How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” —Peggy O’Mara

TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! I’m not suggesting that you then stand by and cheer as Junior slugs his friend Jimmy in the nose, or that you immediately start cooking up a mushroom and cheddar cheese omelet for your demanding toddler who has just complained about the pancakes. Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.

To me, a missed TV show does not qualify as worthy of a meltdown. But a child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us. The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.

Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

Sit on those “buts.”

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given.

If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing

Seeing their feelings and desires written down in black and white can be very powerful, even for prereaders.

Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”

TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art

Match the emotion. Be dramatic!

TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality

Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.

You don’t have to figure out the cause of the feelings in order to empathize. You can say, “You seem sad.” “Something upset you.” Or even just, “Something happened.” That kind of phrase invites your child to talk if she feels like it, but also gives comfort if she doesn’t feel like talking.

TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention

You can continue to listen to your child, responding with an empathic, “Ugh!,” “Mmm,” “Ooh,” or “Huh.” Often that’s all you need. By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings.

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

TOOL #1: Be Playful

One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.

Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.

In my experience, if you can muster up a little playfulness, it actually takes less energy than having to deal with all the whining and resistance you get from a direct order. It also sets a nice tone. Even if orders are more efficient, the mood will be brighter with playfulness. It makes people feel more loving and cooperative.

TOOL #2: Offer a Choice

Don’t turn a choice into a threat.

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!

TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge

As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details. Delegate! It’s less work for you in the long run, and your child will enjoy some independence.

TOOL #4: Give Information

You don’t always need elaborate preparation to put your child in the driver’s seat. Often it’s enough to give her simple information instead of an order. Here’s how it works. You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do. A valuable lesson indeed. You’re offering your child useful knowledge for the future, in place of a rule that might be followed only when you’re around to enforce it.

Part of the beauty of using this tool is that it’s not too irritating when it doesn’t work. When you give a child a direct order— “Buckle your seat belt, now!”—and she doesn’t comply, it’s infuriating. But when you give her information and she doesn’t act on it, you can move on to another tool without feeling the sting of direct defiance. You’ll be in a better mood to try something else.

TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)

TOOL #6: Describe What You See

If you can restrict yourself to a simple description, without adding an irritating command or accusation, you may find your child willing to help out.

Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.

TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel

It’s not a good idea to pretend to be calm until we explode (and most of us will explode eventually). It can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry. It’s hard for them to figure out what’s going on when our words don’t match our emotions.

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

Even if you use the perfect wording, it’s difficult for a young child to handle strong negative emotions from an adult. Use words like angry and furious sparingly. It’s easier to hear words like upset, or frustrated, or I don’t like it when without feeling attacked.

TOOL #8: Write a Note

When you find yourself repeating the same plea again and again until you’re sick of your own voice, it may be time to write a note. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t know how to read. The written word has a mysterious power that spoken words do not. A note can be more effective than a nagging voice.

TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult

Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time. They’re also more likely to cooperate with another adult, such as a teacher, and more likely to follow rules when no adults are present to control them. Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!

Before we start dutifully doling out consequences and punishment, I’d like to take a moment to define our terms. Just what do we mean by natural or logical consequences? And what lessons are we teaching when we punish?