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February 8 - February 12, 2024
Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions.
When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings.
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
We recall four options when hearing a difficult message:
1. Blame ourselves 2. Blame others 3. Sense our own feelings and needs 4. Sense others’ feelings and needs
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future. So even if our present need is met in the sense that people do what we want, we will pay for it later.
Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.
3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.
Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds, without judging them.
When my consciousness is focused on another human being’s feelings and needs, I see the universality of our experience.
When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.
Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.
People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.
Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need. Take your time.
Summary Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger. If we wish to fully express anger, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. Instead we shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. By expressing our needs, we are far more likely to get them met than by judging, blaming, or punishing others.
The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs.
Over the course of several decades, I’ve used Nonviolent Communication to resolve conflicts around the world. I’ve met with unhappy couples, families, workers and their employers, and ethnic groups at war with each other. My experience has taught me that it’s possible to resolve just about any conflict to everybody’s satisfaction. All it takes is a lot of patience, the willingness to establish a human connection, the intention to follow NVC principles until you reach a resolution, and trust that the process will work.
Creating a connection between people is the most important thing.
When you make the connection, the problem usually solves itself.
Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.
we have psychological needs such as understanding, support, honesty, and meaning. I believe that all people basically have the same needs regardless of nationality, religion, gender, income, education, etc.
Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism.
Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them.
Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.
People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said.
Action language requires the use of action verbs.
Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.
The objective is not to get the parties to do what we want them to do.
Use role-play to speed up the mediation process.
Role-play is simply putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process.
We need to be well practiced at hearing the need in any message.
Summary The use of NVC to resolve conflict differs from traditional mediation methods; instead of deliberating over issues, strategies, and means of compromise, we concentrate foremost on identifying the needs of both parties, and only then seek strategies to fulfill those needs. We start by forging a human connection between the parties in conflict.
When one party is in too much pain to hear the needs of the other, we extend empathy, taking as long as necessary to ensure that the person knows their pain is heard.
The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.
My personal concern is that children’s fear of corporal punishment may obscure their awareness of the compassion that underlies parental demands.
Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parents’ demands.
Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.
If a worker’s performance is prompted by fear of punishment, the job gets done, but morale suffers; sooner or later, productivity will decrease. Self-esteem is also diminished when punitive force is used.
When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
Question 1: What do I want this person to do? Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
Summary In situations where there is no opportunity for communication, such as in instances of imminent danger, we may need to resort to the protective use of force. The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent, or change.
In one of his routines, comedian Buddy Hackett, raised on his mother’s rich cooking, claimed that he never realized it was possible to leave the table without feeling heartburn until he was in the army. In the same way, pain engendered by damaging cultural conditioning is such an integral part of our lives that we can no longer distinguish its presence.
We can liberate ourselves from cultural conditioning.
Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.
The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression.
Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.
