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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
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January 17 - January 25, 2024
TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others
We’d like to encourage their efforts to help others. But we need to beware the temptation to judge their character. Stick with description!
Instead of, “You’re a good girl.” You can say, “You carried those grocery bags all the way to the kitchen. That was a big help!” Instead of, “You’re the best big brother!” You can say, “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.”
TOOL #3 Describe Effort
“Wow . . . that’s a really good score. You must have worked really hard.” A different kind of message: You stuck with it. You kept trying until you figured out all the problems.
Now the two groups were asked if they would like to try an even more challenging set of math questions. Guess who said yes and who said no. If you guessed that the first group said no, give yourself some praise! When a child has done well and been told that she’s gifted and talented, why would she risk her status by trying something more difficult?
The children in the second group, whose efforts had been described, were enthusiastic about taking on a more challenging task.
It’s no surprise that children who are told they are smart and talented often fall apart when they encounter their first real challenges.
Here’s how it sounds when you praise effort instead of evaluating the child: Instead of, “What a smart boy you are!” You can say, “You kept on working on that puzzle until you figured it out.” Instead of, “You’re very talented at gymnastics.” You can say, “I saw you climbing onto that balance beam again and again until you walked the whole beam without falling off.” Instead of, “Good job dressing yourself.” Try, “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.”
TOOL #4: Describe Progress
Instead of pointing out what’s wrong . . . “This handwriting is so sloppy it’s almost impossible to read, honey. It looks like a chicken with muddy feet walked across your paper. You need to at least try to get the letters on the line.” . . . you’ll have a more motivated child if you point out what’s right: “Look at this letter B! It’s a real beauty contest winner. It sits so politely on the line. It’s not busting through the floor and bothering the downstairs neighbors. It’s not flying up in the air and banging on the ceiling.”
If you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative. And even then it’s most useful to put your criticism in positive terms. Talk about what “needs to be done” rather than what is still wrong.
Instead of focusing on the mistakes . . . “I can see you haven’t been practicing. You’re playing a lot of wrong notes, and your rhythm is wrong, too. Quarter notes aren’t the same as half notes!” . . . you’ll give a child the confidence to tackle the hard parts if you start by focusing on what he’s accomplished so far: “Those first two measures make me want to dance. I get a lively feeling when I hear the staccato notes. I can imagine a little frog jumping. The second line has a tricky rhythm. Let’s work on that next.”
Are you getting the idea that description is more genuine than the old style of praise?
Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.
Time to switch gears and acknowledge feelings. When kids are unhappy, we don’t have to prop them up with frantic praise. It’s more helpful to say, “Ugh, you are not happy with the way that bicycle came out. It doesn’t look like what you see in your head. It’s not easy to draw a bike. It’s hard to put something from real life onto a flat piece of paper and get it to look right.”
Another situation in which our impulse is to offer reassuring words of praise is when a child compares himself to his peers and finds himself lacking. “Everybody can climb the monkey bars except me! I can’t even get across two. I’m the worst in the whole class.” “Ethan and Jason can already read chapter books. I’m the slowest one at reading.” Our instinct is to jump in with words of praise to bolster our child’s flagging self-esteem. “Oh no, honey, you’re really good at climbing.” “You’re a really good reader! You’re doing an excellent job. I’m sure there are lots of kids who aren’t as good as
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But that’s not the end of the conversation. When a child is feeling low, you’ll want to give him a picture of himself that inspires him to strive.
Give a child a new picture of himself.
It’s time to tell your child a story about himself. And this is a story only you can tell. You know your kid like no other! “I’m pretty sure that if you want to master those monkey bars you will get there. When you want to do something you are a pretty determined kid. I remember when you were just five months old, too young to crawl. But you wanted to get to that dog bowl.
Another way to give a child a new picture of himself is to give him opportunities to demonstrate his competence. “Rashi, can you help me with this key? It’s sticking in the lock again.”
You may find yourself “needing help” a whole lot in the near future, with opening jar lids, filling juice glasses, finding your glasses, tightening screws, buckling the baby into the carseat, feeding the animals, arranging dessert on a plate, handing out art supplies, collecting papers, shutting doors, and turning off lights. Don’t forget to enlist your competent child or student to give you a hand. And then be sure to appreciate the help with descriptive praise.
Here’s my reservation about that statement. When a parent or teacher says, “I’m proud of you,” she’s taking credit herself for the child’s accomplishment. When she describes what the child has achieved, the child gets the credit. When in doubt, credit the child.
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Instead of, “You’re riding without training wheels. I’m so proud of you!” You can say, “You did it! You figured out how to balance on your bike without training wheels. You must be pretty pleased with yourself!”
Resist the urge to praise by comparison.
Sometimes we want to give a little boost by comparing a child favorably to his peers.
The problem is, we don’t want a child to feel that our pride in his success comes at the expense of others’ failures. We don’t want him to feel threatened by the accomplishments of his rapidly growing sibling, or the triumphs of his classmates. Instead you can stick with describing his actions, his efforts, his progress, and his effect on others:
If you still have doubts about praise that evaluates versus praise that describes, try it on yourself. Here’s the scenario: Your partner arrives home from work to find that you’ve cleaned up the kitchen, gotten the kids bathed and PJ’ed, and prepared a hot meal for the family. Using the language we so often apply to our kids, your partner says enthusiastically, “Wow, you are such a good spouse! What a perfect marriage I have. Great job, honey. I’m proud of you!” Did you feel patronized? Did you feel a little offended by the assumption that you wish to be judged? Did you wonder, So what if I’m
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Wonderful analogy here
TOOL #2: Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing
When a child is being difficult, our impulse is to focus on what we want him to do. He has to get those socks on, eat breakfast, take a bath, start therapy. We don’t stop to think about how he’s feeling. And even if we do, it can be hard to figure out just what the heck those feelings are.
When we demonstrate generosity of spirit by accepting feelings, we help our children become more resilient, and we increase their ability to deal with the inevitable bumps and detours in the road of life.
TOOL #3: Put into Words What Kids Want to Say
You’re very hungry. You try your best to ask for scrambled eggs—kwazikrai—but the only response you get is, “F’wij troyk thwarpel, brigahzee par klafik” (which means, “I don’t understand you; speak more clearly”). Feeling frustrated, you try again, shouting “Kwazikrai!” Your host responds in Kwarben, saying, “I can’t hear you when you shout.” How long will it be before you give up, or cry, or throw a shoe at your host?
Even if my host can’t figure out exactly what I want, I would feel better if she said, “You want something! You need it right away!” Ah, I’ve communicated at least part of my message. She’s getting it! I’ll keep trying.
Parents and teachers in my workshop were surprised to discover that putting children’s feelings and desires into words is helpful, even when we can’t give them what they want. When kids feel understood they also feel more calm, connected, and able to tolerate frustration.
TOOL #4: Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child
Once people made the shift from trying to change the kids to changing their expectations, they found many ways to make life more pleasant for their children and themselves.
Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.
TOOL #5: Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Write a Note, Use a Gesture, Draw a Picture, Sing
TOOL #6: Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t
Even when children understand our individual words, they may fail to grasp what we’re trying to say. This is especially true of children who are on the autism spectrum or have other developmental delays. They tend to interpret words literally, which can lead to misunderstandings.
you tell a child what not to do, you may be confusing him. You can’t assume that he’ll automatically know what to do.
Adult wants to say: Tell them what they can do: “Don’t chase the kitty.” “You can wiggle this yarn for the kitty.” “Don’t wake the baby.” “Let’s use our whisper voices.” “Don’t run in the parking lot.” “Hand-holding time.” “Don’t throw sand.” “Sand is for pouring and digging.” “Don’t be so bossy.” “I like to be asked, ‘Can you please help me?’ ” “Don’t wiggle while I’m trying to tie your shoelaces.” “Time to freeze like a statue!” “Don’t throw laundry.” “You can throw your stuffed animals.” “Don’t jump on the couch.” “You can jump from the bottom step to the beanbag chair.”
TOOL #7: Be Playful!
They want to be understood, to act autonomously, and to feel competent. They need adults in their lives who can connect with them and support them in their quest. We hope these tools will make it easier for you to do just that.
the obvious can be easily overlooked by a weary parent: We need to meet basic needs before any communication tools will work for us.
The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.
more basics that may be a little less obvious than food and sleep. One of these is the biological need for recovery time. When we get angry, our bodies are flooded with hormones. Our heart rate increases and our blood pressure rises, making us more likely to withdraw or react with aggression.
One of the best things we can do for children in times of stress is to give them time to recover from the physical changes of anger, fear, and frustration. Don’t expect a child to be able to “snap out of it” immediately.
Instead of trying to force yourself to act calm when you’re feeling anything but, let children know, “I’m still very upset! I need some time to feel better. I’ll be able to help you in a few minutes.”
