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February 8 - February 12, 2024
Paraphrasing saves time.
When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
We need empathy to give empathy.
Summary Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being. In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Empathy allows us “to reperceive [our] world in a new way and to go on.”
It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.
Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally.
To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy.
What bores the listener bores the speaker too.
Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.
Empathy lies in our ability to be present.
Summary Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence. Time and again, people transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathically.
Let us become the change we seek in the world. —Mahatma Gandhi
NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion.
We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.
Avoid shoulding yourself!
A basic premise of NVC is that whenever we imply that someone is wrong or bad, what we are really saying is that he or she is not acting in harmony with our needs. If the person we are judging happens to be ourselves, what we are saying is, “I myself am not
behaving in harmony with my own needs.” I am convinced that if we learn to evaluate ourselves in terms of whether and how well our needs are being fulfilled, we are much more likely to learn from the evaluation.
Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
NVC mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret.
NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.
We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.
We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.
With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.
Cultivating Awareness of the Energy Behind Our Actions
(1) FOR MONEY
(2) FOR APPROVAL Like money, approval from others is a form of extrinsic reward. Our culture has educated us to hunger for reward. We attended schools that used extrinsic means to motivate us to study; we grew up in homes where we were rewarded for being good little boys and girls, and were punished when our caretakers judged us to be otherwise. Thus, as adults, we easily trick ourselves into believing that life consists of doing things for reward;
(3) TO ESCAPE PUNISHMENT
(4) TO AVOID SHAME
(5) TO AVOID GUILT
Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.
(6) TO SATISFY A SENSE OF DUTY
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”
Summary The most crucial application of NVC may be in the way we treat ourselves. When we make mistakes, instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments, we can use the process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow.
By assessing our behaviors in terms of our own unmet needs, the impetus for change comes not out of shame, guilt, anger, or depression, but out of the genuine desire to contribute to our own and others’ well-being.
Hurting people is too superficial.
We are never angry because of what others say or do.
To motivate by guilt, mix up stimulus and cause.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.
When we judge others, we contribute to violence.
I see all anger as a result of life-alienating, violence-provoking thinking. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.
Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs.
Use anger as a wake-up call.
