How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

If our intent is to foster a better relationship between siblings, time-out is not the answer. So what can you do? First you can comfort your daughter and express your feelings strongly to your son. “I don’t like to see people pushed! Even when you’re angry!”

You can invite your son to make amends, if the mood is right. “Ella is crying. How can we make her feel better? Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a pretzel?”

Once the drama is over, you can have a conversation about how difficult it is to build with blocks when a little sister is around. A big brother needs ideas for what to do next time so he won’t end up hurting his sister. Maybe he can play with blocks in his room. Maybe he can make a tower for her to knock down. Maybe he can have a special word that he uses when he needs you to come and help very quickly. Any of these solutio...

This is not to say that you won’t sometimes have to separate a child from a situation that is overwhelming him. If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not t...

You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!

When we know we’re headed for trouble, like the proverbial Boy Scout, we can be prepared! We don’t have to wait for disaster to strike. When you plan ahead with your children, so much the better!

There’s no telling what solution kids will come up with when a problem is put in their hands. When the solution is their own, it will usually work for them. And when you have multiple kids, you have multiple problem-solvers instead of just multiple problems.

When we use problem-solving in place of punishment, we are truly modeling the attitude we want our kids to take toward conflict in their lives. Not “I’m a bad kid who doesn’t deserve a bedtime story.” Not “I’m a failure as a mom because I screamed at my kid,” but rather, “How can I fix my mistake?” “How can I make things work better?” “What should I try next time?”

This cooperative approach to conflict will grow with your child. As youngsters mature, their ability to problem-solve grows with them. When your children are out in the world you won’t be able to keep them safe by force. The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you. The fact that you are willing to consider their feelings and solicit their opinions will keep their hearts and minds open to your feelings and opinions.

The first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise. When a child is engaged in an activity, there is no need to disturb her concentration by looming over her and offering unsolicited comments. Give her space!

TOOL #1: Describe What You See

let a child know that you noticed and appreciated something he did—without evaluation or judgment, which could discourage him from future efforts.

Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.

TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others

We all want our kids to be good citizens. We’d like to encourage their efforts to help others. But we need to beware the temptation to judge their character. Stick with description!

Instead of, “You’re a good girl.” You can say, “You carried those grocery bags all the way to the kitchen. That was a big help!”

Instead of, “You’re the best big brother!” You can say, “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. ...

TOOL #3 Describe Effort

It’s no surprise that children who are told they are smart and talented often fall apart when they encounter their first real challenges. When things are easy for them, their label is confirmed. They are the best and the brightest. But when they find themselves struggling, as eventually they will, their faith in themselves is shaken. Maybe I’m not so smart after all. Better to stick to the safety zone and not reveal weakness.

Instead of, “What a smart boy you are!” You can say, “You kept on working on that puzzle until you figured it out.”

Instead of, “You’re very talented at gymnastics.” You can say, “I saw you climbing onto that balance beam again and again until you walked the whole beam without falling off.”

TOOL #4: Describe Progress

One advantage of descriptive praise is that you can use it even when things aren’t going particularly well, by pointing out what has been achieved so far.

When a child is making a mess or struggling with a task, it’s tempting to point out what she’s doing wrong. After all, won’t that help her improve? The problem is, criticism in the midst of a struggle can be discouraging. On the other hand, inauthentic praise (“Don’t worry, you’re doing fine!”) can be infuriating (“No, I am NOT doing fine!”).

With descriptive praise, we can point out progress in a way that feels supportive and genuine. Often pointing out one positive thing is more ef...

Sometimes we do need to point out what’s wrong. Kids don’t always notice on their own. In a case like this it’s important to appreciate the positive first. If you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative. And even then it’s most useful to put your criticism in positive terms. Talk about what “needs to be done” rather than what is still wrong.

you’ll be more likely to inspire a child to finish cleaning if you notice what he has accomplished so far: “I can see you got your dirty clothes in the laundry basket, you hung up your wet towel, and there’s a clear path from the door to the bed! Now all this room needs to be ready for company is for the blocks to be tossed into their box and the dirty tissues on the desk to be thrown in the garbage can.”

Are you getting the idea that description is more genuine than the old style of praise? We don’t have to be inauthentic and tell a child he is wonderful and his work is great in order to inflate his ego. We can give him specific descriptive feedback that is realistic and helpful.

Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.

Time to switch gears and acknowledge feelings. When kids are unhappy, we don’t have to prop them up with frantic praise. It’s more helpful to say, “Ugh, you are not happy with the way that bicycle came out. It doesn’t look like what you see in your head. It’s not easy to draw a bike. It’s hard to put something from real life onto a flat piece of paper and get it to look right.”

Your child may respond with renewed efforts to draw that infernal two-wheeler. Or he may decide on his own to draw a ball instead. Either way, your emotional support helped him through his moment of frustration, and he can think more clearly.

When a child is feeling down, it’s more helpful to acknowledge feelings first, instead of offering empty reassurance: “It’s frustrating to see other kids get across all the monkey bars when you can’t do it yet.” “It sounds like you’re feeling discouraged about reading. It’s annoying to be stuck with a picture book when you want to be reading chapter books.”

But that’s not the end of the conversation. When a child is feeling low, you’ll want to give him a picture of himself that inspires him to strive.

Give a child a new picture of himself.

It’s time to tell your child a story about himself. And this is a story only you can tell. You know your kid like no other!

“I’m pretty sure that if you want to master those monkey bars you will get there. When you want to do something you are a pretty determined kid. I remember when you were just five months old, too young to crawl. But you wanted to get to that dog bowl. You kept trying and trying. I had to go to the bathroom, and I thought it would be okay to leave you alone for just a minute. But when I got back, there you were, munchi...

Another way to give a child a new picture of himself is to give him opportunities to demonstrate his competence.

You may find yourself “needing help” a whole lot in the near future, with opening jar lids, filling juice glasses, finding your glasses, tightening screws, buckling the baby into the carseat, feeding the animals, arranging dessert on a plate, handing out art supplies, collecting papers, shutting doors, and turning off lights. Don’t forget to enlist your competent child or student to give you a hand. And then be sure to appreciate the help with descriptive praise.

When a parent or teacher says, “I’m proud of you,” she’s taking credit herself for the child’s accomplishment. When she describes what the child has achieved, the child gets the credit. When in doubt, credit the child.

Instead of, “You’re riding without training wheels. I’m so proud of you!” You can say, “You did it! You figured out how to balance on your bike without training wheels. You must be pretty pleased with yourself!”

Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

we don’t want a child to feel that our pride in his success comes at the expense of others’ failures. We don’t want him to feel threatened by the accomplishments of his rapidly growing sibling, or the triumphs of his classmates.

By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths. That’s how children form their image of themselves. These are more than nice individual moments. We’re creating a stockpile of memories that cannot be taken away.

These are the things he can draw upon to give himself confidence in the face of adversity and discouragement. In the past he did something he was proud of, and he has, within himself, the power to do it again.

Before we can hope to acknowledge feelings or engage cooperation or solve problems, we need to connect. TOOL #1: Join Them in Their World

The next time your child seems to be in her own world, uninterested in relating to you or anyone else, and you have a little extra energy to spare, try getting down on the floor (or wherever your child happens to be) and joining her in her world.

TOOL #2: Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing

There is value to giving a child the experience that he can handle frustration, with your sympathy and support. When we demonstrate generosity of spirit by accepting feelings, we help our children become more resilient, and we increase their ability to deal with the inevitable bumps and detours in the road of life.

TOOL #3: Put into Words What Kids Want to Say

Like us, children who have difficulty communicating still want to express themselves and be understood. We can help by putting into words what they want to say, as best we can. For early talkers, this may mean picking out the few words we do understand (“Oh, an elephant! You’re saying elephant!”).