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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
January 17 - January 25, 2024
If your little firecracker continues to pose a hazard to himself and others, you may have to take action: “We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now.”
Notice that we are giving a very clear message to the child that we are not acting to punish, but to protect.
We focus on safety and peace of mind for the present, and solutions for the future.
“I’m putting the blocks away for now. I can’t allow throwing. I’m too worried about broken windows and broken heads.”
Taking action to protect yourself and those around you is an essential life skill for adults and a powerful way to model for our children how to deal with conflict. This approach is a world apart from the tactic of thinking up ways to cause discomfort in the hope that a lesson will be learned.
TOOL #5: Try Problem-Solving
One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger. After the storm has passed, invite your child to sit down with you.
The first step of problem-solving is to acknowledge your child’s feelings. This is the most important step, and the most frequently skipped! Without acknowledging feelings first, you won’t get far. Your child needs to know that you can see things from his point of view and understand what he’s feeling, or he won’t be open to any of the suggestions that follow.
If your child has something to add, continue to listen and reflect feelings. “Ah, so you hate it when I squeeze your hand. And you wish you could have the playground all to yourself sometimes!”
The second step is to describe the problem. Here’s where you can talk about your feelings or other people’s feelings. Unfortunately this part has to be short. You can’t go on and on, or you’ll sink the ship before it sails.
The third step is to ask for ideas. For this step you’re going to need paper and pencil. Be sure to write down all ideas, no matter how outrageous.
“We need some ideas so we can go back to the park and have a good time without people getting mad or scared or hurt. What can we do?”
The fourth step is to decide which ideas you both like and cross out the ones that neither of you like.
The last step is to try out your solutions. Get a magnet, stick your list of ideas on the refrigerator, and wait for opportunity to strike. Bring your list to the park. Take it out before you leave the car and double check the plan with your child.
Chances are that if your child participated in coming up with solutions, he’ll be eager to try them out. You’ll find yourself at the park, feeling good, with a cooperative child who is getting valuable practice in solving the thorny problems of life.
The beauty of problem-solving is that, unlike punishment, it offers endless possibilities.
Problem-solving doesn’t always have to be a laborious, time-consuming, multistep activity. Sometimes it’s a simple shift in perspective. Instead of thinking, “How can I control this child?” we can think of our child as being on the same team and invite his help and participation.
Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.
Keep in mind, this conflict matters just as much to your children as any dispute with a coworker, friend, or relative matters to you.
Remove the disputed object temporarily.
think clearly. The struggle will continue. You’ll need to say, “I’ll put the remote control up on the shelf for now, while we figure out what to do. I bet if we put our heads together we can think of a solution that feels fair to both of you.”
Your kids will be pleased with themselves when they come up with their own plan. What’s more, they’ll be learning to fight less and negotiate more when they have conflicts in the future.
The Trouble with Rewards
Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.
The reward slips its mask and reveals itself as a punishment in disguise.
If this sounds overly idealistic to you, consider the latest research on motivation. An eye-opening study found that when people are offered large monetary rewards to complete a challenge, their creativity and engagement in the task plummets.
It turns out that the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).
You can let them know that fun activities await them when chores are finished. “As soon as we get our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories.” “As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.
The Trouble with Time-Outs
The main weakness of the “time-out” is that it doesn’t address the problem.
Unfortunately it’s more likely that his thoughts will run along the lines of, It’s not fair. I hate her. She pushed me first. She’s always ruining everything. Mom always takes her side. Or he may be thinking, I’m mean to my sister. I’m a bad person.
So what can you do? First you can comfort your daughter and express your feelings strongly to your son. “I don’t like to see people pushed! Even when you’re angry!” You can invite your son to make amends, if the mood is right. “Ella is crying. How can we make her feel better? Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a pretzel?”
If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish.
There’s a very different feeling to that kind of time-out. It doesn’t say, “I’m banishing you because you were bad.” The message here is, “I’m on your side. It’s not easy to play with a bunch of kids. Let’s take a break together.”
You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!
There’s no telling what solution kids will come up with when a problem is put in their hands.
When we use problem-solving in place of punishment, we are truly modeling the attitude we want our kids to take toward conflict in their lives. Not “I’m a bad kid who doesn’t deserve a bedtime story.” Not “I’m a failure as a mom because I screamed at my kid,” but rather, “How can I fix my mistake?” “How can I make things work better?” “What should I try next time?”
The child is an active participant in solving his problems. This will stand him in good stead in the years to come.
This cooperative approach to conflict will grow with your child.
When your children are out in the world you won’t be able to keep them safe by force. The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you.
Sorry to say, praise can be complicated. Research and observation suggest that it’s not a matter of how much praise we dole out, but the way we praise that makes the difference.
It seems only natural that if we’re trying to boost self-esteem, we’ll tell our children frequently and enthusiastically, “You’re great, smart, wonderful, beautiful, the best!”
praise that judges or evaluates can create problems.
This boy was deeply engrossed in the process of learning something new and challenging. Suddenly he is being judged. Now, instead of focusing on the task at hand, he has to worry that he may fumble the next throw and have this bystander judge him as inadequate.
TOOL #1: Describe What You See
more useful way to praise is to resist the impulse to evaluate and instead to simply describe what you see (or hear or notice with any of your five senses).
Instead of, “That’s a beautiful picture!” Try, “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!” Instead of, “Good job!” Try, “I see you picked up all the cars and all the books, and you even picked up the dirty socks! I see bare floor. That was a big job.” Instead of, “Excellent work.” Try, “I see you circled every single picture that begins with the letter B.” Instead of, “Good job following directions.” Try, “You found your spot in the circle as soon as you heard ‘circle time.’ ”
All of these statements let a child know that you noticed and appreciated something he did—without evaluation or judgment, which could discourage him from future efforts.
Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.
“Oh, look what you made! Tell me about this.” “How did you get the idea to do this?” “How did you make this?”
