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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
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January 17 - January 25, 2024
The next basic need I want to address in this fractional chapter is the need not to be overwhelmed. If too many demands are made and too many frustrations have piled up, even a simple, respectful request can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.
A long day at school and after-school care, the loss of a familiar au pair, a new school, a new house, new teachers, a new schedule, a distracted mom, an unpleasant chore of cutting nails—Eli might have been able to handle any one of these things, but all together, it was too much!
The moral of the story is: watch out for all those “straws,” both hidden and obvious, that may be overwhelming your child. When the load is getting heavy, spend more time relaxing and reconnecting and less time making demands—of yourself or your child.
Finally, we need to match our expectations to the child’s stage of development and level of experience. This is not the book to turn to for an exhaustive discussion of developmental stages,1 but we can’t get away without mentioning it. When things are going badly it may be helpful to ask yourself, Am I e...
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Keep your plans simple and humble when your kids are small, and you will have simple (and less expensive) disappointments.
REMINDER: The Basics–Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work • Lack of food • Lack of sleep • Need for recovery time • Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome) • Lack of developmental or experiential readiness
When food is a source of conflict, we’re fighting with our kids every day . . . many times a day.
“If you think about it, evolutionarily speaking we haven’t been around refined sugar and a limitless supply of fat for very long. Kids can’t handle that.”
That brings me to the most important recommendation I can offer: Serve your child an empty plate!
He didn’t get to choose the menu, but he does get to fill his own plate. Let him spoon out his own pasta, put his own sauce on or not, sprinkle his own cheese on top, and grab some carrots and string beans on the side for crunch.
That brings up another important point. Using dessert, or any reward, as a bargaining chip does not help children learn to enjoy healthy food.
“You can even say, ‘This is grown-up food, and you might not like it.’
“One thing I do that makes the kids excited about eating healthy food is to have them help prepare it,” offered Sarah. “When they help to make the salad by ripping up the lettuce, or pour the rice and water from the measuring cup into the pot, or stir the beans and sprinkle in the spices, they’re always more excited about eating.”
“But I’ve noticed that kids are less inclined to insult our food if we’re not forcing them to eat it. Respect is a two-way street.”
The group heaved a collective sigh. There are few things more stressful than trying to rush a two-year-old in the morning. We are in an impossible bind. Grown-up time demands that we move efficiently, with purpose, toward a goal. Toddler time meanders with no particular direction, enjoying the moment, purpose unnecessary.
Nobody likes to be dragged out of that cocoon to face immediate demands and pressure to hurry. One sure way to sabotage the morning mood is to start with, “Time to wake up! You have five minutes to get yourself downstairs. Let’s not miss the bus today!”
The first message he needs to hear from you is that you understand. It isn’t easy having to share your parents with a smelly baby or a two-year-old pest! The more we try to convince our kids that it’s not so bad, the harder they’ll work to convince us that it is indeed that bad.”
“Boy, it’s not always easy having a little sister around. It can be really frustrating!” “I’ll bet sometimes you wish you could be the only child.” “It’s annoying to have to be quiet when the baby is napping. You’ll be happy when she’s old enough not to need a nap anymore!”
The second message he needs is that he hasn’t been displaced. He may want some babying himself. We’re always telling our older children what big boys or girls they are. But they need to know they can still be your baby, too; they haven’t been pushed aside.
The third message is to help him see himself as the kind, helpful older brother you have glimpsed in the past. Go out of your way to appreciate positive interactions with his younger sibling.
You can also put him in a position where he sees himself in a new light, as a helper rather than a rival. “Jamie, I need to put away the groceries right now. Can you read a board book to Kara to keep her out of the refrigerator?”
Even in the middle of an episode where he’s tormenting his sister, instead of criticizing him for being a beast . . . “Benjamin, there you go again teasing your sister; this has to stop!” you can state the positive . . . “Uh oh, Isabel is starting to melt down. Benjamin, you know how to make your sister feel better when she’s upset. What do you think we should do?”
You can climb the stairs and the baby can’t. You can get in the carseat all by yourself. You know how to bake cookies with me. The baby can’t do that!”) This kind of talk is risky! The baby won’t stay helpless forever. We don’t want an older child to feel threatened by a younger sibling’s progress. His self-esteem shouldn’t rest on the shaky foundation of the baby’s ineptitude.
It helps to hold back that first “protect the baby” remark. Resist the urge to demonize the older or stronger child. If you can describe the problem from both points of view it will make a big difference in the mood.
But when kids lie to us, often we do worry. We see it as a moral offense. Somehow we’ve failed to teach good character to our children.
When a child tells a lie, it may help to remember that it is both common and normal. In fact, the latest research shows that learning to lie is an important milestone in a child’s cognitive development.
In many instances the lie represents a wish.
The challenge for the adult is to resist the temptation to shame the child or to label him a liar.
So what is helpful? Instead of accusing and interrogating, state the obvious. In the case of the purloined dessert, you can simply say, “I see you ate the cake.” If she protests, don’t call her a liar. Instead, you can accept the feeling behind the protest. “It’s not easy to resist eating chocolate cake when it’s sitting right in front of you. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it!”
Make a plan for the future: “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.” And you might also do some planning of your own. The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert. Make it easier for your child to practice honesty—adjust your expectations and manage the environment
We’re ‘guiding kids toward being truthful rather than labeling them as liars.’ Lying is a natural stage of development. To punish them for it is counterproductive. It would be like punishing a baby for pooping in her diaper. It’s natural, but we want to help them move on to the next stage.”
“But they do need to know when the words they use result in a resentful parent. That’s valuable information! If we take abuse with a sympathetic smile, we’re teaching them the wrong lesson.”
Kids can be pretty forgiving as long as you don’t say anything truly damaging.
You can have a truly miserable interaction with a kid and still come back with a triumphant finish. Here’s the bad start: You accuse your kid of acting like a spoiled brat. She counterattacks with, “You’re mean! I hate you!” You both stomp off in a huff. Here’s the good finish: You go to your kid’s room later that evening when your anger has subsided and say, “Hey, Sophia, I was really annoyed with you for saying I never let you do anything fun. And you were really annoyed with me for saying no to your sleepover. I’m not annoyed anymore and I’m ready to talk about different possibilities for a
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I’m uncomfortable with the idea of teaching children that it’s not okay to tell us things that bother them. Sometimes it takes bravery to tell on somebody.
“If one child tells on another for breaking a rule, you can restate the rule and express confidence that they’ll respect the rule in the future. Or help the little rule breaker fix her mistake.”
Little kids have different priorities from their parents. Let’s face it, they don’t care about disorder the way we do. Preschoolers aren’t going to sigh in pleasure at the sight of a cleanly swept floor and a well-made bed.
Leslie would 😂
The first thing to do is adjust your expectations. We can’t expect kids to naturally want to clean up. Like it or not, it’s our job to make the task appealing. The payoff comes later, when they’re a little bit older and can understand the joys of orderly living.
You’re asking him to do something unpleasant (cleaning) so that he can do something even more unpleasant (leaving). Chances are he’s tired and cranky to boot.
Then I nimbly threw in some information. “The shots put tiny little fighters in your blood, called antibodies. They fight against tiny germs so you don’t get sick.” I added a comforting tip that I had heard from a nurse on the last visit, “The good news is that shots are quick. They’re over in the time it takes to clap twice. Like this (Clap! Clap!).”
Dan liked the idea of clapping. But I wasn’t done. No tool left behind! Problem-solving was next. “Would it help to have something to look forward to after the shot is over?” We decided to stop at the corner store to find a post-shot treat. Dan chose a pack of peanut M&Ms. He decided that he would get one out ahead of time and hold it in his hand, ready to pop into his mouth as soon as the shot was over. By this time we were actually getting kind of excited about the whole event.
“This is a good example of why offering a choice may fail,” I said. “When a child has strong emotions about something, he’s probably not ready for a choice. He needs to have his feelings acknowledged first. What could we say to this poor kid who is being ordered to swallow this nauseating liquid?”
Medicine
“Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”
It may not sound like much, but those three little words do a lot of work. They tell a child that you respect his feelings and his need to go slowly. They also let him know that he’s in charge. He’s not being pushed. But the most important part is what you’re not saying. You’re not keeping him stuck in a role. Dad said I’m shy. I must be shy. I’d better stay behind his legs where it’s safe.
Instead you’re issuing an invitation. You’re protecting him while he’s feeling uncomfortable. But the door is left wide open. He can ease into the activities without fanfare, as soon as he’s ready. The readiness often comes quickly as soon as the pressure is removed.
“The way I see it, there already was a consequence,” I said. “His sister cried, his mother yelled, he was sent to his room, probably feeling miserable, and now he has a mother who is very upset with him. Not a pleasant outcome. The question is, ‘Where do we go from here? What kind of response will get us to our ultimate goal?’ ”
“I’m not suggesting that parents look the other way when one child hurts another,” I said. “We need to let our kids know that violence is unacceptable. The challenge is to do it in a way that will allow for loving feelings rather than increasing resentment.
“Sisters are not for pushing!” The next priority is to attend to the victim. “Let me kiss that bump to make it feel better. Should we put ice on it?”
We can help him make amends: “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you bring her the teddy bear? . . . Thank you, Benjamin!”
The holy grail of sleep for a parent of young children often requires a grueling quest.
