How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

Let’s start with natural consequences. We can’t give a child a natural consequence. The only truly natural consequences are the ones found in nature. They happen without us having to do anything. If you pull a dog’s ear, you may get bitten. If you stick your hand in a fire, you get burned. If you step off the edge of a cliff, gravity will cause you to plummet to the ground below.

As for logical consequences, the “logic” is highly debatable. If you continually arrive late for my workshop, despite my warning that lateness is unacceptable, I may fin...

As you may be starting to suspect, these are not true exercises in logic. They’re really more of a free association, where we try to think of a way to make the wrongdoer suffer. We hope that the suffering will motivate the offender to do better in the future.

Let’s be honest. From the point of view of the child, getting a consequence and getting a punishment are two different names for the same thing.

The child is experiencing the same emotional distress or physical pain no matter what label we paste on our actions. Either way, our intent is to find some way to make the child suffer, or at least feel bad, in the hope that she will be discouraged from repeating her unacceptable behavior.

When you’ve committed yourself to using punishment to solve a conflict and the punishment isn’t harsh enough to be effective, you’re in a dangerous position. You may find yourself locked in to using harsher and harsher punishments.

The punishment doesn’t address the underlying problem.

Often a strong-willed child who is punished becomes more determined to defy authority. Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.1

Punishment can distract a child from the important lesson she needs to learn. Instead of feeling an urge to fix the problem or make amends, punishment prompts a child to think selfishly.

Even when punishment does work to eliminate an unwanted behavior, the victory may come at a high cost. A child who is punished harshly can develop other problems, from fear and timidity to aggression toward other children.

the punishments we mete out to our children give them a blueprint for how to approach conflict in their lives. We have to ask ourselves if we want them to use these methods on their peers and siblings.

The key question is: how do we want our children to approach conflict? Do we want them to think about what they should do to the other person—take something away or inflict pain—or do we want them to think what can I do to solve this problem?

TOOL #1: Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!”

TOOL #2: Show Your Child How to Make Amends

The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.

TOOL #3: Offer a Choice

Sometimes a youngster needs help to redirect his energy. A choice can help him move on to a more acceptable activity.

TOOL #4: Take Action Without Insult If your little firecracker continues to pose a hazard to himself and others, you may have to take action: “We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now.”

Notice that we are giving a very clear message to the child that we are not acting to punish, but to protect.

“What about the next time we go to the park? If I just keep gently preventing my child from causing harm—to himself, to others, or to property—what is going to inspire him to change his behavior? With no punishment, isn’t he ‘getting away with it?’ ” Don’t close the book yet! We have a tool for you that will be more effective than punishment in motivating your child to change his behavior in the future.

TOOL #5: Try Problem-Solving

One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger. After the storm has passed, invite your child to sit down with you.

The first step of problem-solving is to acknowledge your child’s feelings. This is the most important step, and the most frequently skipped! Without acknowledging feelings first, you won’t get far. Your child needs to know that you can see things from his point of view and understand what he’s feeling, or he won’t be open to any of the suggestions that follow.

The second step is to describe the problem. Here’s where you can talk about your feelings or other people’s feelings. Unfortunately this part has to be short. You can’t go on and on, or you’ll sink the ship before it sails.

The third step is to ask for ideas. For this step you’re going to need paper and pencil. Be sure to write down all ideas, no matter how outrageous. If you start rejecting ideas at this stage of the game (“Oh no, that would never work!”) your child will quickly lose interest. As a matter of fact, it’s nice to start out by putting some truly preposterous ideas on your list.

The fourth step is to decide which ideas you both like and cross out the ones that neither of you like.

The last step is to try out your solutions. Get a magnet, stick your list of ideas on the refrigerator, and wait for opportunity to strike. Bring your list to

Chances are that if your child participated in coming up with solutions, he’ll be eager to try them out.

You skipped the whole punishment phase of the parenting journey and went directly to solving the problem.

But what if it doesn’t work? Then it’s back to the drawing board. You need new ideas. The beauty of problem-solving is that, unlike punishment, it offers endless possibilities. If you’re committed to punishment and your child continues to misbehave, all you can do is punish more severely.

If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations.

When children are not ready to behave in a way that is safe for themselves and others, we default to managing the environment.

Problem-solving doesn’t always have to be a laborious, time-consuming, multistep activity. Sometimes it’s a simple shift in perspective. Instead of thinking, “How can I control this child?” we can think of our child as being on the same team and invite his help and participation.

Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.

The battle over the TV remote control may seem petty to you. Who cares whether the kids watch a show where various objects are blown up in the name of science, or a cartoon about a fruit-dwelling sponge creature? Keep in mind, this conflict matters just as much to your children as any dispute with a coworker, friend, or relative matters to you.

Children need practice resolving their “childish” disputes so they can become grown-ups who can peacefully resolve their adult disputes. This is the work of childhood.

You’ll have to resist the urge to take sides.

Avoid the temptation to solve their problem for them.

But you can’t just walk away, either. (Sorry if you were hoping for that!) Unless your kids are already experienced problem-solvers, they’ll still need your help and guidance.

Remove the disputed object temporarily.

Your next job is to listen and reflect back each child’s perspective.

Then you’ll say, “Hmmm, what can we do so that both of you get to see the show you like? Should we take turns? Should we make a schedule and have certain days for each person to decide? What do you guys think will work?”

Your kids will be pleased with themselves when they come up with their own plan. What’s more, they’ll be learning to fight less and negotiate more when they have conflicts in the future.

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

An eye-opening study found that when people are offered large monetary rewards to complete a challenge, their creativity and engagement in the task plummets. Rewards helped people perform well on some very simple mechanical tasks, but as soon as they needed cognitive skills, rewards interfered with their ability to function.

It turns out that the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).

I’m not saying you shouldn’t use incentives. Just use them for your kids the way you use them for yourself.

In the same spirit, you might tell your children, “Let’s think of a good snack we can have on the ride home. That way we can look forward to getting into the car, even though it’s sad to leave your friend’s house.” The difference is that you’re not saying “if you get in the car, then I’ll give you a treat.” You’re planning your exit strategy together as a team.

You can let them know that fun activities await them when chores are finished. “As soon as we get our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories.” “As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.

My answer is that the reason time-outs aren’t working for you is that time-outs don’t work.3 The main weakness of the “time-out” is that it doesn’t address the problem.