Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

Now the conversation is about how mean or bad it was to share that hurtful thing, instead of addressing the underlying issue. Problem solved!

this pattern doesn’t really work in the long term because the problem is never addressed or resolved and ...

The one who uses guilt to shut the other person down is doing so because they’re scared of painful feeli...

by blocking communication they are inadvertently bringing about the very thing t...

“One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.” - Master Oogway

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

Take a moment to sit with that one. Breathe in and out. Re-read it several times. Try the personal version out: I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.

I am not responsible for my coworkers’ feelings, my boss’s feelings, my client’s feelings, my friend’s feelings, my wife or husband’s feelings, my kid’s feelings...

How does that feel to say that to yourself? Liberating? Relieving? Perhaps a little uncomfortable or wrong, as if you...

Whatever is happening inside you, simply slow down, br...

We want to slow way down here because our minds, and nice-person programming, can fire up quickly and try to ...

Nice Police sirens start wailing and this dissenting, Not-Nice idea must be captured and remo...

you intellectually agree that you’re not responsible, but emotionally you feel responsible for the feelings and actions of others.

You may think this is part of being a good, kind, thoughtful person. And there is some truth to that.

Some containment of our immediate thoughts and reactions is valuable in relationships.

if we’re seething with rage or resentment, it’s best to just be quiet for a few minutes in order to calm down. To not send that text, or email, or storm into the kitchen and start ranting at our partners.

But we can take this too far. Way too far. We can start to assume that anything that might lead to a negative reaction or uncomfortable emotion in someone els...

So instead of having only more extreme things on our “bad list,” like yelling or harshly criticizing others, we start to add things like: asking for what we want, disagreeing with someone, telling someone we don’t like something or are upset, changi...

more and more behaviors be...

We start to view others as fragile creatures who couldn’t possibly handle a...

We start to view ourselves as extremely powerful demi-gods who can crush the hearts of othe...

We think to ourselves: I couldn’t possibly do that to her; that would break his heart; he’d be crush...

The reality is you couldn’t handle that. Or, to use more accurate language, you don’t want to experience your own discomfort about another person having strong feelings. It stirs up too ...

it will never create lasting and satisfying relationships. This is because close relationships in...

It’s impossible to not have moments of disappointment, hurt, conflict...

When we believe a relationship should only involve happy, loving feelings, and never include discomfort, we avoid all topics and ...

This keeps relationships superficial, distant, and lacking passion. We keep ever...

While this might avoid a certain kind of immediate discomfort of going into messy feelings and conversations, we also miss out on the deep joy, happiness, and fulfillment that c...

We end up feeling deeply alone inside, in spite of having loving ...

The second problem with the avoid discomfort approach is that it keeps you and others stuck as vic...

Victims see life happening to them. Forces outside of their selves determine how they feel, what they do, and whether or not they have the life they want.

A Creator, on the other hand, realizes this: If my life is not the way I want it to be, then it’s my responsibility to change my attitude and approach to my circumstances.

Over time, and through consistent action, I can create the life I want. I won’t get there by blaming others, telling myself that I suck, or any other avoidance maneuver.

I must step up, face my fear, and take bold action...

When you treat others as fragile, as if they can’t handle the truth about what you want, how you feel, or how you think, ...

When you take responsibility for them, you are keeping them in...

Are you responsible for how they handle what you say? Are you responsible for how they handle their feelings? Are you responsible for their choices, such as to drink or how they handle themselves in their job? Are you responsible for their happiness? Are you responsible for them having a sense of purpose in life and pursuing their goals and dreams?

That’s a heavy burden to bear in any relationship. Managing all of these things for yourself is quite enough, isn’t it?

The truth is, you are not responsible for their lives. They are. And they are not victims that require you to take ca...

Even if the other person sees themselves as a victim, and even tries to get you to agree, do not buy i...

It’s a trick they’ve pulled on themselves and many people around ...

The truth is underneath their stories and excuses they are a powerful force that...

They are a creator in their lives, just like...

Sometimes, people don’t realize their power until they are tested. Sometimes people need to experience enough pain from liv...

The best thing you can do for others is to respect their dignity by seeing them as a powerful creator, no matter how they see themselves.

Do not buy into their Victim story. And beware of moving through the world taking responsibility for everyone, assuming they’re all Victims.

They are not small children. They are adults. Powerful beings who do not need you to handle everything for them and protect them from all...

We all know that intellectually telling yourself that you’re not responsible is one thing, but a profound shift in how you feel is what’s going to transform your relationships and your life.

What really makes people upset?

all that hustling, you may not have ever stopped to ask this core question: What really makes people upset?