feelings are just feelings.” It’s a simple statement that seemed a little stupid-obvious the first time I heard it. ...

These terrible, scary, unbearable things that I’m running from–they’re just feelings. They are just uncomfortable or scary sensations in my body that will dissipate, often quite quickly, if I stop resisting them a...

Energy Bubble This is a simple and effective visualization that can help your subconscious mind let go of taking on so much responsibility for other people’s feelings.

You can do this first thing when you wake up in the morning, or as you remember throughout the day.

Imagine a clear bubble all around your body. It surrounds you completely and is about two or three feet aw...

It goes out in front, behind you, to the sides, above your head, and even several feet down i...

It can be completely clear or it can have a slight color to it, whichever color you like: green, blue, pink, red, yellow, or anything that fee...