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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
January 17 - January 25, 2024
Time is such a difficult concept for children to grasp. It’s this abstract, invisible, intangible thing that adults are obsessed with. We live in a world of minutes and seconds ticking by at an alarming rate. A world of, Go, go, go, we’re going to be late! Kids inhabit a different world. Their world is, Oh, hey, look at that spider hanging from the ceiling. . . . Ooh, we could pull these cushions off the couch. . . . I wonder if a dog will lick applesauce off the carpet. We get furious with them for not sharing our urgency. I love the idea of putting a child in charge of time.
TOOL #4: Give Information
Here’s how it works. You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do.
Instead of, “Stop banging on that keyboard. You’re going to break it!” (To which the inevitable reply is an offended, “No, I’m not!”) Give information: “Keyboards are delicate. All they need is a very light touch.” Instead of, “You left the cap off the glue stick again. Great!” Give information: “Glue sticks dry out very quickly when they’re not capped.”
TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)
Much of what we say to our children when we’re trying to control their behavior is a repeat performance. They’ve heard it all before. Many times! Let’s face it, kids tune out lectures. Grown-ups are no different.
What happens when your four-year-old hears you say, “Apple core”? She has to think. Apple core? What about an apple core? Oh, I left it on the couch. I guess I should put it in the garbage. The child tells herself what to do. She doesn’t feel bossed around.
TOOL #6: Describe What You See
Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.” Instead of, “You’re making a big mess. Clean that up or the paints are going away.” Describe: “I see paint dripping.” Instead of, “Get back here! You’re half naked!” Describe: “I see a boy who is almost in his pajamas. He has the shirt on, and soon . . . the pants!”
Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel
It can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry. It’s hard for them to figure out what’s going on when our words don’t match our emotions.
When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
When Maria expressed her angry feelings to Benjamin in that last story, she did it in a particularly skillful way. She completely avoided the word you. She said, “When I see one child hurting another I get very upset!” What she didn’t say was, “When I see you hurting your sister . . .” When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you.
There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”
When you see a child doing something dangerous, it doesn’t usually help to say, “Stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself!” You will most likely get the classic reply, “No I’m not.” It’s more effective to describe your feelings without the word you: “I get scared when I see people jumping around near the stove while I’m cooking. I worry about burns.”
It’s more useful to tell her how you feel. “I don’t like being yelled at! That doesn’t make me feel helpful. I like to hear, ‘Mom, can I have some juice, please?’ ”
Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.
Even if you use the perfect wording, it’s difficult for a young child to handle strong negative emotions from an adult. Use words like angry and furious sparingly. It’s easier to hear words like upset, or frustrated, or I don’t like it when without feeling attacked.
Save your outrage for those times when it is unavoidable. Your kid smacked you in the nose, covered the cat in molasses, flushed your wedding ring down the toilet. Fury is not a useful everyday seasoning for a relationship!
TOOL #8: Write a Note
When you find yourself repeating the same plea again and again until you’re sick of your own voice, it may be time to write a note. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t know how to read. The written word has a mysterious power that spoken words do not. A note can be more effective than a nagging voice.
I solved this particular dilemma with a formal notice. I wrote out an “appointment card” for bath time. I offered various options: the 6:00 p.m. slot, the 6:15 slot, and the 6:30 slot. The 6:00 p.m. slot was on special offer, with bubbles. The 6:15 slot offered a happy hour with carrots and rubber fish.
I was amazed at how well it worked. All I had to do was brandish the card and say, “Your 6:00 p.m. bath is ready, sir!”
Hours of Operation
This week I wrote a note on a big piece of paper and strung it across the bottom step. It said KITCHEN OPENS AT 7:00. When Mia came down, I asked her, “Did you see the sign?”
I read it to her. She got her timer. I set it for her and she went back upstairs and waited until 7:00.
TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult
The final tool of this chapter is to take action without insult. If your child refuses to wear his bike helmet in spite of your brilliant use of playfulness, choice, and information-giving, you can say, “I’m putting the bike away for now. You’re in no mood to have your head squeezed by a helmet, and I can’t let you ride without one.”
If your child can’t resist throwing gravel in the park, in spite of your efforts to offer tempting alternatives, you can say, “I’m taking you home now. I don’t want anyone to get hit by a rock, even a little one.”
If your child refuses to get in his carseat, “I can see the seat belt is uncomfortable. You feel freer without it. I can’t take you to your friend’s house without the belt buckled.”
Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.
And it does get easier. The older they get, the more they can be in charge of themselves, especially if they’ve had the practice of making choices and being in charge of their own behavior when they’re younger.”
Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time.
Before we start dutifully doling out consequences and punishment, I’d like to take a moment to define our terms. Just what do we mean by natural or logical consequences? And what lessons are we teaching when we punish?
As for logical consequences, the “logic” is highly debatable. If you continually arrive late for my workshop, despite my warning that lateness is unacceptable, I may find it “logical” to lock you out of my classroom. Or perhaps it would be more “logical” to keep you locked in after class for the same number of minutes you were late. Or maybe my “logic” demands that you miss out on the snacks. As you may be starting to suspect, these are not true exercises in logic. They’re really more of a free association, where we try to think of a way to make the wrongdoer suffer. We hope that the suffering
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Either way, our intent is to find some way to make the child suffer, or at least feel bad, in the hope that she will be discouraged from repeating her unacceptable behavior.
When you’ve committed yourself to using punishment to solve a conflict and the punishment isn’t harsh enough to be effective, you’re in a dangerous position. You may find yourself locked in to using harsher and harsher punishments.
Punishment can distract a child from the important lesson she needs to learn. Instead of feeling an urge to fix the problem or make amends, punishment prompts a child to think selfishly. What television shows will she be forced to miss? What dessert will she have to give up? She’s likely to be filled with resentment instead of remorse.
And finally, the punishments we mete out to our children give them a blueprint for how to approach conflict in their lives. We have to ask ourselves if we want them to use these methods on their peers and siblings.
It is kind of stunning how much our kids really do want to emulate us. And how much they focus on our overall strategy. It’s a tired old phrase but true: children will do as you do, not as you say.
The key question is: how do we want our children to approach conflict? Do we want them to think about what they should do to the other person—take something away or inflict pain—or do we want them to think what can I do to solve this problem?
TOOL #1: Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly!
“HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!” Sometimes that will be enough.
TOOL #2: Show Your Child How to Make Amends
“Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some apple slices, or do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?”
The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present.
TOOL #3: Offer a Choice
Sometimes a youngster needs help to redirect his energy. A choice can help him move on to a more acceptable activity.
TOOL #4: Take Action Without Insult
