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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
March 5 - March 7, 2025
Shy Kids 1. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be hard to walk into a new house filled with relatives. Lots of people want to say hello to you. That can feel scary.”
2. Adjust Expectations: Give a child something to do instead of pressuring him to be social.
3. Offer a Choice “Do you want to sit on the couch and watch the kids set up the trains? Or do you want to have a snack with the grown-ups first?”
4. Be Playful
5. Put the Child in Charge “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”
Little Runaways 1. Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child
2. Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings “You don’t like it when your hand is squeezed. You want to be free to look around.”
3. Describe Your Own Feelings “I worry that drivers backing out of parking spaces can’t see children.”
4. Offer a Choice “You can ride in the cart or yo...
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5. Be P...
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6. Try Problem-Solving
7. Take Action Without Insult Grab your kid and go home. “We can’t stay here. I have to watch the baby and I’m too worried about losing sight of you by the river.”
Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing 1. Take Action Without Insult • Make everybody safe “We need to separate!” • Attend to injuries “Let me kiss that bump. Do you want a piece of ice for your head?”
2. Express Your Feelings Strongly “I don’t like seeing Isabel hurt!” “That makes me very upset!”
3. Help the Child Make Amends “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you...
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4. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be very frustrating to have a little sister grabbing your things.” “It’s not easy to resist h...
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5. Give Information “No pushing allowed in this house. Daddy is not allowed to push me. You are not allowed to push your sister, and she is not allowed to push you. And I am not allowed to pu...
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6. Try Problem-Solving “Sometimes your little sister can drive you crazy! What can a person do when his sister i...
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When “Engaging Cooperation” Tools Don’t Work “When I find myself hitting a wall, my mantra is, ‘When in doubt, go back to acknowledging feelings.’
Sometimes it can seem as if you made a child feel worse by naming her painful feelings. What’s going on?
“Just because we say the ‘right thing’ to our children doesn’t mean they’re going to cheer up on our time line.
If your patience runs thin or you run out of time, you can take care of your own needs without blaming the child. Instead of, “Come on now, that’s enough crying. This isn’t so terrible,” you can say, “I see how sad you are. I need to start making dinner now. Come to the kitchen and keep me company when you feel like it.”
And sometimes the best approach is to say nothing! There are times when children prefer to be left alone, without any interference at all, even when they’re struggling. Children (and adults) don’t always appreciate a running commentary about how they’re feeling. Keep in mind that kids will cry, tempers will fly (as will toys and juice cups). We can’t shield our children from all distress, nor should we. They can’t learn how to handle adversity without wrestling with it a bit.
Troubleshooting 1. When a child is too upset to cooperate, go back to Acknowledging Feelings
Make sure your tone of voice matches the emotion
Try a grunt instead of words
Put your child’s thoughts into words
Tell the story of what happened
2. Give your child Time to Recover (and give yourself a break!) “I can see how sad you are. I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner. Come join me when you’re ready.”
3. Help a child climb out of the pit of despair by Acknowledging Feelings, Giving Information, and Offering Choices
4. Take Action and stick to your values; if you regularly cave in to whining and complaints, the tools won’t work “You wish we could have candy for breakfast! I’m putting it out of sight. The choices are cereal or eggs.”
5. Check on “The Basics” Is your child lacking food or sleep, or feeling overwhelmed? Is your child developmentally ready to do what you’re expecting?
