Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

You might have the idea that to be loving, tolerant, and kind we need to let go of boundaries and separation, to see underneath that we’re all one, man. And while that’s true on a spiritual or quantum physics level of reality, on a surface level we are actually quite distinct, you and I.

How quickly we can talk ourselves out of our internal reactions, which reveal our boundaries. Those feelings reveal extremely important information about you: what you want and don’t want, what you like and dislike. This stuff matters. It matters because it’s you and your experience, and you matter.

Regardless of what anyone else told you, or even what you may have told yourself for years, you and your feelings matter. And it matters more to you than it will to anyone else.

Would you say anything to your neighbor? Would you tell him you’d prefer that he didn’t pick your fruit without asking? Would you tell him to not step on your fucking flowers? Or would you smile politely, nod, carry on a friendly conversation, and only internally react? Would you be angry, but too scared to show it, and instead wait until he was gone, then go into your house and tell your spouse, “Honey! You wouldn’t beli...

this is exactly how most of us operate with our boundaries. We aren’t aware of them, don’t pay attention to the internal signals, and then are too afraid to speak up about them in the moment, leaving us feeling angry and resentful (which ...

You have to know what your boundaries actually are across different situations. You have to know where others end and you begin.

What Do I Want? This is one of the most valuable questions you can ask yourself. Asking it regularly and often about all areas of your life will serve you greatly.

One of the best ways to determine what you do want is to start with where your mind naturally goes, which is usually what you don’t want.

As you see what you don’t want, you can start to ask yourself: What is it that I’d prefer instead? What do I really want? Then pay attention to what answers emerge, without dismissing or filtering them. Let yourself explore, get curious, and find out what’s really going on inside.

You’re listening inwards for guidance, rather than simply focusing on what everyone else wants and what a “good boy” or “good girl” would do. As you do this over time, you’ll start to discover what you like and dislike. You’ll get to know yourself better and have more clarity in your life.

If indecisiveness is something you struggle with, then you especially need to be asking yourself these questions throughout the day: What do I want? What don’t I want in this situation? What do I prefer? What sounds good to me?

This is essential because chronic indecisiveness is a result of being disconnected or alienated from your true self. You don’t even know what’s happening deep in there. There’s too much noise about what he wants, she wants, they want.

There’s too many variables to decide clearly, and so you leave it up to others, saying, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

Occasionally not having clarity and letting others decide is natural, and not problematic. But if it’s your default setting, then it’s a sign of too much niceness and low social power.

This is because always letting others decide puts the responsibility on them. They now have to decide for themselves and for you, but they don’t really know where you stand because you don’t share. This creates frustration, annoyance, and a desire for less contact.

we let others decide for us because we’ve learned, somewhere along the way, that discovering what we want and asking for it...

doing so is somehow inconsiderate of others, and is bad for our relationships. This, as with all the nice p...

It’s an inaccurate map of human relationships. If we follow it, it will steer us way off track, into the outback of loneliness, pain, poor relationships, resentm...

And you were exactly the same way as a young child. You knew what you wanted and you went for it. Can you remember any instances like that? Do you remember how much you wanted certain things, and how strongly you advocated them? A certain game, watching a certain show, getting a new bike.

But then you learned that it was not permissible to ask for what you want. Sometimes when you persisted, your parents may have gotten irritable and told you to knock it off, or shut up.

Eventually, you may have concluded unconsciously that saying what you want, or advocating for it strongly, was bad. Maybe it’s better to be quiet, compliant, an...

From these early conclusions, you formed negative beliefs about desire and what you want. These may take the form of stories or beliefs such as the following: It’s bad to want things. I want too much. I’m bad for wanting so much. It’s bad to want _______ (insert whatever it is you real...

It’s not bad to want things. Despite what you may have been taught, your inner desires are not bad, wrong, unhealthy, or shameful. That is simply layers and layers of cultural and nice-person conditioning.

Desire is what moves life on this planet. It’s the most universal force in all life. Every single living organism wants things, and move towards what it wants, be it food, shelter, sex, or even sunlight for trees.

Is a tree bad for wanting to reach towards the sunlight? Is a lion wrong for wanting to eat a zebra? When we think of it in these co...

There is no good or bad here, there’s just what you want and what you don’t want.

you can choose whether you want to act on your desire and ask for it. In some instances, you may decide to override your want and let it go.

It’s time to stop smashing down this piece of who you are. It’s time to turn inwards and re-discover what it is you really want, across all situations in your life.

Below are some empowering beliefs you can choose to adopt right now that will help you get more in touch with what you want.

It’s good to discover what I want It’s good to ask for what I want. It’s good to say what I want. It’s good to say what I don’t want. It’...

These statements are all true. These are a part of your upgraded, more accurate map of human relationships.

A chronic pattern of being unsure, never knowing what you want, looking to others, letting them make the decisions, and always putting them first will create resentment in you, frustration and resentment in them, and eventually create distance that erodes the relationship.

if you perpetually look to meet the needs of others, and disregard what you truly want, you diminish over time. You have less energy, vitality, and passion. You feel less happy and fulfilled. Over time you whittle away and have little to offer others because your cup is so empty.

Let’s take a moment, though, to bring these ideas out of your head and into your body and emotions, because that’s what makes the difference between information and transformation.

Stop hypnotizing yourself with the story that you don’t know enough about the subject, or that other people are smarter and you should just agree with them and keep silent.

Start looking inward in all settings–at work, in meetings, while speaking with your boss, with your spouse, your friends, and your parents. Ask yourself, “What do I think about this? What’s my opinion? What’s my perspective? How do I see the situation?”

You don’t have to even voice this at first. You just have to assess where you stand internally.

Notice if you agree with what someone is saying, or disagree. If you disagree internally, don’t immediately push that away with rationalizing and telling yourself to be more flexible and open-minded. Instead, honor that d...

Sometimes it is hard to honor your perspective because you’re not so sure inside yourself. Maybe you don’t know what you think about something, or where you stand on a topic. This might be from a lack of practice of discovering and honoring your perspective.

you may have years of habitually assuming your thoughts, opinions, and feelings about a subject don’t matter much. But as you examine what your perspective is more and more, your sense of certainty will grow stronger.

You also might be automatically assuming that other perspectives are more valid because you deem them as smarter and better. Part of this might be due to their age, experience, or status. It might also be a response to the level of certainty they have when they communicate. If they sound confide...

Certainty does not correlate with accuracy. Just because someone sounds certain, it does not mean that what they’re saying is accurate. It also doesn’t mean that it’s more thoug...

So, I said, “Interesting, I haven’t heard that before. What research did you read that said that?” “Well…” she replied, sheepishly, “I saw it on Supernanny.”

The truth is people just say stuff. They package it in certainty and lean on their education, experience, or status to make it sound like it’s highly researched and valid.

Start to pay attention to this phenomenon around you. Question the sources of people’s knowledge, and start to see through the illusion that others’ opinions are more intelligent or important than your own. Start to look inward and find your own thoughts and feelings about the subjects you encounter in your daily life.

One of the most empowering and liberating benefits of having boundaries is to know where you end and someone else begins. More specifically, you know what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s.

Without boundaries, this distinction is completely unclear and leads to the over-responsibility challenges

The sum of this problem can be described in this simple, highly inaccurate belief that we carry into all our relationships: If something is ...

If you’re upset or angry, it’s because I’ve done something wrong. If you’re disappointed or sad, I must have fallen short or done something to let you down. If you’re hurt, I must have said it wrong or done something wrong. It’s all my fault. Your feelings are my fault, ...

If one person is honest and shares a challenge they’re having in the relationship, the other person exclaims in pain and horror, “How could you say something like that to me?!” This is a defensive maneuver that is designed to shut down any sort of scary or uncomfortable conversations. Nine times out of ten it will work in the short term, especially if the person bringing up the complaint is nice. They will feel bad for bringing up their challenge and stuff it back down, going into apology and damage control mode.