How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

Problem-solving is a useful tool if none of these prepackaged ideas do the trick. Here’s how it might go: Step 0. Find a Peaceful Time to Talk with your child (not at bedtime). Step 1. Acknowledge Feelings “It’s not easy to get used to sleeping by yourself.” “You really like having us lie down with you until you fall asleep.” “Even though part of you knows that Mommy needs to sleep, it’s really, really hard to resist waking her up.” “It’s no fun to be the only one awake in the night.” “It can be scary to lie alone in the dark.” See if your child will talk about how she feels. Reflect back what she says. “Oh, so your toys can look like monsters in the dark.”

Step 2. Describe the Problem (Briefly!) “This is a really tough problem. You don’t like to be alone when you wake up at night, and Mommy and Daddy need to sleep in their own bed so they can have energy in the morning.” Step 3. Ask for Ideas “We need ideas. What can a person do in a situation like this?” “What helps put you in a sleepy mood?” “What can you do when you wake up and have trouble going back to sleep?”

There is one very significant caveat to this whole problem-solving process when it comes to the epic bedtime battle. In my experience, no matter how creative you are, it is extremely difficult to compete with the powerful draw of a cozy, parent-filled bed.

Parents assume they should be able to remain calm and in control at all times.

If one word is not enough, you can direct your fury into giving information. You can roar, “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!!” You can express your feelings strongly. Use the word I instead of you. “I GET VERY UPSET WHEN I SEE A BABY BEING PINCHED!!!” You can describe what you see. “I see people getting hurt!!!” You can take action. “I can’t allow sand throwing! WE ARE LEAVING!!!” None of these words wound. They don’t tell a child he is mean or worthless or unloved. They do let him know that his parent is past all patience. And they model a healthy way to express anger and frustration without attack.

Of course, being yelled at by a furious parent can be an upsetting experience in itself. That can’t be the end of the story. It’s important to reconnect after the intensity of anger has abated. Our kids need to know there is a way back into our good graces and a better way to go forward. That can start with acknowledging feelings all around. “That was no fun. You didn’t like getting yelled at. And I was really mad about ___ (insert your gripe here).”

Then you can go on to plan what to do next time, or help your...

“When I find myself hitting a wall, my mantra is, ‘When in doubt, go back to acknowledging feelings.’