More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
February 8 - February 12, 2024
1 Giving From the Heart
2 Communication That Blocks Compassion
3 Observing Without Evaluating
4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings
5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings
6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life
7 Receiving Empathically
8 The Power of Empathy
9 Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves
10 Expressing Anger Fully
11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation
12 The Protective Use of Force
13 Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others
14 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication
Epilogue
“We’re trying to live a different value system while we are asking for things to change.”
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. —Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us
to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—
Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action:
And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feeling...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests
NVC Process The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being How we feel in relation to what we observe The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
Two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly through the four components 2. receiving empathically through the four components
Summary
It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.
Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
Important insight.
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
This includes judging people based on their race, gender, sexuality, and other immutable identity characteristics.
Comparisons are a form of judgment.
Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.
We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
We can never make people do anything.
Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves—to outside authorities—for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings.
One form of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values. Another is the use of comparisons, which can block compassion both for others and for ourselves.
Communicating our desires in the form of demands is yet another characteristic of language that blocks compassion.
When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.
Summary The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying.
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
Summary The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings. By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them. —Epictetus
The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings.
