How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

putting children’s feelings and desires into words is helpful, even when we can’t give them what they want. When kids feel understood they also feel more calm, connected, and able to tolerate frustration.

TOOL #4: Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child

Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.

Just because your kid did something yesterday doesn’t mean he can do it today. Just because he can do something in the morning when he’s fresh, doesn’t mean he can do it in the afternoon when he’s tired. Kids aren’t consistent in their use of new skills.

TOOL #5: Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Write a Note, Use a Gesture, Draw a Picture, Sing

TOOL #6: Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t

The next time you need to stop your child, try redirecting him instead. Think of a runaway train heading for a precipice. It’s better to switch tracks to avert catastrophe than to try to stop all that momentum cold.

TOOL #7: Be Playful!

Kids who are wired differently may be delayed in their developmental milestones. They may be ever-so-much-more-so in their sensitivities. But they have a commonality with all children. They want to be understood, to act autonomously, and to feel competent. They need adults in their lives who can connect with them and support them in their quest.

The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.

Kids can’t act right when they don’t feel right. Little kids aren’t always aware that they’re feeling bad because they’re tired or hungry. It’s up to us to keep those possibilities in mind and to offer sustenance and slumber when those two vital ingredients might be lacking.

One of the best things we can do for children in times of stress is to give them time to recover from the physical changes of anger, fear, and frustration. Don’t expect a child to be able to “snap out of it” immediately.

And don’t forget that adults need recovery time, too. Give it to yourself if you can. Instead of trying to force yourself to act calm when you’re feeling anything but, let children know, “I’m still very upset! I need some time to feel better. I’ll be able to help you in a few minutes.”

The next basic need I want to address in this fractional chapter is the need not to be overwhelmed. If too many demands are made and too many frustrations have piled up, even a simple, respectful request can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. We need to be aware of when a child is nearing his breaking point so we don’t add that last seemingly harmless straw.

watch out for all those “straws,” both hidden and obvious, that may be overwhelming your child. When the load is getting heavy, spend more time relaxing and reconnecting and less time making demands—of yourself or your child.

Finally, we need to match our expectations to the child’s stage of development and level of experience. This is not the book to turn to for an exhaustive discussion of developmental stages,1 but we can’t get away without mentioning it. When things are going badly it may be helpful to ask yourself, Am I expecting my child to behave in a way that is beyond his current level of ability?

Resist the urge to . . . . . . insist that your child clean his or her plate, eat a specific food, or eat a predetermined amount. . . . offer dessert as a reward for eating healthy food, or withhold it as a punishment for not eating. . . . be a short-order cook. . . . label your child a picky eater. . . . make food a battleground!

1. Acknowledge Feelings “Even though you usually like chicken, you’re not in the mood for it tonight.”

2. Offer Choices • Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself. • Serve some of the meal as simple separates so kids can make choices about what they put on their plates.

3. Manage the Environment Keep sweets and sugary drinks out of sight. Make it easy to avoid temptation!

4. Put the Child in Charge Let kids have as much involvement as possible in planning, shopping, as well as preparing the meal, if you can tolerate some food landing on the floor.

5. Give Information Let kids know that “tastes change,” so they don’t feel stuck with their limited palate. Tell them, “You might want to give this a try when you’re ready.”

Morning Madness 1. Be Playful

2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to walk to the car the regular way or backward?”

3. Put the Child in Charge “Can you set the timer? I need you to let me know when it’s time to go out the door.”

Try Problem-Solving “It’s not easy to remember all the things we have to do in the morning. What do yo...

5. Acknowledge Feelings “It isn’t easy to get out of a warm, cozy bed. It’s nice to snugg...

Sibling Rivalry 1. Accept Feelings “It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!”

2. Give Wishes in Fantasy: Let the older child pretend to be a baby “Come sit on my lap and be my super baby.”

3. Describe What You See: Notice and appreciate the positive interactions between siblings “You figured out how to cheer u...

4. Put the Child in Charge so that he has an opportunity to see himself differently “Can you pick a board book for the baby? ...

5. Reconnect With Your Child • Plan for Special One-on-One Time “Would you like to make cookies when the baby takes her nap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up truck book?” • Tell the Older Child S...

6. Take Action Without Insult: Avoid casting a child in the role of aggressor “We need to separate. I do...

7. Try Problem-Solving: Resist the urge to take sides and don’t m...

Shopping with Children 1. Put the Child in Charge Have him help make a shopping list and gather groceries to put in the cart.

2. Offer a Choice “Should we get the spiral pasta or the elbow pasta? You pick!”

3. Acknowledge Feelings with a Wish List

4. Give Information—Let Children Know What to Expect “We’re going shopping for Elena’s birthday present today. Let’s bring the wish list in case you see something you’d like for yourself.”

Lies 1. Describe What You See: Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious.

2. Describe How You Feel “I’m upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!”

Acknowledge Feelings “It’s not easy to resist cake. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it.”

4. Try Problem-Solving: Make a plan for the future “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we ca...

5. Adjust Expectations: Manage the environment ins...

6. Help the Child Make Amends “We’re going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you get out some cookies and arrange them nicely on a plate?”

Parents Have Feelings, Too! 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly Instead of, “You’re being rude!” Try, “I don’t like being told I’m mean. It makes me mad.”

2. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can tell me, ‘Mommy, I’m disappointed! I wanted to go!’ ”

3. Don’t Forget the Basics—Give Yourself and Your Chi...

Tattling 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Jenna didn’t like being poked. That hurt!”

2. Help the Child Make Amends (without scolding)

3. Try Problem-Solving